Remember the first day you moved in with your roommate? You know, that time when you both thought things would go swimmingly and you’d end up being groomsmen or bridesmaids at each other’s wedding? Well unless you’ve pulled a Sheldon and had them sign an overly thorough roommate agreement to ensure a peaceful cohabitation, chances are your roommate has probably gotten under your skin a couple of times since the day you moved in together.
Sure, you can let go of that one time they brought their significant other for a sleepover without your permission. And maybe you don’t mind when your roommate coughs up their half of the rent a week after the due date. But the one thing that you will never be able to forgive them for is being a straight-up messy roommate.
So if their belongings are preventing you from being able to see your apartment floor, here are a few hilarious things you can do to keep your roommate in check.
Use the power of technology.
Under the guise of being a well-meaning roommate, flood their inbox with Buzzfeed articles about roommate etiquette, storage organizers on Amazon, or give them a calling card from a professional cleaning service. Soon they’ll be neck deep in emails that it’ll either turn them into a more organized roommate or block your email address and route all your future emails to spam.
Be their mom.
Whenever you find yourself wanting to strangle your roommate for leaving their stuff lying around your common areas, ask yourself, “What would my mother do?” Nobody guilt trips like a passive-aggressive mother. Give them compliments like, “Thank you for not washing your dirty dishes” or “I really like it when you leave your dirty clothes on the couch”.
When they get home, turn Netflix on to one of those documentaries about hoarders. Casually remark, “This looks an awful lot like our apartment.” If that doesn’t guilt them into cleaning up their act, at least you’ll go down in history as being the most passive-aggressive roommate they ever had the chance to meet.
Apply the KonMari Method.
Allot some time to talk to your roommate about nothing in particular. Gently steer the conversation around Eastern countries. Find a way to bring up Marie Kondo, who pioneered the KonMari method of organizing. Talk about how you’re going on a journey of healing and transformation, and that you’ll only be keeping things in your space that “spark joy”.
Tell your roommate that you plan on doing it when they go to work so that you won’t disturb them with all of your re-organizing and decluttering. Then, when that day comes, gather up all the things they own that do not bring you the joy you’ve been deprived of for a long time and dump it in a storage vault. When they come back to find half their stuff has disappeared, in your most Zen voice, say “Welcome to the life-changing magic of tidying up.”
To paraphrase what legendary non-lesbian lesbian Janice Ian once said, “There are two kinds of messy people in this world. Those who make a mess and those who see a mess and don’t try to stop it.” Nobody likes a messy roommate or be the roommate that’s all messy about it.
You can try these hilarious suggestions to get a laugh out of both you and your roommate. Maybe then will you be able to reach a compromise with them? Or you could just move out and go back to living in your parents’ basement. At least it’s rent-free.
- : Anyone
- : Rent
- : Per Month