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Category: Forwards that Bang

How To Waste Time At Work..

by Christopher Francis Petrozzo Posted: 07-23-2006(Viewed 44645 times)

1. “Morning Routine”
This requires accurate timing on the part of the individual to get to work right on time, and not too early, so as to maximize the amount of actual “on the clock” time being wasted. So come into work, say all your obligatory hello’s, hang up your coat, log-in to your computer, go grab a cup of coffee, come sit back down and get situated because you have an entire day ahead of you with plenty of opportunities to strategically waste time. Total time wasted: 10 minutes

2. Breakfast
A lot of people prefer to eat breakfast at home before coming to work – this is wrong. The great thing about eating breakfast at work is that you can do it at your desk, so if the boss walks by he or she will see that you’re in the office on time and ready to work, but at this very moment you’re indisposed because you’re eating and any business-related matters he or she wants to speak to you about can wait till you’re finished. I usually stick with something cheap and simple like oatmeal. Go to the supermarket and buy a large container of it that you can keep in one of those random desk drawers that you just stuff papers in, you know the ones, where struggling attorneys hide their bottles of bourbon, because you don’t really have enough important stuff to make use of all those drawers anyway. You can also do the variety pack of cereal or the muffin/bagel/egg sandwich that you purchase on the way to work.
Now, if you’re really lucky, your office will have its own cafeteria, preferably on a different floor. In this case you can come into work, do your “morning routine”, then go to the cafeteria and buy breakfast to bring back to your desk to consume. The benefit of having a cafeteria in your office is the travel time wasted going to and coming from the cafeteria. Depending on where it is relative to your work space this can be as much as 10 minutes of time wasted in one round-trip alone. Nice!!! Total time wasted: 15 minutes (at least)

3. Water
Drinking close to a gallon of water a day is a great way to stay healthy and waste plenty of time at work. The best way to do this and not be too obvious about it is to buy one of those colorful, screw-top, unbreakable plastic water jugs. I own a red one that stores up to 34 oz of water. This equals four daily trips of: walking to the water cooler, the actual filling of the bottle, the generic office banter/exchanging of pleasantries with co-workers while standing at the cooler, the cursory taking a sip and casually looking around your office while nodding after your jug’s been filled, and, finally, the walk back to your desk/cubicle/office. Doing this 3 or 4 times a day isn’t going to arouse as much suspicion from your manager or supervisor as is getting up every fifteen minutes to go to the cooler and drink several tiny paper cups of water. The point is you want to be seen at your desk, looking diligent, as much as is humanly possible – even if you’re actually just sitting there drinking water. Total time wasted: 10 minutes

4. Urinating
Drinking that much water throughout the course of a day really does a number on your bladder. I find that for every 30 oz or so of water I drink I need at least one, sometimes two, trips to the men’s room. This, again, is a great way to waste time, because no one can question where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing – replying, “I’m sorry, I had to use the rest room” ends a boss’s line of questioning IMMEDIATELY. So let’s approximate 5 trips to the rest room per day for the purposes of urinating alone. Now, while in the rest room there are several things you can do to tack on a few precious seconds to your strategic time-wasting – these things include adjusting your necktie, fixing your hair, re-tucking-in your shirt, etc. These are all great little tricks that, when combined, waste up to an extra 5 minutes of your workday and don’t look at all conspicuous to anyone else who may see you doing them in the rest room. What other tricks can you think of?! Total time wasted: 15 minutes

5. Lunch
Lunch should be at least an hour and a half – no exceptions. The trick to getting more than an hour out of your lunch “hour” is to leave for lunch a different time everyday, but always be sure to leave sometime during “lunchtime” and preferably right after you see your boss or one of your superiors leave to go get their lunch. It’s a really simple strategy – say you want to get lunch at 12:30 pm today because you know your manager has a meeting at noon that will probably last about 2 hours. In this case you leave for lunch at 12:15 pm and return a little after 2 pm. If anyone asks any questions you tell them that you left for lunch at 1 pm and no one’s the wiser, as long as you don’t have any snitches in your office that are looking to try and get you in trouble because they know you don’t do anything at work all day. If this is your situation then that’s unfortunate and you’re going to have to be extra careful in your comings and goings. But, a great way to avoid this problem is to leave to get lunch a little later than everyone else, but still during the designated “lunch hour”. I find in my office most people leave to get themselves lunch around noon, so I usually leave around 12:30 pm when most people are still out and I have less chance of being spotted. Total time wasted: 1 hour and 30 minutes (at least)

6. The Half Hour Before and After Lunch
When I said lunch should be over an hour I specifically meant that one should be missing from the office building/surrounding premises for that time interval. There is, of course, the downtime before and after lunch that an expert time-wasting employee can take advantage of, if they’re smart.
The half hour before you leave to go to lunch is probably the most useless stretch of time in the entire workday. No one, not even the people that actually like their jobs, get anything done during this period of time. I use this time to do my online banking and other internet-related things of that nature. The great thing about online banking is all the numbers and “stuff” on the screen look like something you might be working on to the untrained eye when, in reality, we know it’s not, but it just works to your advantage that most managers and supervisors are past their prime and don’t really grasp things like “personal computers” as well as you and your yuppie friends do.
Now, the half hour after lunch can be used for running errands like going to the post office and mailing birthday cards, that you got free postage for by flirting with the gay guy in the mailroom, or picking up your dry cleaning or whatever else you might need to get done that day. Here’s how you accomplish these tasks without getting in trouble – after you’ve finished your lunch come back to your desk and get yourself re-situated. You can do things like waking your computer up or stacking some papers on your desk or writing a few random post-it notes and sticking them to your monitor, etc. Basically you’re trying to do anything and everything to make it look like you’ve just gotten up from your work area a moment earlier and whoever’s looking for you must have just missed you. Darn!
Now, there’s an ingenious deal clincher you can use here to ensure that you’ve got everyone fooled: when you finish your lunch, don’t throw out your trash. Most people do this, “normal” people throw out their trash after they’ve finished eating. This, again, is wrong. Bring your trash back to your cubicle and spread it out at your desk – it makes it look like you ate lunch there and the boss won’t be upset with you if he/she happens to see you coming back into the building with your dry cleaning because you were such a dedicated employee who worked through lunch and only “stepped out” afterward to take care of some semi-urgent personal matters. If, by some miracle, you had already thought to do this before I just told you about it, you may pass Go! and collect two-hundred dollars. Congratulations!
If you don’t have errands to run you can just come back to your desk (with your trash!) and surf the web for 30 minutes or so because, as was just explained, the Arby’s wrappers next to your keyboard make it look like you’ve just finished eating and are still on your lunch “hour”. Total time wasted: 1 hour

7. Defecating
This one should be obvious – 20 minutes at least, even if the actual “act” only takes you 30 seconds (must’ve been the Chinese) – just sit there and relax. Bonus points for multiple bowel movements a day. And, once again, no one can ask any prying questions about what you were doing. You were in “the bathroom”. Total time wasted: between 20 and 30 minutes

8. Snacks
A lot of people don’t bring snacks to or buy snacks while at work. These people are known as “idiots”. No one likes to be bothered while they’re eating, so, if someone sees you eating they’re not going to bother you because they know they wouldn’t want you bothering them when they were trying to enjoy that Snickers bar that they had been saving in the freezer all morning. Got it? Mid-morning snacks and mid-afternoon snacks are a must when you’re trying not to be productive. Total time wasted: 15 minutes

9. The “Internet”

It amazes me how anyone gets anything done, or how bosses expect anyone to get anything done, when nearly all of us now have a world of knowledge at our fingertips. There are a plethora of websites that get updated multiple times a day and which can be looked at in a relatively non-discreet manner. Examples include: cnn.com, SI.com, craigslist.org (the Mecca of a procrastinator’s online universe), and others. Now, these aren’t pages that you can leave up on your computer screen all the time, but it’s very easy to take 5, maybe 10, minutes and peruse their content when you get tired of loading your empty stapler. My girlfriend has a more interactive way of wasting her time through her reading of craigslist’s “Missed Connections”. This is definitely more her thing than mine, but I give her the utmost credit here in knowing how to get the least out of her workday. Good work, honey! Or should it be “Good non-work!”? Total time wasted: 30 minutes

10. BS-ing
This is only acceptable to do with colleagues that do the same thing you do all day – nothing. This is fairly self-explanatory and there isn’t much strategy involved. Just go to one of your buddy’s offices or cubicles and talk about sports or boobs or how little you’ve accomplished so far that day. If you’re a woman talk about your period or chocolate or your cats or whatever else it is that women talk about. The only thing here is to bring some papers or a folder or something “office” looking with you (and a pen!) so if anyone walks by and asks what you “gentleman” (or “ladies”) are “up to” you can say something business-sounding and not, “uh…, nothing…”. Keep the conversation length to a minimum, I’d say no more than 10 minutes, but feel free to do this with a few different people at least 3 times a day. Total time wasted: 30 minutes

11. Emails
This one should also be obvious. Typing emails furiously makes it look like you’re really working hard. I try and keep at least 6 email dialogues per day, Monday through Friday. And, if possible, try and keep a majority of these conversations with females because girls love to chat about “stuff”. Guys are bad at emailing because we don’t have much to say to each other. Most questions guys ask each other require one-, sometimes few-, word answers. Guys are better to call on the phone (local calls only!) because the conversations are quick and can easily go unnoticed. Also, emailing a girl you’re romantically interested in is a great way to court as you’ve got 8 hours to craft and perfect everything you say to her. It’s best to use your work email account to do this because most personal email templates are too colorful and you’re more likely to get caught, but if you have to use a personal account because your work emails are monitored then just be cautious about it. Total time wasted: 1 hour

12. The Half Hour Before You Leave Work

Like the half hour before and after lunch, this time interval is pointless. No one wants to do anything, most people can’t really even concentrate as they’re thinking about their commute or what they’re going to have for dinner or, in my case, where they’re going to get drunk after work and what time they should set their alarm for the next day so as to ensure they can wake up and get into work on time, albeit hung over. I usually use this time to play online games because many people will be leaving, or will already have left, the office and don’t really care what anyone else is doing that late in the day anyway. Total time wasted: 30 minutes

13. Instant Messenger

If you’re lucky enough to have this option at work than you shouldn’t of even had to have read this in the first place because you don’t do shit at work to begin with. Just please make sure to keep the sound muted and have a few work-related windows on your computer monitor available to maximize if the boss man (or boss lady) decides to drop by. Total time wasted: All fucking day. Asshole.

14. Something Like This

I started this thing at 10 am. It is now almost 2 pm. I haven’t done a thing all day and it feels great.

In conclusion:

Total time wasted doing all previously mentioned and discussed activities (minus #13 and #14) is…
Approximately 395 minutes or a little over 6.5 hours!
That means, in a given day, you can get by really only doing an hour and a half of actual work. To some even this seems like a lot, maybe even too much, but you must consider that this equates to 7.5 hours of work a week and you’re getting paid for 40. You’re basically being paid to do nothing 32.5 hours a week. You’re awesome

 


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Bangin' Reader Comments:


From: Mike, Thunder Bay, Ontario
Date: 06-01-2007
Rating: 10
Comments:

Hilarious! Just what I was looking for in the middle of another day of wasting time perusing the internet and taking long walks between office floors to "drop off some files."

Brilliant


---------------------------------------------------------------
From:
Date: 07-10-2007
Rating: 10
Comments: I laughed out loud when I read this because as I kept going down the list of time wasting ideas, I noticed that every single one of them were things I already make damn sure to do each and every day!  I guess I'm just a natural born slacker and proud of it!  I've always believed in the phrase work smart not hard.  If you're smart enough to make it look like you've been putting your nose to the grind stone all day when in reality you've probably logged about 2 hours, you deserve to get paid.  Everyone at my office believes I work as hard as they do and they are all WRONG.  I look good to them and the boss is happy.  Fine by me.  Now wheres my paycheck??

---------------------------------------------------------------
From:
Date: 08-08-2007
Rating: 10
Comments: thanks for posting such great article. awesome genius

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Kari, Phoenix, AZ
Date: 03-13-2008
Rating: 10
Comments: Very very funny and so freakin true!  You basically described what I do at work every day!

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Blue, vancouver, bc
Date: 07-04-2008
Rating: 10
Comments:

Thanks for the tips,

Now I know how my employees wate time at work. As much as you think you are wise in wasting time, have in mind that your boss has once been someone like you and has pulled his way up by not wasting time and actually doing something.

Anyways, if there are loops, people are more than welcome to take them.


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Chummaa (don like to mention m
Date: 04-02-2009
Rating: 10
Comments:

Excellent...

True that me also doing the same all point that are listed... i feel like rolling down in the floor and laugh like anything... this is such a nice and surprising article to see that wasting time is not that easy.. and i am doing it better....

Just hard working is not enough... every one can do, if they also work.. but wasting time is not that easy and not every one can do... skill should come inborn...

super!!!


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: MultiMediaMaster
Date: 04-16-2009
Rating: 10
Comments: LMFAO That;s amazing

---------------------------------------------------------------
From:
Date: 04-20-2009
Rating: 10
Comments: I FUCKING LOVE YOU. im a temp. my job always sucks and i always go unnoticed. this is my fucking bible. HAHAHAHAHHAHAH

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Matt, NJ
Date: 04-23-2009
Rating: 8
Comments:

Instant Messenger is more accessible than ever before.  If you have a web browser with internet access, you have an instant messenger.  There are numerous websites that put your messenger of choice into the web browser, and the most discreet is the one inside GMail.  If you could get online at work to write this article, you have access to instant messenger :)


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Tippi, Halifax, Canada
Date: 04-29-2009
Rating: 10
Comments: That's awsome and true but you forgot one thing while adding up how much time you can waste... it takes about 10-15 minutes to read it.... dont forget that now every minute counts

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Payne, Jordan OH
Date: 05-23-2009
Rating: 10
Comments: DUDE AWESOME i wasted 10 minutes just reading this haha.. wait nt wasted cuz i wanted to read it.. well u know what i mean.. awesome list

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Kyle, Iowa
Date: 06-19-2009
Rating: 10
Comments: HAHAHAHAHA I am also a natural slacker, I waste all my time at school and wherever else I can because I'm only 14.  I hope I can become a  pro time waster at work when I am older.  I am at a typing class in summer school right now so I can get an extra credit in high school.  An easy A while surfing the web and typing the first word in the program and letting it run.  It looks like I've been typing for 2 hours!  Really I'm only typing 10 minutes.  I'm great! :) and so are you for making this amazing article.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Ben Barrett, UK (new jersey?,
Date: 07-06-2009
Rating: 10
Comments:

this was a really good read, even better as im reading it at work and wasting time!

while it may not appeal to some people, i find subscribing to a few forums and checking up on them every hour or so is a really good time eating exercise since you have to read all the recents posts and reply to them which makes it look like your working. thats only if they cant see your screen.

all in all, a really good read.


---------------------------------------------------------------
From:
Date: 02-26-2010
Rating: 10
Comments: i read this every morning to train myself

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Halifax, NS
Date: 03-25-2010
Rating: 10
Comments:

I love you


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Seattle, WA
Date: 09-23-2010
Rating: 10
Comments: I am that asshole who spends all day on Instant Messenger completely unnoticed.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: MC
Date: 01-30-2011
Rating: 10
Comments:

This article is such win. I have actually tried many of these and they work really well! Unfortunately, people in my office notice quickly if you don't do your work (a lot of it is time-sensitive and deadline based) BUT usually people won't bother you to do extra work if  it looks like you are already working on stuff. My trick is to cover my desk with binders, papers, and other things to make it seem like I'm busy when I'm really not. My co-workers won't bother me and I can continue doing whatever I'm doing...nothing! I can also just sneak off somewhere and no one will ask what I was doing.

I kill time by filling up the printers with paper/checking on supplies/rearranging my office, running "errands," drinking water and going to the bathroom often, chatting with different co-workers randomly during the day, grabbing snacks, going to lunch while my boss is in her office or in a meeting (I have access to her schedule so I can plan out how to avoid her), and leaving early citing that I'd like to catch the early bus home, to avoid a terrible commute, and that I came in early/used half my lunch break to do so (total lies). Attending a random meeting or event, even if it has little to do with me, is also a good way to kill tme and no one bats an eye. I will even make "rounds" around the offices a few times, so it looks like I'm going off to see someone or do something.

A girl in my office will eat at her desk small meals/snacks throughout the day, and yet still take some time off for lunch. I've watched her and she easily kills 45-to-60 minutes preparing, eating, and cleaning up after these snacks every day, as well as filling up her water bottle constantly. Good times!


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: The Dust Bowl
Date: 05-20-2011
Rating: 10
Comments: Haha this is epic..... All you need to waste time at work in once place! I can honestly say I have done just about all of these. They key for wasting time on your computer is to have another window open or knowing keyboard shortcuts to minimize or close windows. That way it does not look like you are fumbling around for your mouse (obviously covering up what you are doing) to minimize something. The best is when you finally get your own office. Be sure to have your monitor(s) facing the opposite direction of the door so you have plenty of time to hide. Movies with subtitles (for those of you who can't close your door to cover up the sound) make it look like you are concentrating very hard on your task at hand! One of my favorite things to do is trolling the net for funny pictures. Not only do you waste time by looking at the pictures, but you can also send them to friends to waste even more time! You also get a good laugh to break up the monotony of your other useless tasks. Some of my favorite sites are http://watercoolerlaughs.com, http://artoftrolling.memebase.com, http://failblog.org and there are thousands more out there. Another great thing is acting like you are having problems with your computer. You make up something like your screen is flickering or it is making sounds intermittently and that way when your IT guy comes he has to sit there for a while waiting for the problem to come up. Just some of the ways I like to waste time at work!

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Bob , VIctoria , Australia
Date: 07-11-2011
Rating: 10
Comments: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA x one fucking billion!!! Ha heehee.... ok ill stop : but seriously, you deserve a medal (no im not being sarcastic) for all the work you did on behalf of the slackers in this world. Thanks so much! will use these! Cya, Bob

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Taylor: Ashland, VA
Date: 08-22-2011
Rating: 10
Comments: "If you're a woman talk about your period or chocolate or your cats or whatever else it is that women talk about" Hahahahahahaha

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Rebeeca, Hanover MA
Date: 08-31-2011
Rating: 8
Comments: I already drink 4 bottles of water a day to waste time.. Best idea I ever had. Walking around the office totaling up to 1 hour.. And then having my boss tell me I'm her "best employee" <3 life...

---------------------------------------------------------------
From:
Date: 11-15-2011
Rating: 10
Comments: Another one I use is when reading something non work related (such as celebrity gossip) I scrunch up my face to look like I'm concentrating super hard.  This way, it looks like I'm reading a work email and really trying to wrap my head around whatever request is being asked of me.



---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Todd, New York, NY
Date: 01-30-2012
Rating: 10
Comments:

This is why I left the business world. Working with and for idiots who proudly do nothing all day while I felt compelled to actually work for my paycheck. Silly me. So, I started my own business and now if I want to be a slacker, I'm only slacking off on myself. Where are the paper towels?

But this explains why I get a million emails during the day from people responding to a Craigslist ad. These people have no intention of showing up to buy the item. They just can't find anything more interesting to waste their time with than perusing Craigslist and looking busy typing inquiries regarding items they don't really want or need. But when it comes to using their own time after work to go 5 minutes out of their way to buy something, they can't even be bothered with telling the poor sap who is expecting them that they have no intention of following through. I always say anonymity brings out the true character of a person.


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sean, Miyazaki Japan
Date: 02-15-2012
Rating: 10
Comments: This article is great, but it is predicated on being in one of those American style, cubicle and wall based offices. How I miss those...

I currently teach English in Japan at a local middle school, and let me tell you, most of these wasters are virtually impossible here. What makes it rough about this job is that I am given a much smaller workload than all the other teachers (don't worry, this is the standard for all foreign language teachers in Japan), so I generally struggle to find time consuming things every day.

I miss those days when I didn't share a communal office I had multiple feet and some sort of wall between me and a coworker, and not one foot, as their desk is literally next to mine. Those were the days, when I could work for an hour or two and then waste the rest of the day, depending on how dedicated I was to this list.

Here, everyone can see everything on my personal computer, and everyone can see every action I take. My supervisors sit a few desks away at the other side of the room, well within earshot.

Indeed, you are all the assholes to me, as I am forced to work all day. I hate you all.


---------------------------------------------------------------
From:
Date: 05-11-2012
Rating: 10
Comments: I spent 90 minutes reading this epic log of greatness, i realized us slackers are the real workers, working hard to look like were working hard when really we are putting our needs over "THE MANS"


VICTORY!


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Chickpea, Pennyslvania
Date: 06-08-2012
Rating: 10
Comments: Working in an office is the worst. I am sitting in my cubicle on a friday, praying for these hours to go by quickly, there's nothing like wishing our lives away. I took some advice from George Costanza, shuffle papers around your desk with an aggravated look on your face. It gives the impression you are working so hard that you can't be bothered. During this time, I enjoy ordering things off the internet. Or even going on Wikipedia and typing in random names like Bea Arthur, I've wasted hours upon hours doing that. I know all there is to know about every 70's sitcom on tv, and I really didnt even wanna know but it sure did kill time. tee hee. Luck to all!

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Tony, MO
Date: 04-20-2012
Rating: 10
Comments: Good article. I'm reading it on my iPhone while on the toilet at work right now!

---------------------------------------------------------------
From:
Date: 03-08-2013
Rating: 10
Comments: This is brilliant.Loved it! 

My favorite part, "If you’re a woman talk about your period or chocolate or your cats or whatever else it is that women talk about.
"

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: David, Johnson, AK
Date: 05-16-2013
Rating: 10
Comments: I have an idea to add to all these:

Transcribe Movies and TV shows

If you happen to be lucky enough to have a laptop screen in everyone's blind spot AND you can put on earphones, you can watch movies and TV shows (copied/downloaded to your work system) and never got caught or attract suspicion.  Here's how:
1) Open a notepad window, shrink it and put it in the left hand corner
2) Watch your movie/TV show
3) Transcribe the dialogue viciously and with as much concentration as you can

I have been doing this for 4 years at my company and no one has ever suspected anything.  Just make sure you have something work-related minimized so you can Alt-Tab to it immediately.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Pablo, Argentina
Date: 06-14-2013
Rating: 10
Comments: You forgot to brush your teeth! No one wants to talk to someone with bad breath, specially at work! You should brush your teeth everyday after doing your daily errands. Don't forget to floss and brush every tooth carefully, as your dentist recommends. Time wasted 10 mins ;)

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Average Rating:9.8666666666667 out of 10





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