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Category: Top 10

Top Fifty Signs you may be too Observant for Law School

by Joe Shifer Posted: 08-28-2006(Viewed 3621 times)

50. Your gentile study group is keenly aware of the dos and do nots of Shabbos, even during finals.

49. The girls who weren't interested in you when you were a philosophy major suddenly discover your phone number.

48. You find yourself explaining how most alcohol is kosher. Alot.

47. You spend your spare time devising a scheme to bill 115 hours a week and still keep Shabbos.

46. You swear that the professor who called on you twice in a row is anti-Semitic, even though he is likely Jewish.

45. You are startled to discover that Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists all have as hard a time keeping the Sabbath as you do.

44. Your briefs all have "B"SD" in the top-right corner.

43. You long for the days when all legal disputes were settled by a chestplate with glowing jewels.

42. You find yourself attracted to firms whose named partners have surnames ending in "-witz," "-berg," or "-blum."

41. You debate whether it is okay to order a salad during lunch with a hiring partner because "it is for parnasah."

40. While reading Supreme Court opinions, you picture Scalia as Shamai and Brennan as Hillel.

39. You discover that Blackstone is the law's Reb Moshe.

38. You conclude that the common law is the bastard cousin of the Oral Law.

37. You think Judge Learned Hand has nothing on Choni Ha'Magoal when it comes to names.

36. You don't laugh as hard at Judge Fields' beard as do your classmates, since he looks just like your fourth grade rabbi.

35. You think of chaneeka when discussing the Eight Amendment.

34. You wonder how the Sikh guy got elected to the Student Bar Association despite his beard and turban when you can't even pull off your kippa.

33. You find yourself defending your decision to attend a Catholic school to your Brooklyn relatives.

32. You sign up for the Jewish Law seminar for the same reason you minored in Jewish Studies.

31. You think of shtiqa k'hadoya when discussing acceptance sub silento.

30. You subconsciously find yourself parsing any discussion of international law for an anti-Israel bias.

29. You're shocked to discover, albeit too late, your encyclopedic knowledge of Talmud has nothing to do with law school.

28. The parol evidence rule makes as much sense to you as takfah kohen.

27. The Environmental Law Journal invites you to join during sefirah.

26. You don't care what they say, the First Amendment clearly does not apply to Wiccans.

25. Finding a Schottenstein edition Talmud and a Stone Chumash in the law library gives you great joy, although you secretly worry about sheimos. (Bonus points if you are disappointed with a Steinsaltz or Soncino.)

24. You can't wait for your Yeshiva's finance committee to send you a groveling solicitation letter once you're an attorney, although they forgot about you after you decided to attend college.

23. You dread being on call for any case involving a Jewish organization or a party with a Jewish name.  See United States v. Katz; Congregation Kedimah Toras-Moshe v. DeLeo; and United Jewish Organizations of Williamsburg v. Carey.

22. After living in the library for a week during finals, you laugh derisively at kollel guys.

21.  You're pleasantly surprised to discover that the U.S. Code has more volumes than the Talmud.

20. You consistently refer to a split among circuits as a makhlokes.

19. You figure that your knowledge of two dead languages, ancientHebrew and Aramaic, will help you pick up Latin.

18. You use Yeshivish while on call, and don't realize it until a coreligionist points it out to you a week later.

17. You briefly wonder if a J.D. entitles you to introduce yourself as "doctor."

16. You don't find it odd when an assembled crowd rises for a Supreme Court justice, but you are slightly uncomfortable when its Ruth Bader Ginsberg or Sandra Day O'Connor.

15. You feel triumphant when you pass off a halakhic concept as a Latin term and no one challenges you.

14. You actually think you can pass off the year you spent in Israel speaking nothing but English as "international experience," for that internship in Switzerland.

13. You surf onlysimchas.com during Contracts.

12. While you mock them, you secretly fret whether the BTL guys are smarter than you. (Bonus points if you have a BTL.)

11. You rapidly discover that other minority student associations have a far better outline "mesorah" than the Jewish group.

10. You neglect to tell your classmates that the judge who hired you goes to your shul.

9. You run a Westlaw search to see how many times the courts used the words "chutzpa (276)," "schmuck (1,610- although there is a landmark case where "Schmuck" is a named party)," "mitzvah (269)," "halacha
(17), "halakha (1)," and "yeshivish (0)."  Take points off if you use Westlaw for naughty words.

8. You have the need to analogize every legal concept you learn to something in halakha.

7. You can't help think of azhara and hasroah when discussing Miranda
v. Arizona.

6. You wonder if Miranda gives you the right to a Jewish attorney.

5. You are genuinely concerned that Congress may regulate the esrog industry as interstate commerce.

4. Although he hasn't attended Yom Kippur services since the Eisenhower administration, based on his last name, you are convinced that a faculty member favors you.

3. You're convinced that the bailiff has back problems or hemorrhoids when he announces "oyez oyez oyez."

2. You're convinced that the crushing debt is worth it, just to tell your future father-in-law that you're an attorney.

1. You blow off your school's journal competition to compose a bangitout.com list.

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Date: 09-19-2006
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