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Category: Top 10

Top Ten Halachic Questions for a Jewish Pirate

by seth Posted: 09-19-2006(Viewed 11349 times)

In honor of September 19th being "Talk Like a Pirate Day"

10. If you have a hook instead of a hand, which arm do you put teffillin on?

9. Does your treasure map show how far the eruv extends?

8. How long do you wait till after capturing a ship to put up a mezzuzah in the cabin?

7. If Kalhua doesnt have a hashgacha, what rum do you make kiddush on?

6.   Is owning a parrot assur cause it may cause you to speak loshon hora?  

5. Do you take maaser on an unlocked treasure chest?  worse, what if there is chas vshalom, chometz in there!?

4. Do you cover your eye patch with your hand when you say Shema?

3. Are you able to carry on the plank on shabbos? If your parrot is on your shoulder, is that carrying?

2. Is your pirate hat a zachor l'hamentashen? Can you wear a leather boot on your peg leg on Yom Kippur?

1. You have a wild beard, drink a lot, and always say "Ay-yay":  let's face it: aren't all pirates just Chassidim?

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Bangin' Reader Comments:

From: eshevin
Date: 09-20-2006
Rating: 10

From: more shailyas
Date: 09-19-2006
Rating: 10
  • What type of kinyan do you make on you buried treasure?
  • If you fly with a black flag and skull, what shevet are you representing?
  • If you are Zevulun (ships), who is the Yissachar that you are supporting?
  • Are booty and spoils assur if the conquered ship was worshipping avodah zarah?
  • If you find an eshes yafas toar on a ship, must she shave her head for you?
  • How come noach was able to let on all types of animals on his teva but you only allow weasels and parrots
  • Do women need to wear a bandana if they are married?
  • Where are the kosher restaurants in the carribean?

Date: 09-24-2006
Rating: 10
Comments: So, what are the answers?

From: gersch
Date: 10-19-2006
Rating: 10

Very sharp.  Loved this list.

As for the person who asked about kosher restaurants in the Caribbean...that's what we have Chabad for!

From: Yosf, Riverside, CA
Date: 08-18-2008
Rating: 10
Comments: Hey your article is delightful and I enjoyed it greatly. I had no clue that there existed Jewish pirates. Although it does stand to make sense, if I'm a Jew in Spain in 1492 and I just got kicked out of the country, hay what the heck I'll set sail to another one with with that one guy Columbus. It had connected the two dates, that is the "expulsion" and the "discovery" and thank for the entertaining enlightenment. As always G-d bless...

From: Tal, Akko (thats "safek" Israe
Date: 12-07-2010
Rating: 10
Comments: Answers:

10) Thats easy - you put the tefillin on the hand that is without a hook. BUT what are you going to do if you are called to be "magbiha"?

9) The treasure map has two parts: ocean and island. The ocean needs no eruv (you cant travel), but since the treasure is on an island - the island needs one. You call a head to Chabbad and promise your "maaser" to them. It will get taken care off. Be sure to make it to the island before Shabbat.

8) You need a mezuzha right a way, if the ship is bigger then 2.5m . Please read here the same Q/A by Chief Rabbi of Israel (Hebrew) :  http://www.bhol.co.il/article.aspx?id=21392

7) Captain Morgan IS the official pirate rum and its BADATZ

6) No. Since you will be learning havruta with the parrot during the voyage to the treasure - its actually a mitzvah.

5) You do give ma`aser on the chest (its new income that came to you). There is no problem with hametz, since it was in a "rashut" of a goy during Pessah.

4) You do cover it - BUT be careful not to cover your eye with your hook.

3) You cant carry on the plank - thats "Tiltul". You CAN carry the parrot - its for tora studying.

2) Your pirate hat is a part of the new uniform of "Tzvaot Hashem". You cant wear a leather boot on your peg on Yom Kippur ("nehene", and that "le`humra", see the case of a leather belt).

1) Thats indeed true - there is a "Nitsos" ("spark") in every pirate, waiting to be "picked up". Also, "hakasha" from here is that every hassid is eventually just a pirate.

If you had the energy to read all this and had fun, please visit my KOSHER, Israeli spices and herbs store here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/oldakkoshuk
My Dead Sea products, KOSHER tea and coffee, olive oil etc store is : www.oldakkoshuk.com

Average Rating:10 out of 10

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