Member:
riat |
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"I thought you would all enjoy a copy of 2010
ShimonNechemiah best seller Joke book. Certainly Helped me understand you crazy people!" |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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"Let whoever is hungry eat therof." Unless, of course, they listen to conservative talk radio. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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It's a Kenyan minhag that the leader of the seder does not wear a kippah. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Oh, so in Judaism, it's the mother's faith that determines the child's. In Islam, it's patrilineal. Wait a minute............... |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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We had a big family debate yesterday over Ta' Anit Bechoret. As you know, my dad was quite active and we don't know...... |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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We saved the country by Burning Bush! |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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If Pharoah had my media support, he'd still be in power! |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Next year in Beijing! |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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No, I won't wear a kittel. Got into too much trouble wearing a dashiki in Africa. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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I love this holiday. When we drink the wine, eat the Afikomen and the Korech, we lean to the LEFT. Can't Pesach be every day? |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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That's exactly how Reid and Pelosi got the idea to put blood on our supportive legislators' doorposts. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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No, Justice Sotomayor, we can't put salsa on the seder plate. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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The cruel Egyptian taskmasters made life unbearable for the slaves, along with the intense heat caused by SUVs. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Yeah, baby Moses was drawn from the water. They never found his authentic birth certificate. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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That's right, Harry. Moses was very popular during his early life in Egypt, because he didn't speak with a Hebrew dialect. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Yes, girls, Egyptian women used all sorts of oils and cosmetics to improve their appearance, even having their faces radically altered by ancient physicians. In fact, their descendants include the Speaker of the House. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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It all BOILS down to this. If I have to send in WILD BEASTS to beat the Republicans this November, we will all HAIL the victory. We will not shed a drop of BLOOD as we destroy the enemy LOCUSTS, even if we have to target their FIRST BORN. I don't care what the Germans or FROGS say. We will finally be rid of the LICE, and the DARKNESS of the Bush years will be forgotten. As that great Democrat, Barbra Streisand sang, "Don't MURRAIN On My Parade." |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Ah, Dear Who? Don't ask, don't tell. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Why is this Knight different from all other Knights? No Round Table at this Seder. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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I love reading Hebrew. It mirrors my political agenda - Right to Left. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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The D.C. Chabad House sold their chometz to me and promised to make me a sheliach and send me far away. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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And Moses chose Tzipporah, the Halle Berry of her time. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Aaron made a mistake taking all the treasure and making a golden calf. He should have redistributed the wealth among the Hebrews. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Moses turned his staff into a snake. My Chief of Staff has been that for years. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Seder really means order. You think jobs should go ahead of health care? |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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This is called a Haggadah, detailing how we defeated the evil Republicans in 2008. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Yep, they used hieroglyphics, which we incorrporated into the health care bill. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Egypt was a huge country then. Almost as big as our 57 states. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Here is the story of the four sons: Emanuel, Axelrod, Geithner, and Summers...and they are all dumb! |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Amazing how slaves were freed without an emanciptaion proclamation. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Too bad Biden couldn't be here tonight. Too busy telling Israel to stop building. Bibi told him to stop building in Delaware - it's disputed British and Indian territory. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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2009 phot op at White House Seder. 2010 seder and Jewish supporters diminished. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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You can search for the afikomen now. We''ll provide a stimulus to help you. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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No one makes a brisket like Michelle and my mother-in-law. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Make sure that when we open the door for Elijah, Hillary doesn't show up. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Everyone smile and pretend to have fun in this meaningful moment. We fooled 78% of the Jews with stuff like this. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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I'm more powerful than Sichon Melech Ha Emori and Og Melech Habashan put together. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Eating matzoh is a lot more binding than Obama's promises. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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No problem with purchasing these new sets of Pesach dishes. We'll just raise taxes on evil Wall St. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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You know the Noahide laws dictate that we set up courts of law. I'll let them have it at the next State of the Union address. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Yes, it was bondage - similar to what Eric Massa enjoys. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Now Saha and Malia, you can now understand what your Sidwell classmates are doing tonight. And don't worry, we won't provide vouchers for those DC kids to attend charter schools and ruin the composition of your place of learning. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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So they take a feather, spoon, and candle, and search for intelligent life in the White House. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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We''ll soon count the Omar...sorry, that's Omer. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Chad Gadya means one kid - it's the story about one kid who grew up in Hawaii and Indonesia. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Who know 12? I know 12. The IQ of my supporters. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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We drink four cups of wine for my heroes:
Rev. Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Father Pfleger, and Bill Ayers. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Mt. Sinai was the humblest of mountains. Mt. Sinai will be the humblest of hospitals when Obamacare becomes law. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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So Moses came down from the mountain and the Jews said, "These tablets are hard to swallow." I guess they came from Canada. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Splitting the red sea is nothing. I split the car companies, so now we can go after Toyota. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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I'm sure Eric Holder would have given Pharoah his miranda rights and had him prosecuted in a civilian court. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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We'll end with my favorite, Chad Gadya. It expresses the thought that each entity is greater than the other, culminating in the supreme power of the federal government. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Now Malia and Sasha, it's your turn to ask the four questions. Just don't be specific like Fox News; you know how I like to stick to my talking points. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Our problem is this: We're telling the citizens it's charoses and they say it's maror. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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They don't call me the Shmurah Shvartze for nothing. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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The evil Egyptians deprived the Hebrews their right to health care. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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..And Moses didn't need a teleprompter to speak to Pharoah. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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Tonight we dip twice: The economy and national security. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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So this reminds us that new villians, the Israelis, hinder the peace process by building new settlements. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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If ACORN didn't steal a huge amount of votes, Dayeinu. |
Member:
ShimonNechemiah |
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So now we must recall that we had ten plagues inflicted upon us by George W. Bush. |
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