a special report from health correspondent,Avi Korn .
NEW YORK – March 19, 2001. Americans have, up until this week, witnessed the fright and paranoia of a foreign epidemic spreading throughout Europe as a removed spectator. It was not until Tuesday morning that the scare had been detected on US native shores. Foot-In-Mouth disease is an extremely contagious disease that has for weeks been effecting the European agricultural community, leading to the slaughter of millions of animals.
"It wasn’t so wildly amazing to me that European farmers were experiencing Foot-In-Mouth disease" said Miriam Abramowitz, a tenant of the 97th Street Projects, "I mean when I think of Europeans, I think ‘bad teeth’ and a ‘serious need for deodorant’; and I know first hand- my boss is from Europe."
The Foot-In-Mouth epidemic was first observed last month when a Scottish farmer asked his neighbor to send regards to his wife, only to find out she had died three years ago. "It was quite embarrassing" said the Scot,"I knew something was different". The neighbor then responded -to contain this epidemic- by setting the farmer's property on fire.
Matters only worsened from that point, when an entire farming community in Germany commemorated their World War victory, only to find that they had been defeated, in not one, but both of the wars. Many neighboring countries helped contain the spread of the disease by igniting the town.
The world was obviously not taken by surprise later that week to find that the French were experiencing a number of instances of the epidemic as well. " We didn't even realize anything unusual" said a prominent French Parliament Member, "I mean, I think it's fair to say that my countrymen are generally regarded as extremely rude and obnoxious". Many French citizens then set the properties of their neighboring countrymen aflame, apparently having nothing at all to do with the disease.
The real bombshell came when America witnessed its first instances of Foot-In-Mouth early this week when the Modern Orthodox community of the Upper West Side claimed that they have been experiencing the epidemic for quite some time. The upper west side of New York is home to many modern orthodox Jews who are both single and desperate.
"It was crazy!" said Joel Orgel, a permanent fixture to the OZ Friday night scene. "I introduced my bud to a friend of mine- only to find out they had already dated, gotten engaged, broken it off and now were just fooling around!" continued Orgel, "Hey, I’m just glad no one found out Donny’s name." The epidemic spreads…
Rabbi Schwartz, spiritual leader of the Ohav Zedek congregation said this situation occurs on a regular basis. "I only wish they'd put their feet in their mouths during services, so that I could hear the cantor!" said the Rabbi. "But it's true", he continued "If I had a quarter for every time a male congregant asked a female congregant on a date, only to find out that she was married- I wouldn’t have to keep asking everyone for membership dues." Rabbi Schwartz then disclosed that even his own wife had been proposed to three times outside of the synagogue that previous Friday night.
Sara Berkowitz, another resident of the Upper West Side, although now engaged, recounts a symptom of the epidemic she experienced on a blind 'shidduch' date: "I remember last month when I was simultaneously dating five guys. I called up the wrong one and told him that it wasn’t ‘shayich' " (translation: you’re ugly). Continued Berkowitz, "I was so embarrassed I ended up going on three dates (which, by the way, is clearly indicative of a serious relationship) with the guy who I intended to break up with! Honestly, I’m really not sure what’s happening!
While authorities are unsure of how to contain an outbreak to such a populated area, authorities are exploring the idea of quarantining the community, effectively secluding the neighborhood to within itself. A representative of the Disease Control Center explained: "This would entail the community associating with only each other, strictly eating meals only amongst themselves, and even limiting their relationships to within the community".
As of yet, there have been no protests or even complaints to the suggestion by local Jewish organizations and community members.