• Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20 % of all fatal accidents. 
• Do not stay at home because 17 % of all accidents occur in the home. (that's 37 % already!) 
• Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.(now that's 51%) 
• Avoid traveling by air, trains or buses, 16% of accidents involve these forms of transportation. (that's 67%) 
• Of the remaining 33 percent, 32% of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else avoid hospitals. 

You will be pleased to learn that only 0.01 % of all deaths occur in a synagogue!

...and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. (Hello hatzalah in the middle of Yom Kippur)
 

Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is in Synagogue.
 
Torah Study is even safer! The number of deaths during Torah Study is too small to register!
 
For safety's sake, go to Shul as often as possible, and attend Torah Study!

It could save your life!   

This message has been brought to you by your local synagogue's membership drive.

PS: You don't have to be Jewish to go to shul. Sure, you may not understand what the old guys are saying but they sometimes they serve schnapps in mini paper cups.

1.     I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2.     More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3.     Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4.     I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5.     Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6.     I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
7.     The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
8.     Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9.     There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
16. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
17. Was learning cursive really necessary?
18. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
21. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
23. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)...ummm...Goonies"
24. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
25. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
26. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
27. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
28. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
29. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
30. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
31. Bad decisions make good stories
32. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
33. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
35. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
38. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
39. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
40. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
41. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
42. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
43. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
44. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
45. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
46. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
47. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
48. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
49. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
50. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
51. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
52. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
53. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
54. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.
55. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

I'm wondering if any of you readers out there have noticed any suspicious behavior on the part of frogs. I ask because the ones at my house are definitely up to something.

I live in South Florida, which has a hot, moist, armpit-like climate that is very favorable for life in general. Everything down here is either already alive or about to be. You could leave your toaster out on your lawn overnight, and by morning it would have developed legs, a tail, a mouth, tentacles, etc., and it would be prowling around looking for slower, weaker appliances to prey on.

So I am used to wildlife. I am used to the fact that, as I walk from my car to the front door -- striding briskly to prevent fungus from growing on my body -- I will routinely pass lizards, snakes, spiders, snails and mutant prehistoric grasshoppers large enough for the Lone Ranger to saddle up and ride into the sunset on (''Hi-ho, Silver, AWAYYYEEEEEIIIKES!'').

My yard has also always had plenty of frogs. Until recently, these were plump, non-aggressive frogs who just sat there, looking pensively off into the distance, thinking frog thoughts (''How am I supposed to reproduce? I appear to lack organs!'')

But lately my yard has become infested with a whole new brand of frogs -- smaller, quicker, junior -- welterweight frogs that are extremely jittery, as though they spent their tadpole phase swimming around in really strong espresso. And for some reason these frogs desperately want to GET INSIDE MY HOUSE. They hide in crannies on my front stoop, waiting, and when I open the front door they suddenly HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP, and the stoop turns into the Oklahoma Land Rush, except that instead of hardy pioneers racing to claim homesteads, there are hordes of small, caffeine-crazed frogs bounding into my living room, moving far too fast for the human foot to stomp on.

The eerie thing is, within seconds, the invading frogs have ALL DISAPPEARED. Some go under the sofa, but many seem simply to vanish. I think maybe they've developed some kind of camouflage, so they can blend into the living-room environment by taking on the appearance of a carpet stain or (if they are really organized) a piano.

All I know is, the frogs go into my house, and they do not come out, which means that there are now, by conservative estimate, thousands of frogs hiding somewhere in my living room. This makes me nervous. I'm wondering if maybe it could be a plague.

I say this because my wife is Jewish, and each year her family comes to our house to celebrate Passover with a traditional Seder feast. I am not Jewish, but I always join in, on the theory that you should embrace as many religions as possible, because you never know. You could die and find yourself in an afterlife facing the eternal judgment of, for example, L. Ron Hubbard. So I participate in the Seder; in fact, at our house I always make the traditional matzo balls, using an ancient Presbyterian recipe. (The matzo balls symbolize the Old Testament story about how the Israelites, after following Moses all over the desert, finally came to a place where there was chicken soup.)

Anyway, there's this one point in the Seder ceremony when we all dip our fingers into our glasses of ancient traditional Manischewitz wine, and then we drop 10 wine droplets onto our plates while we say, out loud, the names of the 10 Plagues of Egypt, which are: blood, darkness, blight, slaying of the first born, wild beasts, lice, boils, locusts, hail and -- you guessed it --Leonardo DiCaprio.

No, seriously, one of the plagues is frogs. So I'm thinking that maybe, during the most recent Seder, when we were saying the plague names, we failed to make adequate wine droplets for the frogs. My concern is that this might have violated some clause in the Old Testament, such as the Book of Effusions, Chapter 4, Verse 7, Line 6, which states: ''And yea thou shalt BE sureth to maketh a GOOD frog droplet, for if thou shalt NOT, forsooth thou SHALT getteth a BIG plague of frogs, and they SHALT be of the JUNIOR-welterweight division, and they WILL hideth UNDER thine sofa.'' Or maybe there's some other cause. Maybe it's a Y2K issue, and these are non-compliant frogs. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I don't like sitting in my living room at night, watching the TV, knowing that all around me, hidden in the dark, thousands of beady little eyes are also watching the TV ... and maybe waiting for some secret signal. Perhaps you think I am crazy. Fine. Then perhaps you can explain to me why, when the frogs croak in the Budweiser commercial, my piano croaks back.

It is a Kabbalistic expansion, a meditation, pray, and mantra.

—- m, mc, mccai, mccain M’Arizona!!!!!!-

— m, mc, mccai, mccain, M’Arizona!!!!–

--- m, mc, mccai, mccain, M'Arizona!!!--

]]> Bangitout.com Mon, 13 Oct 2008 04:54:04 +0100 http://www.bangitout.com/articles/viewarticle.php?a=2335 George Carlin was niftar today. Some quotes from the master...from http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com

1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
   
   
2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
   
   
3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
   
   
4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
   
   
5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
   
   
6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
   
   
7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
   
   
8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
   
   
9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
   
   
10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
    
    
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    
    
12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
    
    
13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
    
    
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
    
    
15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
    
    
16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
    
    
17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
    
    
18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
    
    
19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
    
    
20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
    
    
21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
    
    
22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
    
    
23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
    
    
24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    
    
25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
    
    
26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
    
    
27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
    
    
28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
    
    
29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
    
    
30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
    
    
31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
    
    
32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
    
    
33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
    
    
34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
    
    
35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
    
    
36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
    
    
37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
    
    
38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
    
    
39. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

-------------------------

Some more great quotes pulled from http://www.brainyquote.com 

Always do whatever's next.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Religion is just mind control.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The status quo sucks.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Think off-center.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on
braces?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard
it is to get this junk off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across thePotomac, you can kiss
your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man,midnightis long
past your curfew!"

And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something
about your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last
forty years."

An elderly Jewish man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Rugalach wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on paper towels on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite Rugalach. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the pastry was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a piece at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the after."

A young Jewish Mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
" Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"

" And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."

"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

" So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the temple. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.

Menachim, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.

A Jewish man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, and how are you."

" Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because, I haven't eaten in 38 days."

" Mama," the man says, "that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

In a New Jersey restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
"Now serving live lobsters"

On the menu of a restaurant
"Blackened bluefish"
 
In a New York drugstore
"We dispense with accuracy."

In a New York medical building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"
 

On the walls of a Baltimore estate
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
   -- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

 
In a funeral parlor
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

Outside a country shop
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
"15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
"Parking for birds only."

In the vestry of a New England church
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
extinguished"

In a laundry room
"Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
"Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."

 
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
"Crap - .79/lb."

In a Florida maternity ward
"No children allowed."

In the offices of a loan company
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

At a number of US military bases
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
"Now available in multi-packs"

In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetary
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."

On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."

In a library
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from
the Transbay bus terminal
"Terminal Drugs"

From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell
a crew member."

On a delicatessen wall
"Our best is none too good"

On a roller caoster
"Watch your head"

On a Maine shop
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."

In downtown Boston
"Callahan Tunnel / No end."

A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
"Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."

For those of you who don't have the patience to sit thru a full Seder:  The Two-Minute Haggadah - A Passover service for the impatient.

Opening prayers:

    Thanks, God, for creating wine.  (Drink wine.)
   Thanks for creating produce.  (Eat parsley.)

Overview:

Once we were slaves in Egypt.  Now we're free.  That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
    1.  What's up with the matzoh?
    2.  What's the deal with horseradish?
    3.  What's with the dipping of the herbs?
    4.  What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1.  When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2.  Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3.  It's called symbolism.
4.  Free people get to slouch.

A funny story:

    Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning.  (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
    Wise child-explain Passover.
    Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
    Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
    Wicked child-brow beat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children:  We hid some matzoh.  Whoever finds it gets five bucks.
 

The story of Passover:

    It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through. The Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues:  Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
    If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If He'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough. If He'd parted the Red Sea (remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.) etc.

Eat matzoh.  Drink more wine.  Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Say Grace. Drink more wine. Sing some more songs. Try to stay awake.

Who knows one? Who knows two through thirteen?

Dad bought a goat for two zuzim. Everyone beats up every one until God steps in.

Go to sleep.

Do it again another night.

4)  Uh, tainted beef?

3)  Whether it's a hooker or your wife, you're always paying for it -- you
married fellas know what I'm talking about

2)  Wanted to be known as the Charlie Sheen of politics

1)  I thought Bill Clinton legalized this years ago

---
10) Hey, what's new?
9) It's Barack Obama. Remember our conversation about being my running mate? Nevermind.   
8) Ralph Nader here, glad to hear I'm not the only politician who has to pay for it   
7) I'm calling from the 'New York Post.' Would you rather be known as 'Disgraced Gov Perv' or 'Humiliated Whore Fiend'?
6) This is John McCain, if it makes you feel better, I once got caught having sex with Lincoln's wife
5) It's Dr. Phil, call me if you need any horse**** advice
4) This is Senator Larry Craig. Do you ever go through the Minneapolis airport?   
3) It's Wolf Blitzer. Call me if you ever want a hot Spitzer-Blitzer three-way   
2) Paris Hilton here. I would have done it for free
1) It's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thanks, I'm no longer America's creepiest governor

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.