Dear Bangochover Rav,

Dear Rebbi, Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Noel, Dallas, TX
Rabbi: Dear Soul Searcher, A very deep baffling kasha, one that has made some of our ingenius masters and disciples go mad. My guess would be to check the Dome of the Rock(apella) But, if I were Lubovitch, I'd conveniently suggest, check your mezuzah.

Dear Rav, What is Kabbalah? Michelle, Skokie, IL
Rabbi: Dear Marvelous Asher-Kutcher Chasid, Once you turn 40 years old, learn all of the TANACH, Gemara, Mishna Brura it'll become as clear to you as a watered down chulent. The only other way of reaching the highest levels of mysticism in Judaism, is to become an incredibly wealthy popstar featured on VH1 100 times a day, and then convert to christianity.

Dear Rav, Is Being in Love before Marraige Wrong? Jonny R, San Diego, CA
Rabbi: Dear Baal-Tayvah, If it isn't, I have some explaining to do.

Dear Rav, Is Starbucks Drinks Kosher? Emily, Caffeine Addict -Lower Merion, PA
Rabbi: My Dear Neshamachino Latte, paying $5 for burnt coffee is assur midoraysa. Someone should never worship CochavimKesef. But since they filter their water in New York, I'll give you a heter.

Dear Rabbi, WHY did Yeshiva University put an end to there once very famouse "mixers" between YU/Stern College???? There are no co-ed social events anymore WHY??????? They were great when they had them in the 60's and 70's and 80's!? Dovi, Shtark YU Bochur
Rabbi: Dear My Beloved Shtark JSS yid, you have been michavayne to the bomb kasha of some of the greatest rishonim and achronim of this generation, none of which were as brazen to put their teshuvos in writing. Luckily, I have that sefer. There was a time my beloved YU talimidim once looked forward to more exciting things than simply bumping into Stern Tzidkaniyos at the Seforim Sale bishogayge. Now they are left to finding their bashert by staring endlessly at Werzweiller rebetzins, and hoping to have the improbable mazal to get seats in the coed section at the Chanukah Concert. The answer is that the roshei yeshivot would rather you find your bashert in a more private and tznius setting - If that place, which they have given aitzah to visit, is explicit chat rooms in the YU Computer lab at 3am. They have done their job well.

Dear Rabbi, Being that Adam probably had no umbilical chord, it is unlikely that he had a belly button...Do you , with your rabbinical knowledge, concur? -Loyal Reader, E.G.
Rabbi: Dear Loyal Chuzpanick, Who taught you to ask a shylah? Do I concur with YOU? I wrote the book on Umbilical Chords Throughout Shaas, (Feldheim 1978 "Igeres Pupick") How dare you ask me such a treif 15th Century theological Art History kasha, a course which following my attendance, Rav Shechter proudly assured. However, I do recall an obscure midrash that says explicitly "The lint produced in Adam's naval was used to sew the Yerios of the Mishkan." Hamayvin Yavin.

With the Yamim Noraim approaching, what are you sorry for? -Joey E.
According to my ilui Cheshbone Hanefesh accountant, I really didn't dance hard enough at my nephew's cousin's brother's wedding, I tried to do a shtickle Mr. Roboto mixed with some hayligah Brittney Spears Shlita moves, but I ended up with Hatzalah dancing me to a stretcher.(before the MAIN Course!) The funny thing is that happened at my own wedding as well. (in the yichud room) Oops, I did it again.

Are you frum? -Flamebaby, G.C., IL
: Dear holy holy Aishyeled, If you go according to the Modern understanding of the term FRUM as an Acronym for: Forget Religion Until Moshiach. NO WAY IN EFFIN HELL!!!!

I have seen new square kosher milk at the market, and I am perplexed. What can possibly be unkosher about milk? Please respond, as this is a serious inquery. Elayne Hack
Rabbi: Well for starters, male cow's milk ain't kosher(see the movie Kingpin for more detail) Also one may confuse it for shiksa breast milk, which is a heck of a lot better looking and tastier (I'm told!) Which may not be kosher if she worships (American) idols, like my Barry Manilow-to-be Clay, but don't worry it is, according to most poskim, still considered pareve!

Why did Onlysimchas crash? Bear Cats, Teaneck, NJ
Rabbi: Onlysimchas suffered the plague of Choshech, Darkness, so that they could secretly remove all the ugly people on the site...and by ugly I mean taken. The west side wants Onlysingles.com pics, that would bring real simcha to the upper web-side.

What can I do to repent for what I did at a certain new years party? Bensi Balldrop, Times Square, NY
Rabbi: "There are 3 T's," says Rav Pat Sajak, but if Teshuva, Tefillah and Tzedaka don't apply you can always try 'location, location, location' as a mantra, or click your heels together 3 times and say Shalom Aliechem to 3 girls at the next party. The one who responds Aleichem Shalom is your bashert... We are talking about dating right?


How come Jews eat Chinese food on Christmas? General Tsaowitz, Chinatown
Rabbi: We do so because it satisfies our appetites & our souls, allowing us to focus all our spiritual efforts on whatever our eternal, holy torah Fortune cookies, tell us.

Will there be a New York City transit strike? Moshe Bloomberg, Gracie Mansion, NY
Rabbi: Monsey Trails brakes for no one! I'd be more worried about getting sold out of the Christmas Day charter bus to Atlantic City.. Something moving about davening Maariv with 500 Chassidim all facing (and praying to) the holy penny slots.

Who will be the next leader of the Sopranos family Dynasty? Paully Walmart, Newark , NJ
Rabbi:  HBO has appointed the YU presidential search committee to decide. They are doing some research to see if there is any Italian lineage in the Soleveichick family.

Is Turkey Kosher? Pocahantas Goldberg, Plymouth Rock, MA
Rabbi: this "Americanisha hen" may lack mesorah, but it definitely has a place in my stomach. If you disagree, I'm not M'goble.

Hey Rabbi, where can I find a good DVD Player? Chaim, Brooklyn
Rabbi: Such a pliadicka kasha, I searched my seforim to be misachayke with such rushay tayvos, Pshitah it's Dor V'Dor, but I found the Holy Kutzker says the letters, Daled-Vuv-Daled, stands for none other than the saintly Dovie Van Damme, Claude Van Damme's yeshivisha brother in the shtarkest movie "The Order" – so nu, why not check the 'straight to video' rack?

"Do you have a question that only a rabbi can answer? Send in the question here, and I'll start my research right away" - The Bangochover Rav

Why are there so many songs about rainbows? Jim, CA
Ah, holy zmiroys! According to our Tradition, (great soups, no?), the rainbow guarantees that Hakadosh Baruch Hu will never destroy the world again, but to address the larger question: Do male frogs have an issur of Kol Isha? 100%! (see my other articles on "Hilchos Dinay Muppets" or "Don Deluise's Greatest Hits, and other signs of armagedon" for more detail)

Got Milk? Jay, Memphis
Hu'vaadah! According to all poskim you can find it in land of Chalav u'Dvash, the one spiritual homeland of our people, the land promised to our forefathers for generations, - New Square! (Say better, Do you have to wash for 2% New Square Milk?…. Tayku)

What does the mystical word PARDES really stand for? Brocha, Israel
Like I need to answer such a klutz kasha? Please Excuse My Dear Aunt ShaydafraidelbasEsterGitty!

Where Should I ask My girlfriend to marry me, according to halacha? Michael, NJ
Pshita! Anyplace where you can get a good shot of her for onlysimchas.com's goysiha bragging rights. According to Hilchos Onlysimchas, If your pictures don't spur mass loshon horah, hirhurim, guyvah and 700 "MAZAL TOV!" messages (note: the CAPS LOCK chiyuv) the engagement is obviously halachically invalid.

Are Teffilin Dates shayich on a first date? Donny, Queens
Huh? "Teffilin Dates" ? The following are the appropriate dates you should schedule to have your tfellin checked: 1)Once every seven years. 2)if the seventh year happens to fall out on a shmita year, then you check them twice on the sixth year. 3) Immediately After Any time you have dropped them into an Item of food.4) Immediately After Any time you have leant them to some guy using high levels of styling gel (this seems to mostly occur on the Upper West Side of New York, for some reason). But what these teffilin dates have to do with dating and shiduchim, I don't know of such things.

Is Cybersex allowed in Judaism? Kenny , NYCNY
Rabbi: You bet it is, as long as its though a sheet.

How do I get a girl to fall in love with me? Jon, Queens NY
Rabbi:That is very simple kasha to answer, and I'm glad you asked me, as I do marriage counseling on the side (as well as catering, call me). There is really no psak halacha on this inyun. However, in the Teshuvas Hagaonim it brings down that the key is to be an eved Hashem, well that, and lose some serious serious weight.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Jenn, New Haven, CT
Being that tootsie pops are 'chazar traif', the best teretz (answer) is to use a shinui, more specifically, lick 'puchos mishuveh prutah' with your left tongue, then wait 6 hours for milchigs.

What's worse, Eating Traif or going to Yeshiva University? Joe, Balitmore MD
Tayku.

In Halacha, is cloning allowed? Esther, Washington Heights, NY
Gevalt, great shayluh, there are about 3000 RJJ Journal articles on the subject, all of which come to the same conclusion- that RJJ articles never have any clear conclusions.

What's wrong with the color red?(Gemara Brachos) Lilach from Israel
Red, like many of the Sutan's devices, is always indicative of evil -(ie. Red Rum Backwards and CarrotTop) However, there is one exception the Steipler brings down - "Red 5" , the name of Luke Skywalker's fighter craft in The Empire Strikes Back. Now that's Bekiyus!

Can you feel the Love tonight? Ari,Washington DC
Ahvas Hashem, like a good suit lining, should always be felt.

Is it asur to bang if you are drunk? Doesn't this fall into the category of shogeg? Anonymous, Cyberspace
Ha! "Is it asur to bang if you are drunk?" - Are Pigs Trief!?? (Please refer to volume 6 of my Shaiylos U'Teshuvos, where I discuss whether Pigs are Trief or not).

Who Let the Dogs the Out? Brian, NYC
It is a machlokes, Ran and Rayved, Some say Stern College, but most poskim hold by a institution called Banard.

What does the Gemara say about Dating? Chani, Atlanta GA
The Gemara compares it to Splitting the Sea - There is a discussion of how many miracles were done at the Red Sea - either 200 or 500 -that's approximately how many horrendous dates you need to go on, in order to figure out naturally - that Jews don't hold of miracles.

Who is hotter Evan or Jaron? Lon, Texas
I 've taken some years to research this kasha - the answer is we hold by Evan in Dinay Mumone and Jaron in Dinay Ishus

Why do we cover our eyes when we say the Shema? Adam, Scranton, PA
This is a basic tenant to our Judaism, very simply - we cover our eynayim in order to concentrate on the words we say, as well as the stocks we invest in.

How does Judaism view "The Immortality of the Soul"? Robin, Cyberspace
Oy Vaysmere.. this is a most esoteric and mysterious topic, and one hesitates to even write openly and concisely about such abstract matters. Even our holy holy sages do not speak about this subject in a clear and decisive way. But, to answer your question: yes, the soul is immortal.

Does Jewish Law prohibit nipple piercings? Yechiel, Florida
I, like the Banguchuver rebbeim before me, got one for the anniversary of the Original Banguchuver Rav's release from prison- of course it is only acceptable if you get a Jewish star, or a "Chai Y'all" pendant. My advise is to get it on Ben Yehuda next time you're there - its a lot cheaper than your name written on Rice - which to this day has no apparent purpose.

Is going to a certain website called Bangitout.com mutar (permissible)? Mayer, Detroit, MI
100%, in fact, it's a chiyuv!(obligation) Like it says in Pirkay Avos, Cleanliness leads to a bunch of other 'iness-es that eventually lead to banging. Remember the 'Misilas Yesharim'- One must bang out their Yaytzer Hurahs though any means possible, including banging Torah, Halacha and certainly banging your rebayim, heck, bang your rebetzin if helps! There's no Kalus Rosh like Dvar Ervah. (that means learn torah and send me more questions- now)