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SGA (Sofrim Guild of America) Goes On Strike

With an action that brought to a halt the writing of sifrei Torah, mezuzot and tefillin, the Sofrim Guild of America flexed their pale muscles in a show of strength that had Jews all over America wondering what would be next. "We want our share of the revenue that's generated when sections of the Torah are used online or, more recently, framed and used as expensive decoration in Five Towns homes!" No talks were scheduled and picket lines were being organized with breaks for mincha and maariv.

In a shocking postscript to the Giants' amazing victory in the Super Bowl, MVP Eli Manning admitted in an exclusive interview that he was Jewish and that his name, Eli, means "my God", and was given to him by his brother, Peyton ("Peyis") Manning in a small town Mississippi shul. Never allowed to play football in his yeshiva because of the pigskin, Manning finally came into his own when he went to study in Israel for a year and learned to play from NFL programs on Israeli TV. Upon his return to Mississippi, his family complained he had become too religious and would not be allowed to play football unless he agreed to eat fish out.

In a well-attended press conference at The Prime Grill, Abe Foxman, head of the ADL, charged both political parties with discrimination against Jews in the presidential races. "They are running women, blacks and old, goyisch war veterans but not a single Jew!" Foxman declared while snacking on a baby lamb chop. When asked about Bloomberg's "short" campaign, Foxman called the mayor "a tease who left us all frustrated like Sheila Rosenfeld did in high school."

The Justice Department was stunned to learn that A.G. Mukasey's wife, the former Principal of the Ramaz lower school, was behind his reluctance to condemn waterboarding as torture. "While it wasn't legal per se at Ramaz, it wasn't technically illegal either and was only rarely used on students who would not go the required seven blocks from the school before eating non-kosher food." When asked to comment, Rabbi Haskel Lookstein, the diminutive headmaster of the school, said "We are very proud of Mrs. Mukasey as well as other members of KJ like Bob Abrams, Eli Weisel, Howard Rubinstein and I am very friendly with Anatoly Scharansky. Go Giants!"

After spending over $60 million on apartments for his daughters, Mr. Rennert also bought them Yahoo!, thereby frustrating Microsoft's bid for the search company. "The girls will have to share Yahoo! between them–even I couldn't afford to buy Google as well!" said the owner of America's largest private home located in Sagaponack.

In a statement certain to ruffle streimeles in the chassidic world, Jerome Kerviel claimed that he was a low-level currency trader going nowhere until he read about the Spinka Rebbe's multi-million dollar money-laundering scam. "I'm not even Jewish" said the young Parisian, "but I was incredibly moved by the simple brilliance of that Chassid's scheme. I guess I was wrong."

LOS ANGELES--Mahmoud Youngman, a 23-year-old Palestinian entertainer who claims to be related to the late comedian Henny Youngman, received a poor reception in his American debut at a Los Angeles comedy club this week.

       "He really bombed," said club owner Jack Mehoff. "He died on stage."

       Youngman, who has a rapid, machine gun-fire delivery, denies that his performance was a failure.

       "I killed," he claimed after his 10 o'clock show on Thursday night. "The audience was dying of laughter. I had them in stitches."

        Many club patrons disagreed.

       "He stank," said Lane D. Parsha, a tourist who was in the audience. "All the guy kept saying was, 'Take my life, please.'"

       Mehoff said he had no plans to bring back the comedian for future club dates.

      "To have him return would be suicide for me," Mehoff said.

ALBANY, N.Y. - Former Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was caught this month arranging high-priced prostitutes in Washington DC, say this dark episode in his life will be driving motivation behind his newest political aspiration: to become VICE president of the United States. "I now have an unparrralleld level of experience in this area of politics" boasts Mr. Spitzer, who asked reporters to refer to him only as John. "I can assure any presidential candidate that I can live up to everything which the title Vice president entails." Spitzer says that the key to being a good VP is knowing how exactly the system operates. "I know how to get things done in Washington, who exacly to call or text and how much things really cost." The former hard-nosed prosecutor, NY Govenor and Client#9 hopes to create a bi-partisian task force loaded with experienced political A-Listers such as Senator Larry Craig and Representative Barney Frank to enhance the reach and role of the office. Spitzer also named former President Bill Clinton, millionaire Charlie Kushner and Actor Hugh Grant to be top advisers on all night-to-night activities, reviewing the different "hot spots" around the country with a focus on 42nd Street, Chinatown massage parlours, D.C. hotels and the entire city of Las Vegas.

"The role of Vice president is an important one, it carries a lot of responsibility, it affects millions of people across the country, virtually every member of congress, most people in Hollywood and now many within the church. As you all know, I have first hand experience in one area of vice. With time, I hope to master gambling, smoking, overeating, drinking and facebooking - with that - I can become the leader who knows the full vice landscape, who knows how to get to the smokey backrooms and get things done there!"

(Miami) - Lynne Spears, mother of troubled pop-star Britney Spears and pregnant 16year old JamieLynne Spears, has joined local Orthodox rabbis in warning about the high risk behaviors of some students who spend the so-called yeshiva week vacation in Florida, Bangitout News Desk reports.

"Britney and Jamie Lynne went down for Yeshiva Week and came back a completely different people" warned Spears, who thought the idea of her daughters spending the week among teenage Jewish students would be beneficial for her children to meet with other wealthy, spoiled teens who also think they are the center of the universe.

In advance of yeshiva week, Mrs. Spears sent an e-mail to Teaneckshuls and other synagogue families urging them not to send their children to Florida unsupervised, or atleast without a group of bodyguards.

"In past years, I have heard there has been activity which has been unbecoming of Orthodox Jews, involving abuse of alcohol, drug use, and promiscuous behavior. As you can see from my daughters Britney and Jamie Lynn, there have been very tragic results," wrote Spears.

"I don't want to sound negative," Spears told reporters "But in a one week at the Eden Roc, Britney is now delusional, suicidal, hospitalized, dating a paparazzi boyfriend, stopped wearing her underpants, and Jamie Lynn is now a pregnant teen- and worst of all," admitted Spears, with tears in her eyes, "neither of them will eat in my kitchen anymore."