Based on 'My Name Is' by Eminem

 

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Dedicated to ALL those hours we spend preparing lessons….

Hi! My name is (what?)…my name is (who?)…
my name is… Cheder Teacher
Hi! My name is (huh?)…my name is (what?)…
my name is… Cheder Teacher

Ahem…excuse me!
Can I have the attention of the class for one second…

Hi kids! Do you like torah? (yeah yeah yeah!)
Wanna see avrohom, yizchok and sarah? (uh huh!)
Wanna copy them and do exactly like they did? (yeah yeah!)
Try G-d and get a new perspective on what life is ? (huh?)
My heads dead weight, I'm tryin' to get this test straight
But I can't figure out which of the four mothers had esav (Ummmm..)
The principal said: "Cheder Teacher you a genius ."
Uh-huhhh! "That why's ya class great, girl you perfect "
Well since age 12 I've felt like doing something else
Cuz I failed my classes, sneaking off at lunch to Dougies
Got a degree at Touro, very simple to do
And from then on I just teach what it like to be a Jew
I know about Eve, Adom and Bereshit
But I cant figure out what fractions should look like
C'mere Kids! (Wait a minute, thats my Honor student Faigy)
I don't give a damn, G-d sent me to teach the world this

Hi! My name is (what?)…my name is (who?)…
my name is… Cheder Teacher
Hi! My name is (huh?)…my name is (what?)…
my name is… Cheder Teacher

My English teacher wanted to flunk me in junior high
Only problem was, my Dad was on the school board
I got him to give me straight A's
Chased him with my report card
And stapled his grades to my book (Yesssssss!)
Walked into Touro, had my bank account checked
Flashed security my ID, and stuck my check in the mail (Wsssshhhhh…)

Extraterrestrial, speaking to charedim

Looking at Boro Park boys as they scream "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS!"
99% of my life I was lied to
I just found out my kids know more than I do
I told them I'd grow up to be a Frummer
Make a mark in my resume before standing under the Chuppah (Oh thank you!)
You know you blow up when the kids chalk up your chair
To try to get your skirt dirty while you wearing the 'fake' hair (Aaahhhhhh!)
This kid's mom passed and asked for the grade
So I gave it: 'Dear Lady, thanks for the support, they failed!

Hi! My name is (what?)…my name is (who?)…
my name is… Cheder Teacher
Hi! My name is (huh?)…my name is (what?)…
my name is… Cheder Teacher

Stop the tape! This teacher needs to be locked away! (Get her!)
Principal don't just stand there, Evacuate!
I'm not ready to leave, it's a lack of salary
I'll have to be carried out the school, and left to cry
Am I comin' or goin'? I can barely decide,
I just drank a fifth of cherry brandy…principal want to imbibe? (Go 'head.)
All my life I was very deprived
I ain't had a good class in years, the kids are far too bright
Clothes worn like they aint from Elsies
I spit when I talk, I'll drink l'chaim to anything with chalk (C'mere.)
When I was teacher training I used to get so excited I would spout Rashi
Now i can only teach the kids how to eat make brachot on Noshies
I lie awake and dream of the old days,
When i Used to know the bracha over rainbow rays
I'm steamin' mad (Arrrggghhh!)
And by the way when you see my dad? (Yeah.)
Tell him that I am the worst teacher you ever had….

Hi! My name is (what?)…my name is (who?)…
my name is… Cheder Teacher
Hi! My name is (huh?)…my name is (what?)… my name is… Cheder Teacher