Arye: First off, thanks so much for meeting us. We are so excited about having an interview with you featured on our website. It brings a great amount of validity to a site otherwise known as a laughable joke. A ridiculous excuse for two identical twins to get off on themselves.
Madonna: Arye, I just want you to know how big of a fan I am of those kooky Galena twins. They are the funniest Modern Orthodox Jewish identical twins from Philadelphia that I know.
A: Hmmm, I see. Well, the show was amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
M: Did you find the Kol Isha to be a problem?
A: No, at all. I hear that lip synching it mutar.
M: Oh, you are such a kidder. Yeah, my throat is hurting a bit but its good to be on tour again. It’s been nine long years.
A: The Truth Or Dare tour. I missed that one. A bit too provocative for any nice Jewish boy.
M: You know, here’s the funny thing – I was never into that kinda thing. The sex thing just sort of sold out the shows. I’m more about the music. The message. When I say "papa, don’t preach," there’s a message there. I don’t really expect you Jews to get it though. Because all you Jews ever do is preach. That, and eat a lot.
A: We also have a tendency to save a lot of money.
M: Right. How could I have forgotten? It reminds me of the time when I was first starting out and I was looking for costumes to wear on stage. My manager at the time, Yoni Berkow, a real cheap bastard, recommended that I save money on costumes and just wear a lot of underwear on stage. Like lace and bras, pointy ones. In the end, he was right. It did save us a lot of money but the Christian Coalition did not like what I was wearing. Or should I say, what I wasn’t wearing. But it’s not the first time a Jew has pissed off the Christians. Like the time you Jews killed Jesus.
A: Those radical Christians. Always trying to keep an artist down.
M: They’re really not very fond of you Jews, either. You’re always suing them.
A: Ha ha ha. Yeah, we’re mostly lawyers. Speaking of business, you’re quite a businesswoman. Over the years, you’ve made a lot of money off of the Madonna Empire. Quite impressive. How do you do it?
M: Great question. I’m just really smart. I’m so smart, I sometimes think I’m Jewish. I’ve taken a lot of chances and made mistakes but they made me stronger. Look, for every copy of True Blue sold, I was also in Dick Tracy.
And while I may sell 10 million copies of Ray of Light, I still try so hard
to validate myself as an actor. I mean, did you see Evita? What was I
thinking? But we make mistakes and we have to move on and learn from them. Sort of like you Jews. Look, you guys don’t hang out with Germans anymore.
A: How true. How true. Now, let me ask you about your association with the Kabbalah?
M: Oh, the kabbalah. It’s really so cool and mystical (under her breath, Madonna says: "shake your ass, watch yourself")…no, but really, it was fascinating to read the things you Jews came up with. You guys have an amazing imagination. This whole chapter I read about the Gefilte Fish. Wow, intense.
A: I must have missed that one. What was that about the Gefilte Fish?
M: Shame on you, Arye. And you call yourself "frum"? Well, according to your Kabbalah, it says if you eat Gefilte Fish during the week, you’ll have at least 5 hit songs a year. Shmuely Boteach showed me that one. So now I eat Gefilte Fish almost everyday. It’s so tasty. Quite an acquired taste but once you get it…mmmm, there is no stopping. I crave Gefilte when we’re on the road. But no one in Missouri knows how to make it. And that’s where Chabad comes in. Thank God for Chabad.
A: Are you now affiliated with Chabad?
M: Who isn’t? When I’m in Kentucky, I’m good to go. My Gefilte fix is set. We have a map on our tour bus of all Chabad locations. Guy just loves their
random facial hair. He’ll say, Madonna, check out that guy’s random facial
hair. And we’d laugh.
A: Speaking of Guy, how is that marriage coming along?
M: He’s really great. A wonderful guy and so, so talented. It’s a pleasure having him around. He’s just a great Guy. Get it? Guy? Guy?
A: Yes, good one, indeed. Tying the knot after all these years. That must have been hard?
M: Two words: Only Simchas. We just wanted to be on that site desperately. That site is like crack cocaine. So addictive. I’m on it everyday. Did you know that Yaakov Lyman is engaged. Wow, he’s such a nerd. But Guy and I laugh all the time at the dorky pictures. None of the girls are touching the guys. What is wrong with you people? Do you all have leprosy? You Jews with your not touching each other. Just get it over with.
A: So now, let’s talk about the show. A lot of people have complained that you don’t sing any of the old songs. Why is that?
M: You know, it’s like asking McCartney to sing Beatles tunes. It was a different band then. A different me. I’m not really interested in performing "Like A Virgin" because everyone knows I’m not a virgin. You know I’m not, right?
A: Yes, I think a book entitled "Sex" proved that.
M: Oooh, let’s not bring that one up. Can you believe Vanilla Ice was in that
book? Talk about mistakes. He’s melted now. Get it? Ice? Melted?
A: Another good one. You know, I’ve never seen the book.
M: Oh, well you should. I’m hot in it. Smoking. I’m so embarrased that in a few years my kids will see that book. And see me in all these uncompromising
positions doing really nasty things to random people. What will I say to them when they ask me, Mommy, why is Vanilla Ice in your book? I’ll be appalled.
A: Yes, that is a dilemma. One, thank God, I’m not confronted with (editor note: Arye was actually an extra in the Vanilla Ice feature film, Cooler Than Ice. He too has a past with Vanilla Ice to be embarrassed of). So, back to your old song question. I would have loved to hear "Like A Prayer".
M: Figures. You Jews love that song. The whole prayer reference. I do love that song…but is life really a mystery? Does everyone have to stand alone? I mean, do I hear you calling my name? What’s it all mean?
A: Ah ha. How’s the bambino?
M: Oh, he’s fantastic. What is it you Jews say…"shepping nachas"? I think
Sandra Bernhardt taught me that one.
A: Speaking of Jewish Lesbians, do you keep in touch with her?
M: She’s a bad influence on the kids. So, not as much as I used to. The other day, I heard her telling my kids that you Jews did not in fact kill Jesus. Where does she come up with this nonsense? Poor Jesus.
A: How about Sean? Do you ever speak with him?
M: Let’s put it this way – I am affiliated with him as much as talent was affiliated with Desperately Seeking Susan. Did you see that trash?
A: One of my favorite songs on the new tour is "Music." Now, music brings the
bourgeois and the rebel. Where does it bring them? Will we ever know?
M: I think music brings them to New Jersey.
A: Wow, I thought so. On the new album and on the tour you perform a song
called "What It Feels Like For A Girl"…
M: I don’t recall that one. Can you sing it?
A: Hmmmm, Laa Di daa daa doo la dee. What it feels like for a girl…la di daa dooo deee duum.
M: Oh, that one. I have so many songs, sometimes I forget them. Yeah, on the tour I sing that one in Spanish.
A: Why is that?
M: It didn’t sound right being sung in Latvian.
A: Ok, now here’s my final question. Where do you picture yourself in 10
years?
M: Wow, great question. I’m not sure. I’ll tell you what I’d like to
accomplish…I would love to do a duet with Shlomo Carlebach, a god in my book…
A: Uhhh….he’s dead. He passed away.
M: What?!?!?! No one told me! Someone is getting fired here. You (Madonna
spots a random tour roadie), what do you do?
Roadie: I set up the sound system.
M: Why didn’t someone tell me Shlomo died?
R: Who?
M: You are so fired. When someone dies, you tell me. WHEN ANYONE DIES!!! OK? Got it? Now, go prepare my Evian bath. OK…sorry, where were we?
A: You in ten years…what else?
M: I would love to have my own half hour sitcom about the life of a pop music icon.
A: Another acting stretch for you?
M: Yeah, it should be a real challenge. Right now the tentative name for it is "Madqonna". The "q" is silent, though.
And I would love to release more music being written by other people and obviously, continue to take credit for it. And hopefully, when I get too old for this, I will run for president of the USA.
A: Well, I would vote for you.
M: Of course, you would. Every Jewish boy wants a blonde shiksah dominating him.
A: Madonna, thank you so much for your time. This was an honor and a pleasure. You really are as amazing as you seem. Maybe even more so.
M: Arye, you are a true gentleman. If this Guy Ritchie thing doesn’t work out, you should call me. You Jews are actually nice people. I don’t know what I was despising all along. So what if you killed Jesus. We can move on. Do you have a bagel on you, by the way?
Arye Dworken’s first Madonna album was True Blue. His favorite Madonna song is "Oh, Father" and his favorite Madonna movie is…well, he has none.