Not-so Glamorous in Glamour

Nevertheless, I was thoroughly disappointed. You see, unfortunately, the aforementioned lucky ladies were not featured in a "fun, fearless, female" type of capacity. Rather, they cropped up (and I mean that literally) on the Do's and Don't page in the back of the magazine.

For those unfamiliar with the layout of today's women's fashion publication, the Do's and Don't page is a section primarily devoted to the fashion faux-pais of today's fashionista. It's literally NO MERCY time as the editors take immense joy in "Black-barring" the celebrity, and Jane Doe, of choice. Now let's get serious for a second. Those black bars across the eyes don't conceal anything. Personally, I can pretty much always decipher whom the celebrity Dujoir is. And let's be honest – how many American's really look at Pamela Anderson's eyes? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to black bar her, um..chest?. But I digress..

One might wonder how I knew that the said-ladies were in fact frum girls. Besides the obvious attire answer – an oversized, tar-sweeping denim skirt paired with a shapeless red long sleeve shirt in 90 degree New York City weather screams Stern girl to me – I have a confession. One of the Clueless women in the photo is a close relative of mine. Close to be defined as follows: close enough for my sister to run out and buy a copy off of the newsstand, not close enough for my Mother to call Glamour and purchase all of the copies in Gotham City.

Ladies – hear my pleas – this should never happen again. I say discard your frumpy – input skirt staple of your generation here – for me, it was the Biz – skirt and oversized Lands End long-sleeve shirts and embrace Fall's fashionware. Let's be honest ladies – the knee-length form flattering denim skirt and the colorful Old Navy rugby sure looks good. Don't deny that you've been humming along to the Brandy Bunch inspired Old Navy commercials (in red, and white and blue!). I believe we all can say that Morgan Fairchild is one Tzanuah Shiksa!

My sista's – say goodbye to Brenda's and say hello to Donna – Karen that is – for her Fall line is simply divine. It is a veritable designer buffet out there and I urge you to embrace you man of choice. Become acquainted with Calvin, Giorgio, Salvatore, Ralph, Todd, and my personal favorite, Tristan (& America) and leave Boro Park shopping for Lulavim and Esrogim only!

Follow these 5 simple rules and who knows, that guy you've been eyeing at OZ might make a bee-line for you at Supersol and next thing you know – you're discussing that platinum, 2.5 emerald-cut diamond with trillions on the side-ring that you've been dreaming of since your Bais Yacov days.

· Men love leather (i.e., tefillin) but be careful with the amount. You CAN over accessorize and your goal is to be tasteful – not Frederick's of Hollywood. So wear those knee length Nine West black boots with your knee-covering skirt of choice.

· When looking for Shabbat attire advice, listen to Cake – not the food – the band. Men "want a girl with a short skirt and a long…… jacket."

· Unless you're wearing it like Britney, leave your old high school uniform at home. Pair that plaid skirt with a longer-than the hem J. Crew black cable-knit sweater instead. (Ladies who are blessed with an ample backside – these sweaters should be avoided like the plague. You might think they look good but THEY DON'T! Pair your plaid skirts with a tuxedo shirt instead.

And if all else fails – do what I do – wear pants. See ya next month in Maxim 🙂