|
The Daily Bang Archives:
Before the West Side
was won
momoney
Questions New
Yorkers can Never Answer
travis from Queens
TV: Bad for Israel?
arye dworken
Date to keep in Shape
benji
joffee
Film: Conjuring Before G-d
Jon
Duker
YU Chooses New Pres
Eli
Clark
Jewish Deep Thoughts
Ari
Greenberg
Inside Dougies
Evan K.
Observant Observations of
OZ
simmy kustanowitz
Jew Years
Resolutions
jenn goldi
Hollywood L'atid
Lavoh
Jordan Hiller
Meeting the Parents
Scorecard
Gary Strong and Avi Korn
Jewish Featured
Headlines
arye dworken
Canceling Simchat
Torah?
Leah Granoff
The UWS "Al Chaits" Isaac
Galena
Choose you own Dating
Adventure Ahava Leibtag
Entertainment
Rebbis
Isaac Galena
The Dating
Dictionary
Ahava Leibtag
Single Gal Wedding
Guide
Jessica R./Jessica M.
New York Vs. Out of
Town
Chuck Cohen
WWF star Chyna,
Frum?
Arye Dworken
Dividing things Jewish and
Goyish
Isaac Galena
The Jewish
80's
Noach Bernstien
Datin, the Cheap Way
Avi
Korn
J-escort service
Eli
Goldmann
"It" Girl
Miriam
Abramowitz
Foot-IN-Mouth
Epidemic
Avi Korn
Jaded
by Zemiroth
Lon Smolensky
Purim Special
Report
Judah Levine
Press Your Luck
Danny
Fax
Upper West Side Story
Arye Dworken
Guta Neshama Hunting
Arye
Dworken
Casting Calls to Conference
Calls
Isaac Galena
|
|
The Kosher for Passover Daily Bang presents:
J-Escorts: We give you Chani or Ephraim...
You have a date to that Le'chaim!!!
a special report from dating correspondent, Justin
Timberlake (a.k.a. Ms. Eli Goldman)
It's J-Escorts:
After taking two subways and a long fragrant ride on the 'Chus-Bus' toMonsey,
you are dreading going to this Le'chaim (your 3rd this week).Walking into
the shul gym, disguised only by fake flowers and a cheesy
keyboardist in a tux, all your fears have been realized. Everyone at this
so called "simcha" is either married, engaged or seriously dating.
Like those commercials for Paxil, you feel the piercing stares of Mrs.
Rosenstein, Rabbi Kotter, and Mr. Shoenberg (names may vary slightly).
They stare at you in pity from the desert table across the room. Mentions
of "Mazel Tov" and "Im Yirtzah Hashem By You" fill
the air... Faige
Hershenfeld has only been on one date with Shimmy, but he's there as well.
They are going ring shopping afterwards. Figures. As Surah's newborn spits
up all over your Prada bag, you think to yourself, there must be a solution.....and
as you leave you promise yourself that you will never walk into a Vort
alone again!!!
Finally an answer... J-Escorts!
We provide you with quality Frum* individuals, servicing all your social
appearances
* Parents pressuring you about getting married?.... Shmulie will accompany
you home for Shabbos Nachamu!
* Don't feel like being the only single person at your table?...... Chani
will go to that wedding in Staten Island with you!
* Feel like going to Cheetah with a date, and not with a pack of 30 desperate
girls?...... Daniel goes to parties....hey, he even dances like a sephardic!
(flamboyant shirt and shoes sold seperately)
* Your ex-fiancée invited you for Friday night meal? .........Malkie
makes a knockout butternut squash!
If you are thinking to yourself, 'This is just not shaich for me', well
think again.
J Escorts does not discriminate. Our escorts are hand-picked and come
in an assorted variety of degrees of Frum-nes hashkafahs, and flavors.
Here is just partial list of the types of escorts we offer:
* Black Hat......Shomer Negiah......Learns (NCSY Kollel on resume)
* Black Hat..... Fools Around......Machmir on Gebruktz
* Shabbos Black Hat.......Sees Movies........4 years in Hatzalah (Walkie
Talkie Included!)
* Srugi Kippah......Knows Tanach By Heart......Doesn't believe in G-d
* Wears skirts......Davens 45 minute Shmoneh-Esray......(HASC Sweatshirt
is optional)
* Carlebach Girl or Guy.....Long Hair, Dirty Feet and acousitc guitar
included!
* Wears skirts....Davens......Goes to R rated Movies......YUSSR 2 year
in a row!
* Wears pants.....Goes to Clubs.....Doesn't Believe in Shabbos......But
Knows Gematria!!!
.....and much much more!!!!!
Never feel like a leper again!! Call J Escorts at 1-800-J-Escorts today.
You'll never forget it.
Fine print:
*frum is a subjective term. Escorts may not be technically jewish through
all "halacha" standards. Escorts may not be objectively good
looking either. J-Escort Inc is not liable for anything escorts do (get
drunk at a livaya) or say (talks about Off Track Betting with your Rabbi's
Wife). This service is for entertainment purposes only. We accept Cash
Only....ShopRite or Peylim dollars are also acceptable. No Shirt, No shoes,
No service. NY, NJ, PA, CT residents do not need ID to order our
escorts. No refunds. All rights reserved. J escort is a not-for-profit
institute. (Check out our newest tara card reading hotline as well!)
send comments about this article to correspondent, Ms. Eli Goldman
Bang Home
|
