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The Kosher Daily Bang presents:

Dividing things into....
"Jewish" and "Goyish."

by senior correspondent Isaac Galena (jewish)

There just are some things in life that are intrinsically Jewish, while other things by nature are Goyish.

Originally based on Lenny Bruce's famous routine of the "Jewish" "Goyish" breakdown, and the hysterical David Kamp GQ article in 1999, here is the "Jewish" updated version of dividing things into "Jewish" and "Goyish"

Dig'

I am Jewish, Harrison Ford is Jewish, The Iron Chef is Jewish.
Kid Rock is Goyish. Kathie Lee is Goyish.
Billy Joel is as Jewish as it gets, Elton John is Goyish.
While Coke is Jewish, Pepsi veers more Goyish..but has Jewish Commercials.
Dick Cheney is definitely Jewish, President Bush is severely Goyish
Hulk Hogan has always been Jewish, as Rick Flair has always been goyish
Yahoo! is so Jewish, as opposed to Excite and Ask Jeeves which are Goyish
Britney is most definitely Jewish, while Christina is as Goy as they come.

PCs are Jewish, Macs are Goyish
Pot is one of the most Jewish things around. Yet Bongs are so goyish.
Spell-Check is Jewish. But using the Thesaurus is goyish.
Evan Jewish, Jaron Goyish.
Good ole Kosher Delight is absolut Jewish, but the new Kosher Deluxe is Goyish
Snapple is Jewish, as Arizona is Goyish.
Batman is a Jewish superhero. Robin is Goyish.
Penn is a freaking Goy, while Teller is a silent Masmid.
MTV was Jewish and VH1 Goyish, but with 'Behind the Music' -VH1 has fully converted.
Both Mario and Luigi were Jewish, along with Zelda, although the princess they rescued was goyish.
The entire idea of 'Designing Women' was goyish. 'Golden Girls' screamed Jewish.
George Castanza was Jewish, Seinfeld was Goyish.
Bruce Willis is a Jew. Robert De Niro is a Jew. Robbin Williams is a rebbi. However, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise are goyim.
Chandler is Jewish, the rest of the 'Friends' cast is Goyish.
Felicity is only Jewish because the show is filmed in New York.
Dawson is Jewish, Pacey is Goyish..Joey Potter went to Ramaz.
Kurt Loder is Jewish and Carson Daily is Goyish
'Survivor' is ultra Jewish, 'Boot Camp' is antisemtic Goyish
Polyesters' is Goyish, Culture Club is Jewish.

The 'Parlour' is Jewish and recently mikaraved 'Fez' to the Jewish realm as well

The Upper West Side is Jewish, Upper East Side is tre' Goyish.
The West Side of Columbus Avenue is Jewish, the east side of the street is Goyish
Mezonot is Jewish, Kosher Marketplace is Goyish
Inasense was Jewish, and now SoulFarm just sounds Goyish.
HBO is Jewish. Cinemax is goyish.
'Chicago Hope' can only hope to be as frum as 'ER' is
Jon Stewart defines Jewishness, Drew Carrey reeks of Goy
Jo, Tootie, and Natalie were all under the kosher supervision of Mrs. Garrett. Blair Warner was a model shikse.
2,3,1,9,B,C trains are Jewish, the 4,5,6, 7 are Goyish.
The Great Lawn in Central Park is Jewish, Sheepshead Meadow is Goyish.
Midwesterners are goyish, but Out-of-towners are Jewish.
Roller Blades have become Jewish, but the Extensive Protective Equiptment is Goyish.
All fruit added to a vegetable salad is considered Goyish, except for Craisins, which are Jewish.
Mayonaise on anything is Goyish.
Artscroll is Jewish, Birnbaum is Goyish
'Sex in the City' is a Jewish girl's dream. 'The Soprano's' is a Jewish girl's reality.
Letterman and Conan push to be more Jewish, Leno and Killborn are goyish at the core.

E-greetings and palm pilots are goyish forms of communication. Instant Messenger is the Jewish way to schmooze.
Oprah is Jewish, Ricky Lake is Goy.com
The Britta filter is Jewish, Pur is Goyish water.
Bell Atlantic was Jewish, Verizon is Goyish.
Banking is Jewish, Consulting is Goyish
'Spinning' is goyish. However 'DJ'ing is jewish.
The GAP has been Jewish for years, but is going off the derech
H&M is Jewish, but all Capri Pants sold there are Goyish
Jewish Center at night is Jewish, but Goyish by day.
Ramath Orath is Jewish, KOE is Goyish.
Dunkin Donuts was Jewish, Donut Connection is Goyish.
Guliani is Jewish, although his actions are making him a bit goyish
The Wall Street Journal is Jewish, The Financial Times is Goyish.
Transformers was Jewish, Gobots were goyish.
ESPN is Jewish, ESPN2 is goyish.
'Law&Order' is the absolute Jewish Halacha LeMasah
Barnes & Nobles is Jewish, B. Daulton is goyish.
Macys is Jewish, Nordstrom's goyish.
Broadway is Jewish until it hits Union Square.
Arnold Drummond was Jewish as opposed to that redhead Sam who was goyish.
Braveheart was a Jewish movie, although Mel Gibson is usually pretty goyish.
Home Improvements was very goyish except for their wise rabbinical neighbor.
Oatmeal is Jewish. Wheetena goyish.
College Football is goyish, college basketball is Jewish. All sports drafts are Jewish.
Golf is a sport that wants to be Jewish so badly.
Hieneken is goyish. Corona is goyish only with a lemon.
Rap music is Jewish. Metal is goyish. Cover bands are always Jewish.
Metallica was Jewish until the whole Napster fallout
.com is Jewish, .net is goyish.
All Soap Operas are goyish except for Days of Our lives which is Jewish
Seventeen magazine is goyish, YM is ultra Jewish.

Bangitout.com soo soo Jewish, Onlysimchas.com seems to be a wee bit Goyish.

send comments about this article to senior correspondent, Isaac Galena.

Bang Home

Readers Comments:

From Mend100:
Mean IQ of 100- goyish.  mean IQ of 116-jewish
Shotgun wedding- goyish.  Abortion- jewish, and how!!

From: David Jacob:
Pac Man is Goyish but Ms. Pac Man is a Bais Yaakov graduate
Commodore 64 was Jewish but then Commodore went off the derech with Amiga
Nokia is Jewish, Motorola is from Flatbush, all other cellphones are Goyish
JNF is Jewish while UJA is Goyish
Star-K is Jewish but OU is Goyish
German Shepherds are Goyish. The Taco Bell Chihuahua is definitely Goyish but has a Jewish great grandfather.
Yahoo is Jewish. MSN is goyish.
Atlantic City is Jewish. Las Vegas is Goyish.
Katamon is Jewish while Emek Refaim is Goyish.
Mountains are Jewish. Prarie is Goyish.
Seltzer is Jewish. Gatorade is Goyish.
Scientific American is Jewish. Popular Science is Goyish.
Puffs is Jewish, Puffs Plus is charedi, Kleenex is deep southern WASP.
around 1980: Mimeograph Machines were Jewish, Xerox was super Goyish though by now Xerox has become Jewish.
Route 17 is Jewish. "Future Interstate 86" is Goyish.
Weddings are Jewish. Bar Mitzvahs are Goyish.
In the 80's, station wagons were jewish. Now, minivans are Jewish. Corvettes are super goyish. Lincoln Continentals are Jewish if driven by someone over the age of 65.
Elevators are Jewish while Escalators are Goyish.
Coney Island is Jewish. Jones Beach is Goyish.
"Smallville" is Jewish. "Roswell" is redneck Goyish.
Miniature golf is Jewish but regular golf is Goyish.
Skee ball is Jewish, Bowling is Goyish except as a Saturday night camp trip in the 80's.
Great Adventure is Goyish. Dorney Park is Jewish.
Desktops are Jewish, Laptops are Goyish. Palm OS is Jewish, Pocket PC is very Goyish.

from: Shira B.: i know it's been a while but for your jewish goyish thing:
Sarah Michelle Geller - goyish, Freddy Prince JR. - jewish.
and Rachel from friends? - sooo jap.
harry potter - goyish. Series of unfortunate events - jewish
thanx. Shira B.

from: Clément Labi: Hilarious...
For French jews such as myself :
-Michael Jackson and Prince were Jewish, while Madonna is goyish ( despite her last video )
- NY is totally jewish, the rest of the world is goyish
- Chandler is far more jewish than Ross & Monica
- Bill Clinton was a pure jew. Al Gore a pure goy
- Franz Kafka is a talmid brou'her. Marcel Proust was a shiksa.

from: Leah B.: Dear Mr. Galena,
Here are a few more items that we can characterize as Jewish and Goyish:
Waldbaum's is definitely frum from birth but Gristedes is as WASPY as they come.
Archie Bunker is a true blue goy and the Meathead (from All in the Family) is soooo Jewish
The parlor room is WASPY and the family room is reform Jewish but the dining room is Orthodox Jewish
Chicken cutlets is Jewish and schnitzel is Goyish
Ivory soap is Jewish but Dove is Goyish (as are antibacterial soaps)
We all know that white bread is goyish and rye is certainly Jewish but adding mayonnaise to either makes them both goyish
Margarine is Jewish but butter is goyish
Manishevitz and Carmel wines are Jewish but Barbanel wine is goyish (as well as the other new Yuppie kosher wines that are out now)
Entenmann's cakes are Jewish (especially coffee cake) and Hostess cakes are goyish (even if they do have a heksher)

Sincerely,
Leah B.

from: RobinIlean@aol.com: Jerry Rivers,jewish
geraldo rivera, not

from: Tammi Weinstein : your jewish list is hilarious but trust me Metallica...not Jewish. The lead has swastikas on his music cases. I know this first hand. What this means I dont know but...not Jewish

from: Jennifer M.:
Girl's dresses in JC Penney's - goyish. Same dress at Rachel's of 13th Ave. - Jewish
Wedding Schtick - jewish, bride feeding groom cake -goyish
Loehmann's - Jewish, Pay/Half - Goyish
Main St. KGH - Jewish, any other Main St. - goyish
Kmart - Goyish, Target (pronounced Tar-Jaay) - Jewish
Didoh Bei - Jewish, Hava Nagila - Goyish
Nachum Segal - Jewish, Cousin Brucie - goyish
Yossi Piamenta - jewish, Jimi Hendrix - goyish

from: Robin:
jerry rivers jewish
geraldo rivera not?

from: John goldberg:
Ariel Sharon is goyish, Shimon Peres is Jewish?

From Joan ,:
I loved the commentary. However Dick Cheney....Jewish-NAH-
I'm presenting an on-the-cusp-problem...Kate Capshaw?

From AJ,:
You know what's sad, Isaac? You're goyish.

From Gila Hirth,:
Here's one I think belongs on the list: Pottery Barn - Jewish, Home Depot - Goyish (although the chain was started by a jew I think)

From Moe Sherizan, Detroit, Michigan:
first of all the site kicks, and... ` goyim kick ass ,and jews kick tuchas

`jews pish ,goyim piss(my dad told me that when i was a boy, i mean little boy i am not a woman i am still a guy)

`goyim screw ,jews shtupe
`jews think cholent is the best thing on earth, if goyim knew what it was they'd think it was dog SH**

From Yehuda Avrunin, Muncey, NY:
I think you are a bit confused on your Nintendo reference. Zelda was the name of the princess, not the main character. She was definitely a shiksa. Link was the name of the protagonist who fought against Gannon. Link was most definitely a Jew as Gannon was most definitely a goy.

From David Alhadeff, Seattle:
dividing things Jewish vs. Goyish........
Mets.....Jewish, cause they represent queens and should represent brooklyn cause nobody from Brooklyn should be allowed to root for the yankees.
Yankees...Goyish, cause unless you live in the bronx, your parents were Dodger or Giant fans therefore you know nothing about baseball if you're Jewish and a yankee fan.. If you think Im wrong, then let me ask you what you thought of Roger Clemens 5 years ago, or better yet, what team did you root for in '86?................. Thats what I thought, Fairweather fans.
GO Mariners, and Phillies for Seth and Issac

From David Kessler, Baltimore, MD and Steve Katchen,Philadelphia, PA:
Italian Ice Stands (or hot pretzel stands)- Jewish, the Taco Truck across from Gristedes definitely Goyish. I think it might qualify for the most goyish thing on the UWS.
VCRs are goyish, DVD players are jewish
Santa Claus is Jewish, while the Easter Bunny is so Goyish.
Maxim Magazine is Jewish, Details is Goyish
MBD is the King of Jewish Music,while (craig taubman, safam, debbie friendman) are so Goyish!

From Jessica Russak, Seattle, WA:
It has come to be that sushi is Jewish (but only with so-called fake crab meat),
but Kosher hot dogs are goyish.

At chelsea piers, disco bowling is as Jewish as it comes, but horse-back riding...way too goyish.

New Stern developments from the non-Stern girl...
Brookdale is Jewish,
Schottenstein is recently converted,
but Windsor Court...a goyish blessing.

On the ladies: Black skirt and tights....soooooo Jewish.
Slut gear....still soooooooo Jewish.
All black (with occasional gray).....again sooooo Jewish,but only if she's wearing Steve Madden shoes.
The little red dress...make sure you're dating a Jew, cause that's as goyish as it comes.
On the guys: Blue shirt and khakis...he's definitely Jewish.
All black...he thinks he's goyish.
Color...goyish or Out-of-towner.
Jessica

From Ilan Rubinstein, Toronto, Canada:
new balance is jewish, reebok is goyish, so is puma, but nike is rebbeshe.
the times is jewish the post is goyish.
karl marx is jewish, dr. freud is goyish.
fluorescent lighting is jewish and serves as an or-lagoyim,
halogen is scandalously goyish.

burger king is kosher,
McDonalds is traif.
taco bell is chazer traif,
baskin robbins is cholov yisroel.

talmud bavli is a jew,
talmud yerushalmi is a righteous gentile,
the rambam is pasnicht.

the dali lama is jewish, joseph stalin is goyish.
roller coasters are jewish, haunted houses are goyish.
paper plates is lubavitch, china dishes is catholic.

lakewood is jewish, lakers are goyish.

homosexuals are jewish, but lesbians are definitely goyish.

times new roman font is ultra-orthodox,
ariel is borderline reform.
garamond is jews for jesus.
caps lock is white supremacist

bill gates is jewish, michael dell is goyish.
american airlines is givaldik, delta is, well, lo aleinu. air canada has good kavana but still has to work on its midos.
goldman sachs and lehman bros. are jewish. csfb, morgan stanley, and jpmc are all goyish.
indie rock is jewish. new-age beat-trance is thoroughly goyish.
tylenol is farfrumpt, advil is waspy.
red lights are jewish, green lights are goyish
monopoly is jewish, the game of LIFE is goyish - risk is a safek.
major legue baseball is yidishe, formula one racing is goyishe.

the beatles are jewish,
the stones are goyish,
pink floyd are a bunch of kabalists.

star tac is jewish, nokia goyish.
a doorman is frum, a superintendant is a sheigitz.
apples are goyish- especially if they are peeled, oranges are jewish especially if its jews (that's juice).
cadilacs are jewish, corvettes are goyish.
paper-clips are jewish, staples are very goyish.

coffee is jewish, tea is goyish - but pro-israel.
ilan

From Lon Smolensky, Houston, TX:
Joey Potter is Jewish; Katie Holmes is Goyish
Meadow Soprano is very Jewish (shes got the Jewish "Barnard" look)
The Soprano Family is so Jewish, but Italian Mafia and every one else on the show is Goyish, except for "Ba Da Bing", which is obviously a Jewish establishment.

From Batsheva Halberstam, New York, NY:
You forgot the most obvious one: ISAAC is Jewish while SETH is goyish!

From Liz Randolph , New York, NY:
It is funny, but some i disagree with.
nordstroms is not goyish.
macy's is not jewish.
macy's is diverse
bloomies is jewish
barney's is jewish
filene's is goyish
but it all depends on where you come from

capris are totally jewish - as are sweater sets (though once the province of goyish older ladies only)
steve madden black slide flipflop semi-platform sandals are jewish
three inch heeled, toe-separator sandals are goyish

gay is jewish (d.r. added)
fag hags are goyish

chicken is jewish
chicken salad is goyish

bagels and lox are jewish
cucumber sandwiches are goyish

rather.... crust is jewish
cutting off crusts is goyish

speed walking is jewish
actual exercise is goyish

Mac cosmetics are jewish
Stila cosmetics are goyish
Liz Randolph

From David Rappaport, New York, NY:
I disagree with some your characterisiticsa:
Heavy metal is most definitely Jewish as well as rap. (how do you explain all the lubavitcher's who love Napalm Death?)
So Rap is Jewish, Metal is Jewish, however Rap metal is Goyish.
Here are some others
oh hashem...also
yankees, mets, rangers ,islanders are jewish
jets, giants and knicks are not

mta is jewish,
frisch is not

JSS is jewish,
IBC is not

The Gemara is jewish,
The five books of moses are not

More to come...
David Rappaport

from Dan Renna, Bratislava, Slovakia:
Besides the fact that I thought your article/list extremely Newyorkian (or as we Jews who like to visit NY but have already lived there like to call it, the Delta (Monsey-Lakewood-West Hempstead)), I found it most entertaining and a welcome break from my issuing of passports to wayward Americans (Jews and Goyim alike) and denying visas en masse to aliens who think for some reason they should have the ability to visit the US to get all the Delta jokes. So from here at the Consular Section in the American Embassy in Bratislava, Slovakia, I have to add a few more to your list: