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Isaac Galena |
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The Kosher Daily Bang presents:
New
York Vs. Out of Town
a special report from OutofTown correspondent, Chuck
Cohen
 NEW reader comments
In the tradition of Jewish Vs. Goyish, presented below is the continuing saga of conceptual breakdown- with the close to home, and severely obvious New York Vs. OutofTown differences. This epic clash, much like The Dark Side V. Force, Good V. Evil, Ernie V. Bert, Abayai V. Rava, Rocky V. Apollo, Coke V. Pepsi, Roe V. Wade, and OZ V. JC conflict, has, throughout the ages, separated nice kids and kids who attended Camp Morasha. Enjoy!
Anything friendly is OutofTown.
Anything cultured is New York.
The word "Posh" can only be used in New York
The word "Taters" is in a different time zone
Gay is Outoftown,
Lesbian-Bitch is New York
Crickets are OutofTown
Sirens are New York
Nice People……OutofTown, Nice Apartment, New York.
Hardworking self-made Man…..Out of Town,
Hadworking self-made Parent….New
York.
A "Studio" OutofTown is where art and movies are made
A "Studio" in New York is a overpriced tiny closet apartment
Plastic Tortoise-framed Glasses are pure New York
Any Black shred of clothing is New York, even if its on some hick in Mississippi.
Overalls are OutofTown
Starter Jackets are OutofTown
Horror movies are OutofTown
Sopranos is New York, even if it's really in Jersey
Sex in the City is obviously considered Genius in New York, and Sin OutofTown
G-string Divas may take place in New York sometimes (I mean...how would
I know that?), but is really an OutofTown substitute for real porn, which
also happens to be an OutofTown creation, as much as the old Times Square
would like credit for it.
No matter how many times the Yankees win the World Series, Baseball will
always be from Iowa.
The Knicks, Rangers, Yankees are the only New York Teams
John Starks was New York. Pat Riley is New York. Spike Lee is a 212 area
code.
Black Leather jackets- New York
Brown Leather jackets- OutofTown
Tatoos are OutofTown
Peircings are New York
Rabbis….OutofTown. Rebbes…..New York.
Marlboro Lights are New York,
Marlboro Reds are OutofTown.
Cigars spent their youth way, way OutofTown. Now, they use the Big Apple
as an ashtray, which, as every OutofTowner knows, is appropriate.
Pipes are safely OutofTown.
Bottles are New York, Kegs are OutofTown
Dougies- wants to be OutofTown (specifically Ken's Diner) more than most
OutofTowners.
Le Marais- could only exist in New York.
Girls who can name specific shoe styles, down to serial number and sale
price are New York to the core. Girls who wear "black shoes, with
things on them"- so OutofTown as to be invisible to the New York
eye (although these girls could actually be guys who like the Backstreet
Boys) All comfortable shoes are OutofTown
Limp Bizkit- is New York, specifically in the MTA front hall, just outside
the beis midrash.
Bob Dylan is OutofTown, even though New Yorkers would love to call him
their own, because of the whole pilgrimmage to Tin Pan Alley.
Lou Reed, however, is positively West4th street.
Denis Leary- New Yorker, regardless of his love for Boston.
Andy Dick- OutofTowner in the true spirit of OutofTown madness.
All fat comedians- John Candy, Chris Farley, John Belushi, Sam Kinnison-
have absoluetly no connection to New York, even when they were on Saturday
Night Live.
Little cynical bastards, or silly whackos- David Spade, Adam Sandler,
Jon Stewart, Woody Allen, Andy Kaufman, Lenny Bruce, Chris Rock- live
together in a studio apartment in the Village.
Foot fetishists can only be from New York.
Those obsessed with produce, even if they may live, temporarily, on the
Upper West Side, will never be New York.
Pigtails OutofTown. Corn Rows New York.
Yiddish is NewYork, Hebrew is OutofTown.
Floor Hockey was made up by a bunch of bored New York Yeshiva kids who
were too short to play basketball.
The Jewish Week is OutofTown. The Forward is New York.
All of New York, even the non-frum, are Orthodox. All of OutofTown, even
the chassidim, are Conservative.
All bodies of water are OutofTown, all bridges are New York.
Wearing a Polo, pair of khakis, hightop nikes, and a sports team sweateshirt
(inset local team here) is the official clothing of the OutofTowner. Black
is the only requirement in New York.
Gel NewYork, Mousse OutofTown.
Cable is OutofTown. BlackBox is New York.
Soccer Mom….OutofTown. Hot Mom…. New York.
Knit Yamakas, OutofTown. Black Velvet, New York.
Eminem, Busta Rhymes, Iggy Pop, David Bowie, whoever hung out with Andy
Warhol and, of course, the Beastie Boys are all New Yorkers.
Run DMC, Nirvana, Weezer, Dr. Dre., Elvis, and Michael Stipe couldn't
care less about "opposite side of the street parking."
New Yorkers want Barry White to be in their corner, but they get Isaac
Hayes.
South Park is on Broadway and 45th, because The Simpsons dominates the
rest of the world.
Fred Flintstone lived on Manhattan 4 million years ago, while Homer Simpson
lives anywhere in the US, outside the tri-state area.
Chicago, though residents will ostracize me for saying so, hates New
York so much because it hasn't come to grips with the fact that it may
as well be another borough.
Silver Spring, Maryland- a city whose existence in the same time zone
as New York proves that G-d likes balance.
The frozen yogurt stand in the middle of Ben Yehudah street- an extension
of the Upper West Side.
The Rock Bar is The West End transplanted a couple of thousand miles,
with a few more kippahs.
Melech Falafel in the bus station, along with the cholent factory in Meah
Shearim, (meccas of yeshiva boys around the world) negate any New York
presence in the Holy land (what New Yorker would pay so little for a meal?)
However note, Meah sharim is OutofTown during the week, and New York on
Fridays.
For the literary set:
J.D. Salinger, even in his current incarnation as a recluse, may as well
be hanging out in Central Park with F. Scott Fitzgerald and Kurt Vonnegut,
trying to find the duck pond.
Hemingway and Faulkner get to play everywhere else, because no city could
hold either of them, much less together.
David Foster Wallace can't fit any of his books onto the subway, even
though he'd give his pinky finger to write about the nutjobs at Grand
Central station.
No guitar gods exist anywhere near a subway stop.
The famous New York attention span only allows the Ramones and TRL to
claim the big Apple as their home. The peaceful coexistence of those opposing
forces is what makes most OutofTowners nauseous, even when standing still,
whether they know it or not (this really only applies to people who watch
TRL, which happens to have become an OutofTown ritual.)
Kafka and Radiohead, if all were right in the world, are in a basement
apartment somewhere near midtown, within the shadow of a Trump building.
Bono and Eddie Vedder, fortunately, drag their respective bands everywhere
the sun shines, which necessarily excludes New York.
- Corollary: big buildings that block out the sun, fresh air, and any
wind other than that generated by exhaust- grown on the streets of New
York and harvested out to other misguided cities. Strip malls- first appeared
outside Watertown Wisconsin, and have spread, infecting every town and
highway exit in the nation.
Chick flicks infect every corner of the world, but only the especially
insidious breed that stars Meg Ryan may be attributed to the Tri-State
Area.
Some may contend that Sleepless in Seattle is excluded, because of the
inherent geographic separation so necessary to that film's particular
charm. To those misguided women- because no guy has seen that movie, even
the ones that have sat through it, for one reason or another (you know
who you are)- I say that Tom Hanks could have lived in rural Connecticut,
or even southern Jersey, and still would have been able to claim that
he was too far from New York.
- Another corollary (this will be the last one, i swear): while the tri-state
area may be lumped in with any discussion of New York, there is an implied
apology to those poor souls who live in rural Connecticut- if there is
still such a place- and southern Jersey, because they live with the status
of New Yorkers without getting to exploit that reputation by being blunt,
and jingoistic. (only an OutofTowner, by the way, would use "jingoistic"
and not care whether he used it right or not. A New Yorker would use it
with the confidence that other New Yorkers don't know what it means, either.)
"Friends"- only in New York could 6 beautiful people live in
amazing apartments without working, and still complain about their dating
lives.
"Malcom in the Middle"- may as well be in another country for
someone watching it on Central Park West, Harlem, or SoHo.
Reality TV is Jewish New York, because everyone else in New York knows
there's places to go at night. Professional wrestling, the ultimate in
fiction, is for the benefit of people who actually have nothing to do
in their Outoftown town. But, for some reason, it's been commuting recently
to NY (my guess is for the guys who sit at home while the chicks they
would be dating are watching Reality TV.)
Chicks- New York
Birds- English
Ladies- OutofTown
Womyn- New York
Whores- OutofTown
Ho's- New York
Stern Girls- New York
Barnyard girls- New York
Fordham, and Hofstra- OutofTown
NYU- they've got OutofTown insanity, but they use too much artificial
coloring to be recognizable as OutofTown anymore.
sluts- a universal term for a universal presence
slut gear- only from Philly.
New York- Naot, any sandal made by an athletic shoe company, or Tevas.
New Yorkers may never slip into Birks, or flip flops, unless they're marked
up 500% because the word "Prada" is stitched on by a poor Indonesian
boy for 3 cents a week.
Capri pants, or hot pants - required attire for New York women in the
summer, as a gift from G-d for the obnoxious heat. Daisy Dukes are OutofTown.
Anything of " Stretch" material was bought in New York.
Actually comfortable shorts are sensible, and thus cannot be imported
from the real world into New York.
Concert t-shirts, if they're actually from the concert are OutofTown.
"vintage" T's, bought at absurd markups- New York chic.
Rochester is still in New York, but Albany may as well be in Idaho.
The best NewYorkers were are usually those who were once OutofTowners
Finally, the phrase OutofTown is one used by myopic New Yorkers, while
saying New Yorker to describe anyone in the tri-state area is an OutofTowner's
way of getting his or her revenge on those who are unlucky enough to live
in the same area as Manhattan.
please send all comments, questions, feedback to OutofTown correspondent.,
Chuck Cohen
Readers Comments:
From Danny Farkas, Toronto, Canada:
New York.....Jewish.
OutofTown....Goyish.
From Jessica Russak, Seattle, WA:
New Yorkers: "I'm eating BY her house."
Out of towners: "I'm eating AT her house."
New Yorkers: "So, Do you get a Minyan in Seattle?"
Out of towners: "What the...???"
New Yorkers: "Isn't it a short drive from LA to Alaska?"
Out of towners: "Wha?!!! (followed closely by Bangitout style banging of head into nearest wall out of frustration at NYers complete lack of knowledge about geography,
though they can tell you how long it takes to drive from Southern to Northern
Italy.)
Out of towners: "The sun rises in the east and sets in the west."
New Yorkers: "The sun rises over the upper east and sets on the upper west."
I received many complaints a few years ago for forming an Out of Towners
club back in my NCSY days, called "The Rest of the Country Club," including a
t-shirt with North America on it (yes, I included Canada), which excluded
the tri-state area. I believe the complaints were from NYers, and were along the
lines that they felt quite excluded. I'm going to leave it at that. :-
From Jodi Buckman, Park Ridge,IL. (extremely minimal assistance from Sunny Seigel with not funny lines):
New Yorkers learn at a young age how to use public transportation. Out of
towners are clueless about this in their cities.
Out of towners carry backpacks, wear gym shoes, drink pop, and wait "in line"
for tickets.
New Yorkers carry knapsacks, wear sneakers, drink soda and wait "on line" for
tickets.
New Yorkers are sarcastic mean. Out of towners are sarcastic nice.
Out of Towners buy everything on sale. New Yorkers never wait for them.
Out of towners know everything about every jew in their city, their family's
history, their basketball numbers, and anyone who ever went to Moshava, Wild
Rose.
New Yorkers know only the jews from their high school and specific New
York camp.
Out of towners kiss everyone they know on the cheek. New Yorkers hug.
Out of towners always travel. New Yorkers never leave.
New York camps have tennis courts. Out of town camps have "machanayim."
Out of towners dress down for the occasion. New Yorkers are overdressed.
Out of town girls eat meat. New York girls eat salads.
Out of towners shower with the same sex. New Yorkers shower with the opposite sex.
Out Of Towners have dated everyone in their cities including the siblings of those they dated. New Yorkers want to date Out of towners.
Out of Towners walk calmly and briskly. New Yorkers walk quickly and
impatiently.
New Yorkers are "rebellious" in high school." Out of towners are "rebellious"
after high school.
Out of towners laugh at their own jokes. New Yorkers laugh at other people.
New Yorkers are blunt. Out of towners are witty.
Out of towners set trends. New Yorkers claim to.
Out of towners offer to drive people anywhere in their cities. New Yorkers
are begged for rides. (ie: Out of towners never take cabs to the airport in
their cities. New Yorkers rely on them.)
Out of towner parents "eat out" at non-kosher dairy restaurants. New York
parents are afraid of who will see them.
Out of towners are happy just sitting around doing nothing. New Yorkers hate
boredom.
Out of towners give money to beggars. New Yorkers walk by. However, after
moving to New York, out of towners soon do the same.
New Yorkers go to Central Park for trees and grass. Out of towners go to
their backyards.
New Yorkers don't pronounce the "H" at the beginning of words. i.e.: "Umans"
and "Umor." Out of towners can't stand this.
New Yorkers would rather walk. Out of towners would rather drive.
New York guys wear only black kippot. Out of town guys wear crocheted kippot
from their ex-girlfriends in high school (with the girls initials on the
back).
Out of town girls have multiple ear piercings. New York girls have multiple
diamond earrings.
Out of towners save. New Yorkers spend.
Out of towners buy everything in bulk. New Yorkers never think that far in
advance.
New York guys wear cologne. Out of town guys use Right Guard instead.
Out of town girls wear platform shoes. New York girls wear loafers.
Last but not least, Out of Towners use New York for a couple of years, move and settle "out of town," and take a New Yorker with them.
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