The Daily Bang

a ficticous fable by arye dworken

"It's a story of a girl and a boy; both are modern orthodox. His name is Seth and her's is Faiyge "

Song 1: Stare All You Want (at OZ)
Seth walks into shul late and looks for his Basheirt. He looks up at the mechitzah.

Song 2: I'm Sensitive to Your Needs
Seth meets Faiyge outside in the crowd and asks her out. He pleas to her displaying his sensitivities and emotions as his strong points. Great opportunity for a dance number in which the whole street scene gets involved even the Chinese delivery men trying to get through

Song 3: You're Not My Look
Faiyge is flattered but responds that Seth is just not her look. Song ends with Seth once again pleading to look inside for what could be her look, not outside like a superficial bitch.

Song 4: People Are Always the Same at My Meal
Faiyge tells Seth that she'll think about it. He reevaluates his life and why he never meets new girls. The answer, of course, is that he always eats with the same people. Seth sings that maybe if he didn't wait until Friday to make meal plans , he would meet new people.

Song 5: (When I Grow Up) Do Ya' Wanna Be a Website?
At the meal, Seth is asked what he does for a living and he breaks into this song. After he finishes the song, there is a serious guitar solo and a drum solo. This will be the play's "Thriller" complete with dancing computers and trendy-looking Internet "dudes" doing interpretive dance acting out what a modem sounds like.

Song 6: The Kriat Shemah Song (What Can Avraham and Yitchak Really Do For Me?)
Seth turns to G-d to plea for Faiyge to see how good of a catch Seth is. He says HaMalach HaGoel and asks the Two BIg Daddies if they could put in a good word. Seth then lies down but realizes he has to go to the bathroom. And he goes.

Intermission

Song 7: Ooops, I Did It Again (I'm Late For Shacharis)
This song is the only unoriginal tune in the production. It is based on Britney Spears song of the same title. Seth wakes up late and gets dressed while simultaneously waking his room mates. He uses a great deal of hair gel and jets out the door.

Song 8: I Should Start Jogging Again
Short song in which Seth decides he should start running again. He notices this as he power walks to shul and loses his breath.

Song 9: There She Is (Girls Are Much Prettier Behind the Mechitzah)
Seth sits in the Jewish Center and serenades his woman while realizing that she is prettier than he remembered. But then again, it could be the mechitzah. The shul breaks out in dance when Seth sings around the time the Torah is taken out. In fact, the talesim come in handy as props as do the torah scrolls. The climax of this dance scene is when the Rabbi sits before
getting up to do his dance solo. Then gets up and puts Mikhal Barishnikov to shame.

Song 10: Let's Tap In (Let's Tap Out)
Seth pleads again after shul. Great opportunity for a Faiyge and Seth tap dance performance.

Song 11: Walk In the Park to See All the Jews Rollerblading on Shabbos
Faiyge walks with Seth in the park in which he impresses her so with his rollerblading ability that she has no choice but to consider Seth as a tonsil hockey partner..

Song 12: You're Not My Look (Reprise)
Faiyge finally realizes how special Seth is in the inside. She warmly accepts Seth offer to tap in, tap out.

Song 12: Finale
On Saturday Night, Seth and cast sing a closing song in Pizza Roma. Faiyge is crazy in love with Seth by now and they look into each others eyes.Absolute silence falls over the cast and Seth and Faiyge sing cappella of spending their life together. The play ends and the curtains closes.

Seth comes out by himself and sings Song 13: I'm An Upper West Side Guy
Seth sings about his fear of commitment and says good night to the crowd. We're left with a feeling of insecurity for their relationship. The crowd cheers and cries.

Upper West Side Story the Musical released on DVD comes with deleted scenes and an alternate ending:

Song 1: (What Time Is It) It's Bang Time
While Seth strikes out with Feige on Friday Night, his twin brother, Isaac, meets up with his old ex-girlfriend. After she insists that going to Daf Yomi and sleeping with slutty girls is not a contradiction, they break into song. (this means Isaac is no longer a virgin and can not be counted for a mezumin (another misguided Ba'al Teshuvah fact)).

Song 2: I Know Diamonds (And You're No Diamond)
Feigie sings about her diamond evaluating experience and how he's worthy of a "ring";. The Rockettes fully garbed in shiney faux-diamond outfitsdance all the while as this is an empowering female Chorus Line-like song. Seth asks the Rockettes out. They all say no in unision. The audience laughs.

Song 3: We're Not Perfect (In Fact, We Are Usually Mechalell Shabbos and
We Don't Really Keep Kosher)
This is the shows finest comedy routine - G-d knows why this was edited. Isaac and Seth sing of their shortcomings like the lack of Shabbos observance and the mixing of dairy and meat dishes. But despite all of this faults they are confidant that they are "hot". After all, they really do have an agent.

Song 4: I'm Sorry I'm Seeing Someone At The Moment (Alternate ending)
This is Feige's moment to shine as she fully realizes her acting ability and sings this song solo while Seth looks on, smoking a cigarette and crying. Fiegie after leading Seth on for 25 hours conveniently remembers she's "seeing" someone. It's obvious Feigie is a lying whore and the audience reaches out to Seth. This extremely moving scene ends with Seth walking
out to the audience as he begins to hug the crying women. He then whispers in their ears, "Know any hot chicks?", and they laugh.

Standing ovation

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