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| The Daily Bang Archives: Before the West Side
was Won Questions New
Yorkers can Never Answer TV: Bad for Israel? Date to keep in Shape Film: Conjuring Before G-d YU Chooses New Pres Jewish Deep Thoughts Inside Dougies Observant Observations of
OZ Jew Years
Resolutions Hollywood L'atid
Lavoh Meeting the Parents
Scorecard Jewish Featured
Headlines Canceling Simchat
Torah? The UWS "Al Chaits" Isaac Galena Choose you own Dating Adventure Ahava Leibtag Entertainment
Rebbis The Dating
Dictionary Single Gal Wedding
Guide New York Vs. Out of
Town WWF star Chyna,
Frum? Dividing things Jewish and
Goyish The Jewish
80's Datin, the Cheap Way J-escort service "It" Girl Foot-IN-Mouth
Epidemic Jaded
by Zemiroth Purim Special
Report Press Your Luck Upper West Side Story
Guta Neshama Hunting Casting Calls to Conference
Calls |
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the kosher daily bang presents:
Post Apocalyptic Theater: Hollywood L'atid Lavoh a special report from your favorite Movie Banger: Jordan Hiller The Moshiach will be here any day now. Beyond the typical “Just one Shabbos and we’ll all be free” propaganda, there are a number of sources and signs that have proven this fact to me beyond any doubt. The first is the fact John Edwards is getting good TV ratings. The Second is a very informative and well researched website called saddleyourass.net which convincingly explains that if we look at the Maharal on the last verse in Ovadiah we will understand, through creative thinking, that the meshiach comes exactly 519 years after, “the thunder claps and the lightning strikes." (see ‘Live’ Album) There was a well documented “thunder and lightning” storm 519 years ago next Wednesday. Also, someone in shul with a dandruff packed beard and a larger than average kippah told me that the meshiach must come exactly sixty days after the “towers fall” and the “birds strike”, umm he also gives out candy. Nonetheless, accordingly, we have already been redeemed! Just how you imagined it, right? That may have sounded like the introduction to an article by a non-believer, but that is not what I am about. I’m just bothered by the recent wave of predictions and calculations which inherently have no potential for positive results. All that can come about is disappointment and frustration when the presumed “day” arrives and we find ourselves still looking forward to another Sunday of watching New York’s football teams collapse (a lucrative prediction). Of course, we can always tell the despondent faithful that although this would have been the day, we simply were not worthy at this particular juncture - like a missed opportunity. But then why pick the day before-hand in the first place? Aren’t we supposed to feel and believe that at any moment of any day the penetrating sound of the shofar blast will shatter our windows and over the celestial loudspeaker will come resounding direction from above like a most divine fire drill? Well, I am not here
to talk theology. I talk film. Since we are surely living in the messianic
age and of course, I want to do my share of diving into the Yam Suf, I
thought I’d combine the two and start thinking about Hollywood in L’atid
L’avo. Hollywood will of course be incorporated in Beit Shemesh and run by the Marcus family. It is also important to note that all actors, actresses, directors, producers, and writers will be Jewish while all grips, stunt men, and non-speaking extras will be of other faiths. So basically that part of the film industry will not have changed. The most bankable actors will be Fyvush Finkel, Topol, Jackie Mason, and Sammy Davis Jr.. The most popular female performer in the world will be Cindy Margolis, but she will never receive any lines in her movies. She will only mumble while staring at her feet. The following is my way of trying to anticipate and prepare for the future while getting one foot in the door at the same time. Here are some suggestions and predictions for future productions (I hope you’re listening Rav Eli).
Esrog Fever (This will be the Titanic of its day) A farmer (Jackie
Mason) is the poorest man in town and his comely daughter (Cindy Margolis)
needs to be married as she has already turned 15 a month earlier. Sine
the farmer has no money, he can’t afford to sell his daughter for a proper
dowery. Play
the Funky Gragger A teenager (Jerry Sienfeld) can’t find his Purim costume (Mordechai) a day before Purim. The worst part is the key to his liquor cabinet is in the pocket of the costume. His friends (Jeremy Piven, Mel Brooks, and Adam Sandler) are too busy writing Haman’s name on the bottoms of their shoes and trying to meet the sweet local hamantashen baker (Mindy Cohn) to help. The teen panics and begins a madcap dash through the city to buy a costume and a crow bar. The situation is comically resolved when he realizes he has an extra day because he lives in a walled city and that he had burned the costume last year in his neighbor’s bathtub after getting preposterously wasted. The key is never found. Ben Younger directs this one as his first job since Boiler Room. He is credited as Bentzion Younger. Pass the Chrain A young woman (Bette
Midler) works in a trendy gefilte fish café after her marriage to a Nazir
(John Turturro, who people just assumed was Jewish) dissolves. Play the Funky Gragger II: Charvonah’s Revenge The teen from the first film (this time played by Jerry Orbach because Seinfeld now learns full time) is a young partner in a law firm specializing in injuries resulting from the tipping of red cows. He has forgotten all about dressing up on Purim and intends to go to work on Purim day by hearing an early megillah, giving tzedakah the week before that is to be doled out on Purim day; handing a cookie tied to a Hershey’s kiss to two coworkers (George Clooney and Russel Crowe); and eating the seudah alone in his office. A mysterious client named Charvonah (Jackie Mason in his final role as a Ba’al Habayis) insists that the lawyer come and hear early megillah reading by his shul. There, Charvonah, wearing a black and white thickly striped suit, sits silently during the reading but yells“It’s showtime!!” every time Haman’s name is uttered, convinced that he is dressed like Beetlejuice. After davening, Charvonah tries to get his guest drunk so that he won’t go to work. Charvonah also tries clapping in front of his face and singing fervently in order to convince the lawyer that the day should be spent clapping and singing fervently. Once the lawyer gets to work he is fired for no “apparent” reason. He walks the streets dejectedly and gets drunk on cheap wine. While sitting in the gutter he spots a key sparkling in the sunlight but can’t remember why that is important. Directing debut for Fishel Levinson, who is a great disappointment to his Rosh Yeshiva grandfather, Barry. Breakin’ Matzah
A time machine inventor
(Sammy Davis Jr.) who tap dances goes back in time to stop the diabolical
Matzah Baker (David Schwimmer) from leaving the matzos in the oven for
19 minutes. Unfortunately, he goes back too far and ends
up stuck in 1987 (flux capacitators are always gonna be tricky) where
he celebrates an old-fashioned Tisha B’av by fasting and watching Operation
Thunderbolt and The Delta Force back to back.The next day he enters and
wins a “Dancing with Myself” dance contest, and wins - all held after
chatzos. Meanwhile, everything in the present turns out all right after
the public realizes that the Matzah Baker only sells his matzos to Sepharadim
who are allowed to eat chametz on Pesach. The movie closes with a huge
pool party in Deal proving that some things will never change. Directed
by Corey “Yoss” Feldman. please send all comments, questions, feedback to Senior Rav Hirsh
correspondent, Jordan Hiller |
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He
prays to Hashem (voiced by Fyvush Finkel) and is rewarded with a bountiful
harvest of juicy esrogim. He sells the esrogim just in time for Succos
and uses the money to marry off his daughter to the biggest talmid chacham
in town (Sammy Davis Jr.) who also tap dances. The thrills in the movie
come when a local man (Tom Cruise) drops his esrog and the pittum does
not break (or does it?) and when the audience finds out with astonishment
that the farmer had never even planted esrog seeds. The film will be directed
by Brian De Palma who converted to Judaism for marriage a week before
the meshiach came. He later changed his name from Brian to Barry thinking
that Barry had the Jewish stagename flair to land him the job for the
newest Evan and Jaron Video.
The new chef (Howard Stern) sees her and asks a friend if he could find
a neutral party to contact a friend of hers and see if they could ask
her if she is “ready to date”. The love affair that ensues is explosively
tepid with bland, disinterested phone calls to the neutral party and lame
conversations about hashkafot and their year in Israel (even though they
both live in Israel now). Finally, in a moment of brutal honesty, the
chef admits that all he cares about is looks, and the young woman admits
that all she cares about is money. Since neither have what the other is
looking for they break up, but not before a moonlight staring contest
with Od Yeshama softly playing in the background. Steven Spielberg will
get an Oscar nomination for his work but will not show up to the ceremony
because The Academy had the audacity to hold the event on Pesach Sheni,
when they knew he needed to bring a make-up korban.
