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The Daily Bang Archives:

Before the West Side was Won
Momoney

Questions New Yorkers can Never Answer
travis from Queens

TV: Bad for Israel?
arye dworken

Date to keep in Shape
benji joffee

Film: Conjuring Before G-d
Jon Duker

YU Chooses New Pres
Eli Clark

Jewish Deep Thoughts
Ari Greenberg

Inside Dougies
Evan K.

Observant Observations of OZ
simmy kustanowitz

Jew Years Resolutions
jenn goldi

Hollywood L'atid Lavoh
Jordan Hiller

Meeting the Parents Scorecard
Gary Strong and Avi Korn

Jewish Featured Headlines
arye dworken

Canceling Simchat Torah?
Leah Granoff

The UWS "Al Chaits" Isaac Galena

Choose you own Dating Adventure Ahava Leibtag

Entertainment Rebbis
Isaac Galena

The Dating Dictionary
Ahava Leibtag

Single Gal Wedding Guide
Jessica R./Jessica M.

New York Vs. Out of Town
Chuck Cohen

WWF star Chyna, Frum?
Arye Dworken

Dividing things Jewish and Goyish
Isaac Galena

The Jewish 80's
Noach Bernstien

Datin, the Cheap Way
Avi Korn

J-escort service
Eli Goldmann

"It" Girl
Miriam Abramowitz

Foot-IN-Mouth Epidemic
Avi Korn

Jaded by Zemiroth
Lon Smolensky

Purim Special Report
Judah Levine

Press Your Luck
Danny Fax

Upper West Side Story
Arye Dworken

Guta Neshama Hunting
Arye Dworken

Casting Calls to Conference Calls
Isaac Galena

OBSERVANT OBSERVATIONS FROM AN OBSERVANT OBSERVER

a special insider report from 'synagogue-goers gone wild' producer Simmy Kustanowitz

NEW reader comments

As a 24-year-old Jewish male on the Upper West Side, there are many advantages to living on the corner of 96th and Broadway. The 1/2/3 trains and cross-town bus are but a stone’s throw away. There are four cleaners, three Starbucks and ten grocery stores on each block. And, perhaps most importantly, I am only five minutes away from what has become the Mecca and Medina of Friday night for Jews, the glorious and sardine-like-packed orthodox synagogue called “O.Z.”

Before I begin my tirade, let me start by saying that I love O.Z. It serves as a terrific place to daven, and if you have always fantasized about what it would feel like to walk down the red carpet at the Oscars, the post-shul-walk down the outside steps into the crowd of fellow Hebrews is for you. (Although at the Oscars, you generally don’t have random cars driving through the red carpet, yelling profanities at the celebrities. I guess no analogy is perfect.)

With that said, honestly; O.Z. has been getting to me lately. Sure, I’ve been living up here for 2 years and insanity historically does start to kick in around this time, but I simply don’t understand some of what goes on. Here now, without further ado, the ten things most on my mind regarding the social and anti-social behavior at everyone’s favorite Friday night meeting place.

10 – The Coat Closet
Just bought that new charcoal gray overcoat? Ready to bring it to shul on Friday night? Just hung it up in the tiny coatroom before entering the sanctuary? Well kiss it goodbye. It’s gone. You may think that you’ve just cashed in on a great deal at Macy’s, but surprise! Instead, you’ve bought the exact coat everyone else has, and unless you stapled a nametag to it, chances are it’ll be visiting someone else’s Shabbat table tonight. Hope you enjoyed it for the five minutes it took to walk to shul.

9 – People who Congregate at the Bottom of the Steps Outside
This also applies to those who choose to have heartfelt conversations directly in front of the only two entrances on the way out of shul, as hundreds of hungry Jews stand behind them, looking like DMV customers waiting to renew their license. Sure, it seems completely natural to block an entire community from getting home to their family and friends in order to ask the person you’re with if they had time to get that meltaway from The Kosher Marketplace, but I consider it rude.

8 – People who Yell “Mazal Tov” After Every Announcement
Never understood this one. Why hasn’t anyone figured out that we would all get home much sooner if we all kept our “Mazal Tov” yelps quiet until the final announcement? Much like the State of the Union Address – which would be three minutes long without all the standing and clapping –there’s no reason to prolong this experience. And it gets to a point where people yell Mazal Tov regardless of what is being said, which is also incredibly frustrating. “The Cohen’s had a baby boy!” “Mazal Tov!” “Michael and Sarah got engaged!” “Mazal Tov!” “Davening will begin tomorrow at 8.” “Mazal Tov!” “Is anyone listening to me?” “Mazal Tov!”

7 – “Clever” People who put Shul-Related Words to Popular Songs, ie The Lenny Solomon Syndrome
This one needs a little background explanation. About a month ago I was sitting at O.Z. as shul president, Murray Zucker, got up to give a speech about how we should all be giving more money to the congregation. As he approached the stage, a guy sitting in the row behind me nudged his friend and said “Murray’s back, n’ he’s better than before, Hey now, Hey now, Murray wants his money back.” Needless to say I found this remarkably unfunny, and wrote it off as the act of one annoying person. But two weeks later, it was announced that there would be a kiddush the next morning in honor of someone’s Aufruf. A different gentleman, sitting one row ahead of me started singing a tone-deaf rendition of “Send in the Clowns,” replacing the word “clowns” with “chulent.” There is absolutely no excuse for this. If it happened once, I could forget about it, or at least let it fall into my subconscious. But a second time? This is clearly a problem.

6 – Those who Stand at the Siddur Shelf and Get Annoyed when I Take a Siddur
Granted, I could be getting to shul earlier. But I generally get there too late for any seat except for those in the first five rows (see #5), and I wind up standing in back with the rest of the slackers. And this never really bothers me, except for the fact that there are inevitably those who stand in front of the siddur shelves, and get angry when I reach over them for one of the books. Buddy, it’s not like I went over to a seat with your name on it, and passed wind precisely in your direction. So stop looking at me like I did.

5 – The First Five Rows
There is absolutely no need for these rows. Every time I get to shul I am ushered to those sad and lonely benches, as if this is my punishment for arriving late. They are simply way too close to the Aron, and there’s nothing more disconcerting than walking down the aisle past endless rows packed with already-seated 20-something business and med school students murmuring “wow, he’s really late, and his fly is open.” The first five rows should be taped off, like they’re being saved for more important people. Maybe Moshiach. Hey, there’s an idea.

4 – Men Who Act as if Every Woman is Looking Down at Them
This actually applies to about ¾ of the male congregation. Allow me to let you in on a little secret: They aren’t looking at you. They’re just looking down your row to see if you’re sitting near the guy that they’re supposed to be set up with next week. So stop thinking you’re so special.

3 – People Who Stand in the Middle of the Street After Davening
Cars might honk, worlds may collide, but these people won’t budge from the middle of the street, regardless of how bright the headlights are. Many things confuse me, but nothing angers me more than this. The last thing we need is another anti-Semite, and I have no doubt that we have created plenty of them on 95th Street between Columbus and Amsterdam.

2 – Men Who Wait Outside for the Girl of their Dreams to Invite Them for Shabbat Dinner
You know who you are. The women you are staring at also know who you are. And they’re not going anywhere near you. Think maybe it’s time to give up?

1 – “We’ll just meet at O.Z.”
If anyone ever says this to you, realize that they never want to see you again. I have taken some surveys, and it turns out that 84% of the world’s Jewish population goes to O.Z. on Friday night, so the odds of finding someone there is kind of like finding that one freaky guy wearing black at the Marilyn Manson concert. Trust me, you’ll never see these people ever again. And hey, they probably have your coat, too.

please send all comments, questions, or a female perspective to 'Before they were Rockstars' correspondent, Simmy Kustanowitz

Readers Comments:

From Chaya Lung: OZ Observations from the Balcony!
There are never any bsamin satchels in the women's section. Where do they go? Why would anyone take them? Why? Why?

A women can never stand alone outside the shul. If she does this, she either has to figure out a way to insert the word "fiancé" into a response to "Good Shabbos," or tell guys that she's on the UWS visiting her big sister at Barnard.

Never buy anything remotely distinctive at the Gap, Banana Republic or Ann Taylor. What, you thought you were the only woman in your demographic group who thought a just-below-the-knee skirt would look super good with some beads at the hem? Get some creativity. Find a new place to shop.

This is just a general ModOrth shul observation, but are lace doilies really the only thing standing between Jewish women and formal prostitution?