Sometimes I think that I’ve accomplished a lot in a day. Then I ask myself, "did I unify the Divine Name today?" Then I cry and I cry and I cry, but then I realize, tomorrow is another day.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Who wrote the Torah?" I answer God, and then laugh.

Have you ever wondered why some Jews wear black clothing and hats? Maybe it’s because they have bad fashion sense. Or maybe they’re just colorblind.

Whenever I see women sitting behind a mehitza and I always want to yell, "Hey, what are you doing outside of the house?"

Whenever I try to shake an Orthodox girl’s hand and she doesn’t respond, I always wonder, how does she know that I didn’t wash after the bathroom.

I once went into a bookstore in Meah Sharim and asked for a copy of Aristotle, they looked at me like I was from Mars, but when I asked for the Rambam, they knew exactly what I was talking about. Weird.

I always think that it would’ve been cool to go to Rashi’s house for dinner, and if he served cheese, I’d then ask what the hecksher was. If it didn’t have a hecksher I’d walk out and say, "Sorry, I can’t eat here, I only eat heckshered food."

Sometimes I stay up late at night and wonder what Moses would think about Judaism today. Then I say to myself, "Well, maybe he would be pissed." Then I fall asleep and dream of beautiful women.

Sometimes I think that if Elisha Ben Abuyah (yes I used his name) were here, he'd be amazed at how much glow in the dark stuff we have and how much of it we take for granted.

Whenever I feel that I’m headed towards insanity I always think of the the plague of Tzfardai'ah and then I feel better.

This guy came up to me and asked me why I don’t follow everything in the Torah, I simply responded, "Because polygamy isn’t legal in NY."

Sometimes I think that Chabad is silly for believing the Menachem Mendel Schneerson is the Messiah, then I think, hey, it worked for Christianity. They’re doing pretty well.

Do we receive residuals from the Gideons? I mean c’mon, they’ve copied our books and placed them all over the world, aren’t we entitled to some money?

Ya think Moses got a lot of women? I think so.

Somebody should set up a shopping mall in Texas called the Western Mall. People could come from all over and pray in front of it.

If GQ had been around in the 18th century in Poland, I bet the Baal Shem Tov would have been the best dressed man of the year.

I think that circumcision is painful.

Who do you think would win in an arm wrestling contest, Ramban or Rambam? I’d put 50 bucks on Rambam.

I think that Sarah the Matriarch was probably pretty hot.

Why did Rashi have to write in a different script from everyone else. Maybe he was the boy in class that had lousy handwriting. To make him feel better they gave him his own "special" script.

Whenever I see another Jew doing something that I think is wrong, I like to throw rocks at him or her. That’s the only way they’ll ever learn. Really.