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The Daily Bang Archives:

Before the West Side was Won
Momoney

Questions New Yorkers can Never Answer
travis from Queens

TV: Bad for Israel?
arye dworken

Date to keep in Shape
benji joffee

Film: Conjuring Before G-d
Jon Duker

YU Chooses New Pres
Eli Clark

Jewish Deep Thoughts
Ari Greenberg

Inside Dougies
Evan K.

Observant Observations of OZ
simmy kustanowitz

Jew Years Resolutions
jenn goldi

Hollywood L'atid Lavoh
Jordan Hiller

Meeting the Parents Scorecard
Gary Strong and Avi Korn

Jewish Featured Headlines
arye dworken

Canceling Simchat Torah?
Leah Granoff

The UWS "Al Chaits" Isaac Galena

Choose you own Dating Adventure Ahava Leibtag

Entertainment Rebbis
Isaac Galena

The Dating Dictionary
Ahava Leibtag

Single Gal Wedding Guide
Jessica R./Jessica M.

New York Vs. Out of Town
Chuck Cohen

WWF star Chyna, Frum?
Arye Dworken

Dividing things Jewish and Goyish
Isaac Galena

The Jewish 80's
Noach Bernstien

Datin, the Cheap Way
Avi Korn

J-escort service
Eli Goldmann

"It" Girl
Miriam Abramowitz

Foot-IN-Mouth Epidemic
Avi Korn

Jaded by Zemiroth
Lon Smolensky

Purim Special Report
Judah Levine

Press Your Luck
Danny Fax

Upper West Side Story
Arye Dworken

Guta Neshama Hunting
Arye Dworken

Casting Calls to Conference Calls
Isaac Galena

In a surprise move, the Board of Governors of Yeshiva University (YU) announced it had selected the new president of YU: Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik. Rabbi Soloveitchik, popularly known as "the Rav", spent some forty years as a Talmud lecturer and head of the affiliated Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary before retiring from active teaching in the late 1980's due to health reasons. He could not be reached for comment.

A YU spokesman issued the following statement, "We have complete faith in the Rav. And though he may tarry, we wait daily for his coming." An NYU spokesman confided to this reporter, "You've called the wrong school, moron."

In a related step, the YU presidency is also being combined with the position of "Rosh ha-Yeshiva" under the title, "Rosh ha-Yeshiva ve-he-Universita ha-Chilonit" (=Head of the Yeshiva and the Secular University) or ROSHIACH, for short.

Immediately after the announcement of the Rav's selection, an approving crowd organized an impromptu rally, waving signs and banners declaring, "WE WANT ROSHIACH NOW!"

The selection of the Rav was greeted with avid praise, sharp criticism and one epileptic seizure. There was general agreement (among two guys on a street corner) that the Rav was well suited to the position. A well-known authority on Jewish affairs said, "The decision is bold, but cautious. Visionary, but also shortsighted. Influential, except in those areas where it won't be. Um - what was the question again?"

One former student of the Rav cheered the news excitedly. "The Rav is simply awesome. He is the greatest product of the twentieth century after crunchy peanut butter."

Many YU students were also pleased. In the words of a communications major, "The Rav - totally wow! I mean, like, wow! A Torah Gadol. Wicked! And also that post-Kantian, religious existentialist thing. Totally, like, cool!" But a few students expressed concern about the news. A YU freshman gasped when told about R. Soloveitchik's appointment, "Is this going to be on the final?"

However, the general mood on the YU campus seemed largely unaffected by the news. A chemistry major said, "New President? What this school needs is a new menu in the cafeteria. Did you try last night's Swedish meat balls?" Similarly, two YU marketing students declined to be interviewed, engrossed as they were in a comprehensive study of computer web sites advertising women's lingerie.

The Rav was described by one long-time YU insider, "A giant in Torah, a master of Madda, a passionate centrist, a center of passionateness, a bouillion of Brisk and Berlin, an intimate of Rambam and Rilke, Tosafot and Tertullian, Ra'avad and Robert Ludlum. A syncretist, a synthesist, a symphonist, a scholar, a dollar, an ear of cauliflower, an oratorical artist and artful dodger, a man-child of Maimonidean vision, Wildean wit, Jamesian prose, Petrarchan sonnet, an intellectual Prometheus/ an existentential Aeschylus/ he made us feel Ridiculous, he suffered us mortals with a grin, a wink and the occasional punch in the mouth. Blessed with stature -- but not height, gravity -- but not weight, vision - but not bifocals. He set an inspiring-impossible standard of creativity, piety and acerbity . . ." (at this point the batteries in my tape recorder ran out).

YU Board members would not speak for the record, but could barely contain their glee. Several were seen jumping up and down, crowing like a rooster and throwing small appliances out the window. "Let's see Bernie Lander top this!" exclaimed one.

Yet, some critics expressed doubt about the selection, wondering whether the Rav could really be ROSHIACH. In particular, several noted that the Rav reportedly passed away in 1993. "It must be true," insisted one observer, speaking of the Rav's passing, "I read it in the Jewish Press!" One long-time YU critic snorted, "Sure the Rav can be president of YU. But let's see him do hagbah!"

An ardent Rav supporter rejected the criticism. "The Rav's influence and guidance continues to be felt. Now more than ever, he is all around us." He pointed out that, in just the last three years, the Rav has published 17 new books.

One former student answered critics by pointing to the Rav's philosophy. "Everything's a dialectic, see? There's a constant tension between life and death, between joy and despair, between wisdom and eating an entire package of chocolate chip cookies when nobody's looking."

A pulpit rabbi, YU professor, Talmud instructor and noted curmudgeon dismissed the controversy over the appointment of the Rav. "So what if YU's president is dead? Most of the YU administration is brain-dead."

Another YU figure lamented that the controversy was distracting the community from more pressing issues. "We should be focusing on the dire problems of agunot, the religious needs of women and the high costs of liposuction."

Members of the Soloveitchik family declined to speak for the record. But a letter from the Rav's late brother appeared in Jewish newspapers defending the selection as "well within the pale of Orthodoxy." The letter was immediately retracted, and the retraction was also retracted, after which the retraction of the retraction was retracted, but only prospectively.

One relative of the Rav published a lengthy screed, attacking the idea that the Rav would associate with a left-wing institution such as YU, except as a means to bring it closer to "true Torah values." "The Fifties were a different time. But the Rav would never join YU today. I know. I am a talmid and nephew of the Rav's. I had a uniquely close relationship with him based on mutual admiration and our shared passion for amateur snooker. I remember how he encouraged me to leave New York and move to Los Angeles or, in the Rav's own words, "as far away from me as possible."

A YU spokesman brushed the controversy off with a whisk broom. "There will always be people who interpret an event (i.e., the Rav's passing) in a purely 'literal' way. In any case, the Rav is universally recognized as be-chezkat ROSHIACH. After all, can you think of anyone else from this or any generation who would make a better candidate?"

In contrast, the NYU spokesman said, "You've called the wrong school again, moron."

Not everyone in the YU community is celebrating the decision. Dr. David Berger, a prominent critic of Jewish necrolatry, looked ashen-faced at the news. When asked for a comment, he sighed, "I can't believe I have to write another book."

A spokesman for Agudas Yisroel, asked for his organization's reaction, said he would first need to discuss the issue with the Moetzes Gedolei Torah and before that, they would need to figure who the current Gedolei Torah are. "In any case," he said, "Boruch Hashem they didn't choose a woman."