These are the 60 ways to appear frum, I actually think there are 613 ways to be frum but we only hold by 60.
Here they are...
1. Shaved Head (Really frum = Women with shaved heads)
2. Play with the beard...the more you twirl it the better!
3. Do the "Thumb Dip" (The lower you dip, the frummer you look)
4. Whenever quoting a Gemara in order to paskin, never quote from a
Mesechta that has anything to do with the subject. For example: If the
question is: What bracha do I make on Apple Sauce? Do NOT quote from
Mesechta Brachos (that's too logical), quote something from Gittin!
Always say, "I heard Rav Feinstein say...", even if you weren't alive
when he was.
5. Always quote "The Rosh Yeshiva". Everyone will obviously know who
you're talking about!
6. Whenever you're quoting someone to prove that you are right in an
argument, always quote a name that is an acronym (i.e. Rashi, Ramban,
etc). Heck, you can even use your own name, it won't make a difference!
Frum thinking clearly states that, "if someone is commonly referred to
as an acronym, he must be right!"
7. ***Do NOT do this!!! This is NOT frum!!!***
Bring up a siddur when called up for an aliyah, and say the brachos on
the Torah from it. VERY not frum.
8. Have tons of children.
9. When davening with a minyan, remember it's very important to say out
loud the first three (some hold four) words out loud, and then mumble
the rest quietly.
10. "I don't hold by that Rav."
11. Always call your children by their first TWO names. i.e. Sara
Yehudis, Yisroel Meyer, Pesach Yehuda, Noach Areyah, Shlomo HaMelech,
etc. How many REAL frummies do you know with only one first name?
12. Put hebrew dates on everything, and stop using civil dates
altogether.
13. In the supermarket, peer into you neighbors basket and say, "You
eat that type of cheese?".
14. Translate everything you say, everytime you say it. I.e.
Chazal-our sages. This will demean your listener as uneducated and
suggest that he can't remember the translation from one time to the
next.
15. ***Do NOT do this!!! This is NOT frum!!!***
Sing that uppity NCSY benching tune.
16. Must speak in that annoying Brooklyn accent.
17. Meditation is completely assur. (G-d forbid you should spiritually
become closer to G-d).
18. You should not wear a tie during Shabbos Mincha.
19. Girls Only: Get the "Bob"/Bais Yaakov haircut at 18 so everyone
will know you're ready to get married.
20. Learn Gemara and lain outloud along with the ba'al koreh because
maybe he'll pronounce a kamatz as a patach and that pseudo-Sefardi
Modern-Orthodox sheigetz with the small black beanie who stands next to
him reading from a Chumash won't catch it because he's busy talking
about real estate throughout the laining.
21. Got to do that hat slanted ever so-slighty backwards thing for the
full gangsta-frumma look.
22. Go "coast to coast" without showering or changing your clothes,
sheets, or shaving, until you truly look like a caveman.
23. ***Do NOT do the following***
Wear shirt with stripes.
Bobby pins and especially those shiny metallic clips.
Yalmulke with a rim that's bigger than your head.
Tweed jacket with non-black hat.
24. Never say "Thank You", instead say, "Shkoiyach...". Remember it's
only one word.
25. Pssshhhhh.
26. Videotape your wedding even though nobody on either side of the
family owns a television.
27. Go to bars dressed in your hats and jackets, drink, stare at
teenage girls, and claim do be doing kiruv.
28. You must go to the Hilton or any other expensive-type hotel on your
first date.
29. Bikur Holim is for wimps, wusses, and girly-men.
30. When learning, make sure to have as many Sfarim open as possible.
Many poskim hold you should have out: 2 Mesechtas of Gemara, a chumash,
a chelek of Shulchan Oruch, a Ritva, and a sefer written by an achron
that nobody knows.
31. Bow REALLY deep at the beginning of Shemona Esrei.
32. For the ladies, if he doesn't ask to marry you until he asks all
the stupid petty questions like "what is your name", he's off limits,
unless his father is a jeweler who makes big fat diamond rings.
33. Never wash your tallis.
34. Who needs kavanah when davening? Just scrunch up your face, purse
your lips, shut your eyes tight, bang one fist into your palm, whisper
the words loud enough to disturb your neighbor, let your spit be
liberated from the confines of your lips, and get that really, really
constipated look on your face. Only then will the Big Guy hear your
supplications.
35. The answer to any question: "Mamash, takka, im yirtzeh hashem, bli
neder, canina hora, lo aleynu, shelo nedah!
36. Your wife (or you, depending on your gender and all), must wear a
frummy robe Shabbos night.
37. When the Bais HaMikdash is built (G-d willing soon), you must
dedicate something in honour of a dead relative or a family simcha.
i.e. "This Mikva was built in the memory of so and so", or "This Korban
Tamid was sponsored by the sisterhood in honour of Shmuel David's Bar
Mitzva".
38. When you're engaged, you have a chiyuv to set up your friends too.
You might not have anybody in mind for your friends before you're
engaged, but once you are, you obtain a special power that makes it
possible to sense a good shidduch when you see one.
39. Have a really expensive gold watch that, if pawned, would buy
crates of sepharim in Israel.
40. Daven a really fast Shemoneh Esrei so that you can be the first one
to say out loud "Ya'aleh V'yavo..." for Rosh Chodesh and other such
inserts for special days in the calendar in order to remind others that
are davening to remember to say these special paragraphs even though
they already heard the clop on the bima and even though this burst of
self-righteousness may mess up their concentration.
41. Make sure to get engaged after only three dates, but make sure the
baby comes no sooner and no later than nine months from the wedding.
42. Make sure to always look miserable, because G-d forbid, people
might think that you are taking some form of pleasure in this world.
43. On Shabbos, Take off your jacket after Hamotzi and put it back on
right before bentching.
44. Separate your trash between milchig and fleishig.
45. On the days when you make it to minyan, make sure that your friends
who didn't know all about it.
46. The only pop albums you own are Billy Joel
47. Go into Baskin Robbins when there's other Jews there and say really
loud, "I wish I could eat here," just so people know that you keep
Cholov Yisrael. Then leave.
48. After you get engaged, married, have a kid, etc...go around to
everyone else and say "Im yirtze hashem by you," even if they are 70
years old or under the age of 12.
49. If someone's name is "doniel" or "Gavriel", pronounce it
"gavri-kel" or "doni-kel" in order that you shouldn't say G-d's name in
vain.
50. Download micha, maariv, and bentching onto your palm pilot and stop
randomly in heavily populated jewish areas to daven from it.
51. Daven with your eyes closed and your finger holding open the page.
DO NOT LOOK IN THE SIDDUR IT IS VERY NOT FRUM TO HAVE TO LOOK.
52. Wear one of the new Hatzoloh walkie talkies that have the secret
service type earphones. Keep the power off but contantly concentrate on
what everyone thinks is an important message.
53. Put mezuzas on the doors of your minivan and tell everyone "It's
the latest chumrah, but most people don't follow it".
54. Use the term "Please G-d" in your conversations - anywhere "G-d
Willing" can possibly be added.
55. Ban any fiction books in your house aside from those ridiculous
"frum novels" which are neither frum nor novels.
56. Call a single man at the age of 32 a "boy", as in "I have a
wonderful 32 year old boy for you!
57. Be extremely frightened by ANY kind of dog (even a poodle with a
head the size of a golfball) and immediately cross to the street when
you are within 2 miles of these beasts.
58. Dress your (13) children in matching outfits, girls get dresses,
boys get vests and pants made out of same material (i.e. purple tafeta,
blue velvet, plaid wool), do this until the oldest is 19.
59. The non invitation...never directly invite anyone to your house for
a meal. It is better to tell them to call you when they would like to
come. Doing this will yotze you the mitzva of hachnasas orchim, and it
puts the pressure on to the other person to call you. When they never
actually call you, because for some strange reason, they didn?t think
that you gave them a real invitation, come over to them in shul 2 years
later and ask them why they never called you. Make sure to look
insulted.
60. Whenever a friend gets married, stop looking at her in the face.
Now that she is married, you must always look at her stomach to see if
it's getting any bigger, because now that she is married, she will be
getting pregnant any day. After a few months and no belly, talk to
everyone you know about her.
please send all comments, questions to isreali-at-law correspondent Beryl Phillips
Readers Comments:
From Abe Klein
No one will ever accuse you of AHAVAS CHINOM.
The venom with which you right made me laugh and proves how successful the
FRUMMIES are. Thanks
From Eli
"37. When the Bais HaMikdash is built (G-d willing
soon)........." Your'e going the right way about it......
Maybe a few nice lines about those people who are not as disgruntled as you are.
Good Shabbos
From
