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The Daily Bang Archives:
National
Geographic's Journey to the Upper West Side
Avi Korn
60 ways
to appear frum and intellectual
Michael Winner and others
Before the West Side
was Won
Momoney
Questions New
Yorkers can Never Answer
travis from Queens
TV: Bad for Israel?
arye dworken
Date to keep in Shape
benji
joffee
Film: Conjuring Before G-d
Jon
Duker
YU Chooses New Pres
Eli
Clark
Jewish Deep Thoughts
Ari
Greenberg
Inside Dougies
Evan K.
Observant Observations of
OZ
simmy kustanowitz
Jew Years
Resolutions
jenn goldi
Hollywood L'atid
Lavoh
Jordan Hiller
Meeting the Parents
Scorecard
Gary Strong and Avi Korn
Jewish Featured
Headlines
arye dworken
Canceling Simchat
Torah?
Leah Granoff
The UWS "Al Chaits" Isaac
Galena
Choose you own Dating
Adventure Ahava Leibtag
Entertainment
Rebbis
Isaac Galena The Dating
Dictionary
Ahava Leibtag Single Gal Wedding
Guide
Jessica R./Jessica M. New York Vs. Out of
Town
Chuck Cohen
WWF star Chyna,
Frum?
Arye Dworken
Dividing things Jewish and
Goyish
Isaac Galena
The Jewish
80's
Noach Bernstien
Datin, the Cheap Way
Avi
Korn
J-escort service
Eli
Goldmann
"It" Girl
Miriam
Abramowitz
Foot-IN-Mouth
Epidemic
Avi Korn
Jaded
by Zemiroth
Lon Smolensky
Purim Special
Report
Judah Levine
Press Your Luck
Danny
Fax
Upper West Side Story
Arye Dworken
Guta Neshama Hunting
Arye
Dworken
Casting Calls to Conference
Calls
Isaac Galena
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bangitout.com
presents:
National
Geographic's
Journey to the Upper West Side
by senior nothern exposure correspondent: Avi
Korn
Natural Geographic
brings you a rare opportunity to gain an inside glimpse into the esoteric
Jewish community of the Upper West Side. This expedition is made possible
by Dr. Slater, PHD University of California-Berkely, a highly regarded
anthropologist well known for his research adapting to intricate cultures.
Special thanks to corporate sponsors Paskez Candies and JewsForJesus.com
New York (N40° 40’, W89° 55’) – Dr. Gunther Slater, PHD:
To prepare myself
for this venture into the heart of the Jewish community, I investigated
modern orthodox culture mostly by studying Jewish periodicals (“The
Jewish Press”, “L’chaim”, “The Wall Street
Journal”) and rented some classic Jewish cinema (“Yentel”,
“An American Tale 2: Fievel Goes West”, “Fiddling on
my Roof”) so that I was “holding”.
I then proceeded to rely upon online communities (urls: http://www.bangitout.com,
http://www.Satmer.org) to learn about dress and expression. I decided
to grow long side-locks, or “peyis” as they are known and
wear a scraggly beard to complement. I accessorized my ensemble with
a “slut gear” T-shirt and a cell phone. I then paid cover
charge at the Parlour to get my hand stamped. Disguised as a native,
I was prepared for “Bang Time”.
Shabbat Night Services (a.k.a “bang time”)Ohab Zedek, or “OZ”
as it is referred to, can be thought of as the high temple of the community.
I checked my OZ schedule received from the synagogue after becoming
a member (the office assistant laughed and hung up the phone, saying
“good one” when I first asked about membership fees) and proceeded
to arrive promptly for services. Initially convinced my watch was broken,
I eventually decided to leave the synagogue after the janitor assured
me that services have indeed started, although no one would show up
for another 45 minutes.
Returning later
to a packed crowd at OZ, I strategically decided to sit up on the balcony
level to optimize my view. This was a poor choice. After repeated slappings
I noticed only women sat on the upper level. A compassionate female
congregant showed me to the male seating area and explained the purpose
of separation during prayer. I thanked her using the traditional custom
of asking her for her number, at which point I was slapped again.
For the remainder
of the services, I tried to blend in with the other male worshippers.
I quickly noticed the custom for seated congregants to hold their prayer
books in one direction, while the worshippers standing in the back to
hold them in the opposite direction. I shrewdly took note and acted
in kind, also making sure to stare directly upward towards the balcony,
in apparent supplication for mercy, until the end of services…
The completion
of services led to the much-anticipated mating ritual outside. I tried
to navigate my way through the dense crowds of fraternizing singles
without getting pushed too much (I made sure to let people know I observed
the laws of “Negiah” by yelling “Don’t touch me,
Niddah!”) only to find myself repeatedly pushed underneath the
Hatzolah Ambulance (based on my conversations with the Hatzolah members
who helped me up, it seems the word “Hatzolah” means “cool”).
I decided to try my hand at making for myself a “shidduch”
using the pickup lines from the Satmer website on an eligible woman
standing next to the Rabbi.
Me: Vus Machs Ir, Vieber?
Girl: “huh?”
Me: What’s your name?
Girl: I’m Rebetzin Schwartz
Me: That’s a nice name, Rebetzin. I like your oversized headband
you’re wearing.
Girl: Actually, it’s a fall
Me: Well that’s good, cuz I’m falling in love with you…
I had recently read about the reputation for Rabbis to visit the sick
at local hospitals. Perhaps this is because they injure these individuals.
I pondered this idea in the back of the Hatzolah ambulance as the medics
accompanied me to the hospital in the back, comparing their walkie-talkies.
The scuffle with the Rabbi effectively disabled me from completing my
research, and led to my explicit exclusion from his communal Friday
dinner invitation, which I understand he reverberates each week. I was
also rather disappointed to miss an Oneg at Studio 54 that night, which
I learned about from a flyer I received from the cantor during the silent
amidah (upon inquiring, it seems an ‘Oneg’ differs from a
‘party’ in that one does not try to pick-up non-Jews).
Please join me next time when I continue my research of the Jewish culture,
when I follow righteous hassidim to the Williamsburg “mikva”
(which means “a good deed”).
please send all comments,
questions to Avi Natfuni Korn
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