The Daily Bang

bangitout.com presents:

Jewish Honest Classified Ads

by Brandeis babes Deena Grant (she is a scorpio)

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email bangitout.com @ submit@bangitout.com for your comments to be posted for everyone to see

From Suzie Selengut
For the past two years, I have been compiling personal ads from frum singles in the New York area in order to create a huge shidduch corporation. These are some of the better ones. If anyone is interested, please e-mail me and I will set them up, with one of the amazing catches that are advertised below

- Only one and a half more couples and I’m going to Gan Eden!

- Desperately Seeking Someone…….Anyone!

- SJM Columbia Grad, Conservadox, extremely good looking and brilliant, impeccable taste in clothes, great hair, seeking modern girl with a Cindy Crawford body, no recognizable morals and a severe learning disability.

- Drisha regular, long curly hair seeking very thin, quiet smicha student. Must be into Rambam. Chavrusas first, then possible marriage.

- Waas Up? Frum gangsta rappa from Flatbush, chasidish family seeking fun girl who wants to party foreveh. Must be willing to cover your hair.

- 24 year old open-minded, low-maintenance, laid-back Stern grad from the Upper West Side searching for exactly 6’1, light brown hair, 168 lbs, SAT scores between 1300-1340, dark green eyes, crocheted blue or black colored yarmulkah, Gush and YU, Lehman Bros., between 26 and 28, must be from a large family , must prefer red ices to green, must get along with my father, should like the Sopranos but think it’s crass in a way, should want to live in Teaneck but not too near my parents .No one else need apply.

- YU grad, unemployed, still living in the Heights, looking for a chica to swing with at my ghetto fabulous pad, hobbies include porn, video games and my friend “Mary Jane”.

- Tall, dark, handsome frum guy, lawyer, seeking same. Discretion a must.

- Zionist Vegetarian womyn, Barnard grad, Searching for idealistic, gentle guy (with an earring) in a creative field only. Must be into animal rights and Debbie Friedman music. Meet me on Friday night at Ramat Orah.

- Black hat wearing Heights dweller. Learns half a day and writes or paints on weekends, searching for a sparkling baalat teshuvah who can quote Shakespeare but prefers the Chofetz Chaim. Let’s move out of town and make beautiful, frum babies.

- Bitter, bitter girl. Have given up. Ceased washing my hair or going on set-ups. Call me.

- SJM Just landed on 86th St. from the Planet Zeebop. By day I work for an investment bank. By night I commune with Jewish aliens through a portal in Central Park, searching for SJF star trekie. No weirdos please.

- Frum guy with a commitment problem looking for a good match (but unsure of what kind of person exactly) in search of similarly aimless frum girl to confuse and emotionally scar.

- Really hot frum “Sex in the City” type girl. For marriage only.

- Nice, kind, Shomer-Negiah guy in finance searching for social worker girl to live a quiet life with. Please look like a model but act like a rebbetzin. No fatties, thank you

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The Daily Bang Archives: Jewish Honest Classifieds M. Lasar/ Deena Grant How to teach in English in China Sarah Galena Who wants to marry a Boro Park Millionaire martin bodek My Sister's Grand Dragon Boyfriend Alisa green 80's movie UWS Dating Lessons Remfan Modern Orthodox Quiz Ahava Leibtag National Geographic's Journey to the Upper West Side Avi Korn 60 ways to appear frum and intellectual Michael Winner and others Before the West Side was Won Momoney Questions New Yorkers can Never Answer travis from Queens TV: Bad for Israel? arye dworken Date to keep in Shape benji joffee Film: Conjuring Before G-d Jon Duker YU Chooses New Pres Eli Clark Jewish Deep Thoughts Ari Greenberg Inside Dougies Evan K. Observant Observations of OZ simmy kustanowitz Jew Years Resolutions jenn goldi Hollywood L'atid Lavoh Jordan Hiller Meeting the Parents Scorecard Gary Strong and Avi Korn Jewish Featured Headlines arye dworken Canceling Simchat Torah? Leah Granoff The UWS "Al Chaits" Isaac Galena Choose you own Dating Adventure Ahava Leibtag Entertainment Rebbis Isaac Galena The Dating Dictionary Ahava Leibtag Single Gal Wedding Guide Jessica R./Jessica M. New York Vs. Out of Town Chuck Cohen WWF star Chyna, Frum? Arye Dworken Dividing things Jewish and Goyish Isaac Galena The Jewish 80's Noach Bernstien Datin, the Cheap Way Avi Korn J-escort service Eli Goldmann "It" Girl Miriam Abramowitz Foot-IN-Mouth Epidemic Avi Korn Jaded by Zemiroth Lon Smolensky Purim Special Report Judah Levine Press Your Luck Danny Fax Upper West Side Story Arye Dworken Guta Neshama Hunting Arye Dworken Casting Calls to Conference Calls Isaac Galena		bangitout.com presents: Jewish Honest Classified Ads by Brandeis babes Deena Grant (she is a scorpio) This is a little collection a pal and I wrote of what real personal ads should look like instead of the sugar coated "long walks on the beach" stuff we usually see. Some are for the general population while most are directed at us Jews: SJF ,27, but look like 30, ISO SJM, I must tell you I was engaged once but broke it off b/c his family wouldn't buy us a summer home in the Catskills. SSJM (single short Jewish male) in search of SWF for several tefillin dates. I require tefillin as well (Rabbienu Tam please). SJF looking for someone who can support my weekly manicure and pedicure habit in addition to at least 4 new Shabbos suits every season. I enjoy going to shul late and gossiping about everyone there, as well as blowing my hair so straight it looks like a shaitel. Require at least 50 minutes prep time before we go anywhere. Must subscribe to People magazine. SJF searching for bochur who looks frum, talks yeshivish, wears 3 beepers who I can bring to shul and show off to my overweight friends. Must own a beautiful set of shas to sit in our living room, but must never use it. Ever. 35 year old single male seeking single female exactly like my mother. SJGG (Single Jewish Gush Guy) searching for female partner who must be from Boston, have gone to Barnard, at least one year of Drisha, a Phd from Revel, NCSY advisorship 5 years, HASC 2 years exp. (1 year ok too), Counterpoint Australia a must, Torah Tours 1 year, YUSSR 1 pesach, and at least 3 articles submitted to any Torah UMaddah journal. 29 year old SWF. Modern orthodox. Actually, when I was 18 I was Right-wing orthodox (ankle skirts and sleeves to wrist) but I never got a guy that way. By 24, I became more modern (knee skirts and sleeves to elbows). Didn't get a guy that way either. Now I wear mini skirts and halter tops and am searching for a guy who will have casual sex with me. SWF looking for a boyfriend who's not depressed. SWF who already has booked the Marina Del Ray with 500 people in attendance for this coming Labor Day. Need Chasan. 28 yr old factory worker seeks woman who despises shoes and enjoys morning sickness Penn female grad looking for guy who does not wear yarmulke outside 33 yr old petite, high strung female. I take valium, paxil, zoloft, and ritalin. Seeking male, preferably single, but married is also ok, to affirm my sense of self. Must be Chassidish. Desperate, 36 yr old SWF, badly in need of man, chest headed south as are my bank account and moral standards. SJF, 30, searching for any guy to marry. Now. As I must beat my younger sister to the chupah! SWM looking for female to financially support my cocaine addiction (and give me sex) SWM 5'7, accountant, enjoys movies, traveling, and chinese food. Sensitive, attractive, intelligent, and caring. Dream date would be a romantic walk on the beach followed by a candle lit dinner. Ready for relationship and maybe more. Seeking single male poodle. SSJF (single shtark jewish female) searching for a mench that I can share a picture on OnlySimchas.com with. Engagement must be less than 1 month. 38 SWM with beer belly and nose hairs who will probably cheat on you at least twice before needing to be sent to a nursing home- seeks petite, nice looking SWF who knows how to cook a mean omelet Bright, frum, mench, 24, seeking an Aishes Chayil... who puts out. Married male, 45, seeking 17 yr. old for my lunch break (my lunch hour is 1-2). Hotel room included! SWF, 25, 5'5", size 8 on good days, I get my legs waxed, my face bleached and I pluck my eyebrows, I have fake nails, dyed hair, a fake tan. I Am getting implants if this ad isn't answered. does reading an article in GQ count as a date? b/c that is the last one I had... SJM, 36, 5"2, 367 strands of hair left, started internet company, have not made money yet - but big things will happen. Someday. BTW What does your father do? SJM (single jewish mother) in search of nice boy for my daughter. Require 3 years of tax returns at SAT scores before talking to her. Very independent SWJM, -Live in Queens in a large room, with own bath and kitchen (but need to pass through my parent's section of house to get there). Seeking SJF, 19-20 who has never touched a male in her life SJM looking for shiksa. The End. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ email bangitout.com @ submit@bangitout.com for your comments to be posted for everyone to see READERS COMMENTS' From Suzie Selengut For the past two years, I have been compiling personal ads from frum singles in the New York area in order to create a huge shidduch corporation. These are some of the better ones. If anyone is interested, please e-mail me and I will set them up, with one of the amazing catches that are advertised below - Only one and a half more couples and I’m going to Gan Eden! - Desperately Seeking Someone…….Anyone! - SJM Columbia Grad, Conservadox, extremely good looking and brilliant, impeccable taste in clothes, great hair, seeking modern girl with a Cindy Crawford body, no recognizable morals and a severe learning disability. - Drisha regular, long curly hair seeking very thin, quiet smicha student. Must be into Rambam. Chavrusas first, then possible marriage. - Waas Up? Frum gangsta rappa from Flatbush, chasidish family seeking fun girl who wants to party foreveh. Must be willing to cover your hair. - 24 year old open-minded, low-maintenance, laid-back Stern grad from the Upper West Side searching for exactly 6’1, light brown hair, 168 lbs, SAT scores between 1300-1340, dark green eyes, crocheted blue or black colored yarmulkah, Gush and YU, Lehman Bros., between 26 and 28, must be from a large family , must prefer red ices to green, must get along with my father, should like the Sopranos but think it’s crass in a way, should want to live in Teaneck but not too near my parents .No one else need apply. - YU grad, unemployed, still living in the Heights, looking for a chica to swing with at my ghetto fabulous pad, hobbies include porn, video games and my friend “Mary Jane”. - Tall, dark, handsome frum guy, lawyer, seeking same. Discretion a must. - Zionist Vegetarian womyn, Barnard grad, Searching for idealistic, gentle guy (with an earring) in a creative field only. Must be into animal rights and Debbie Friedman music. Meet me on Friday night at Ramat Orah. - Black hat wearing Heights dweller. Learns half a day and writes or paints on weekends, searching for a sparkling baalat teshuvah who can quote Shakespeare but prefers the Chofetz Chaim. Let’s move out of town and make beautiful, frum babies. - Bitter, bitter girl. Have given up. Ceased washing my hair or going on set-ups. Call me. - SJM Just landed on 86th St. from the Planet Zeebop. By day I work for an investment bank. By night I commune with Jewish aliens through a portal in Central Park, searching for SJF star trekie. No weirdos please. - Frum guy with a commitment problem looking for a good match (but unsure of what kind of person exactly) in search of similarly aimless frum girl to confuse and emotionally scar. - Really hot frum “Sex in the City” type girl. For marriage only. - Nice, kind, Shomer-Negiah guy in finance searching for social worker girl to live a quiet life with. Please look like a model but act like a rebbetzin. No fatties, thank you Copyright © 2001-2003 bangitout.com, Inc. All rights reserved