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News Flash.....

“Jewish Week” Changes Name; Subscribers Now Find “Lanner Weekly” in Mailboxes
by arye dworken

In an entirely predictable move by America’s most reputable weekly Jewish Newspaper, the Jewish Week has abandoned all its secondary coverage of the Jewish community and has decided to focus primarily on Rabbi Boruch Lanner. In fact, don’t be surprised if you find that you no longer subscribe to the Jewish Week. Indeed, in just a couple of weeks, you will open your mailbox and see that your favorite publication now goes by the title of “Lanner Weekly.”

“Look, we know what the public wants,” said Gary Rosenblatt, editor of the Jewish Week, “so we give it to them. They want all Lanner, all the time.”

Sitting down with the brainchild/man behind the newly appointed name, Rosenblatt explained what the new change would mean. Not only will you know all the “juicy” controversy but you will also know when Lanner goes to the bathroom, eats dinner and most importantly when Lanner thinks  “Friends” will finally go off the air.

While speaking with the Jewish Week’s image director, Sheldon Goldberg, we were let in on the process behind the new name change.

“At first, we thought about just changing all the verbs to “Lanner,” said Goldberg, “you know, like they do in the Smurfs. Like, let’s say I wanted to talk about a protest outside the White House, right? I would say that the crowd lannered outside the White House lawn while police lannered for potential terrorists.”

“But we thought that was a bit extreme,” Goldberg continued, “so instead we changed the name to “Lanner Weekly,” which is definitely a more moderate statement.”

For the first issue of the officially-donned “Lanner Weekly,” one will find the new modifications easy to follow because usually reading 80 pages focusing on one subject is generally easy to follow.

When asked about the reaction the public will have to the new format, Rosenblatt responded with much confidence. “Look,” he said, “it’s been working for us until now. Besides, if it doesn’t work out, we can always switch back to the Jewish angle.”

Upon further questioning about that so-called abandoned Jewish angle, Rosenblatt continued, “I bet you’re wondering where the Jewish community will turn to for stories about Jewish intermarriage with German storm-troopers, for high-school girls that wear tefillin, or about how evil shaytel-machers are.

“And I’ll be honest, it’s a good question. Which is why we’re currently in talks for developing a Lanner Weekly breakaway called “Making Orthodoxy Look Bad Weekly.”

But don’t think that these moderate moves are not being met with controversy. “ I think it’s appalling,” said Moshe Hersh. “Why does Rosenblatt think we want to know everything that’s going on with Rabbi Lanner?”

“I mean, I want to also know what Rabbi Willig is up to,” Hersh expressed. “I need to know what he’s talking about every time he says something. Like, did he say “I’m fine” when someone asked him how he was?”

“We understand the concern that people have about missing out on the mistakes Rabbis are making and then blowing them out of proportion,” Rosenblatt retorted. “We will rise to that challenge. And trust me here, it will be pretty easy.”

So, whether the Jewish community will catch on to the new Lanner Weekly is still yet to be determined. But one thing is for certain: Rabbis in shuls and Jewish communities everywhere will be talking about it during prayer services. And, after all, isn’t that the point of having a Jewish newspaper?

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From Michael Steinhart
While we're on the subject of The Jewish Week, I noticed that in the
latest issue, Gary Rosenblatt takes issue with the founders and
proprietors of Bangitout.com, whose silence on the issues of child
endangerment, spousal abuse, tax evasion, and substance abuse in the
Jewish community has been very troubling.

"We have some tough questions for the Galenas, and their chief
correspondent, one Arye Dworken," Rosenblatt writes. "The Modern
Orthodox laiety has been too patient. It's time to start a grass-roots
effort to bring these irresponsible media moguls to justice. They have a
forum in which they can raise awareness and spread positive messages,
but have we seen even one?

"To make matters worse, an Upper West Side resident, who has asked to
remain anonymous, told me that Bangitout.com routinely engages in verbal
and literary ridicule of particular synagogues, schools, regions, and
social groups. How long will this be allowed to continue? Sources close
to The Jewish Week have indicated that a criminal investigation may be
in the works, and you can rely on us to provide excruciatingly detailed
coverage..."

You guys rock! -