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How to Lose a Date in 10 Minutes:

And not Lose Yourself in the Moment.
by avi korn

Look…

You’re sitting at home early one evening when the phone rings. It is a shadchan (to be read: friend of your mom). She has called you to tell you about the perfect girl/guy for you to date, but she can’t remember their name. She is extremely enthusiastic by this prospective date, and you’re feeling more than a bit skeptical. You can’t figure out why – maybe it’s because the last time a stranger set you up, it awkwardly ended up they were the same gender as you (That name “Eli” can really go either way) . What do you do?!

If you are excited by this fortuitous surprise, and blurt out “You had me at ‘I have someone’!!” it could mean this article is not for you. It could also mean that:

§ You notice dating opportunities come to you less frequently than jury summons

§ You also realize only jury duty has lasted as long as 3 days

§ After sitting through Joe Millionaire, Blind Date and The Bachelor/ette you are convinced all blind dates are tall, personable, successful (except of course for Joe) and attractive

§ You are married, and your spouse is not at home

§ Bonus: If you check this site too much, it could also mean that you have read, and adamantly disagree with the teachings of Aaron Spool, and have taken it upon yourself to go on any and every blind date that comes your way. (call me)

But assume that’s not the case. You’re not quite sure, but something feels unsettling about the situation.

If so, Good start! Your sharp intuition has peered straight through this scheming caller, who has probably also watched the reality shows mentioned above, and figures putting 20+ people in a room is bound to result in a marriage. (which could also be the underlying reason why Jews have engagement parties, then vorts, followed by l’chaims) You can confirm your suspicions by answering the following questions about the shadchan:

§ Does this p erson know you?

§ Does this person sound sorry for the guy/girl? Better yet, are they related?

§ Do you hear the potential date’s voice in the background? (“psst – mention that I’m smart!”)

§ Does the shadchan sound way too similar to the potential date?

§ Did the conversation begin with this person mistaking your name, or referring to you as “current resident”?

§ Did the shadchan mention that there is a good chance the cost of this date is tax deductible?

Situations like these are no-brainers: A gentle no-thank-you or a well-timed hang-up can amend the situation: Unfortunately, this is just a dream.

Back to reality, there goes gravity.

You wake up to find this girl/guy’s phone number on your desk. Any smart bashert broker will not give you the chance to say no. Chances are they called your mother who is no longer amused by your anti-social lifestyle, sparse dating calendar, and tired of waiting for some nachus and a reason to buy new shoes. Consequently, you are stuck That’s when you come looking for this article:

The first call is tonight. You have one shot, one opportunity to cease everything you never wanted. A call any longer than a few minutes may indicate interest: you have 10 minutes, max: What do you do? !?

Thank G-d for bangitout! The skilled writers here have been turning off dates even when they don’t mean to for years. With them behind you, you’ll feel confident this first conversation will also be your last. Now, with confidence, you embark on the mission to...

Lose your Date in 10 Minutes

Clock: 10:00

Begin: [Pick up phone, dial tone]

[Beep sounds of you dialing phone number] – (Familiar tone of 7-1-8 for Brooklyn causes a brief shiver down your spine)

Your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.

[Ringing sound]

(Phone picks up in middle of first ring)

Date: “Hello! Hello!”

You: “uh, hi – Bayla?”

Bayla: “Yes! You must be my date!”

You: “…that’s right. I got your number from (your mind: Satan! Say ‘Satan’!) your friend”

Bayla: “Yes, bless her soul.”

You: “How’s it going?”

Bayla: {Irrelevant, but very long story}…you slip into unconsciousness…

Clock: 1:46

You wake up and realize the clock’s running out, the phone call is almost over! Ahh! Time to turn to the experts:
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For emergency use only, we present the BANGITOUT DATE-DROP LINES

Nick Names:

“My friends call me ‘mamzer’. Not because I’m mean, but because I was born out of wedlock. I don’t date very often since it’s hard for me to find people I can marry by Jewish Law. I noticed you don’t look much like your father…”

“ I don’t really have a nickname. My immediate family and my mohel call me ‘Stumpy’. I’ll tell you why after the chupah, but before the yichud room”

Fetishes:

“I don’t mean to be too upfront, but would you mind:”

“Wearing something that smells like meat”

“Wiggling every time you hear my name”

“If I borrow some of your clothing”

“If you call me your Dad’s name”

“If I bring my teffilin”

Quirks & Talents:

“ I always remember to leave the toilet seat down. It’s because I never learned how to use it with the seat up”

“Ever since I saw a National Geographic showing birds regurgitate their food for their children, I won’t eat food any other way. You know, cow’s digest their food twice too…If I had split hooves, you could eat me!”

“If I tell you which foods give me bad gas, will you tell me yours?”

“ I get to choose which sheets we put holes in”

Miscellaneous:

“I just want to make it clear that if you ever leave the house alone, you will be required to drink Sotah water”

“Your dad’s rich, right?”

“My last girlfriend and I split up over ideological differences…. When do you draw the line between discipline and abuse?”

“I really think this is going to work out, I hear you look just like my mother”

“I don’t have commitment issues anymore now that I don’t consider marriage an exclusive relationship”

“You know if I hit you it’s because I love you, right?”

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Readers Comments: To submit your own comments to this list, please send an email to submit@bangitout.com: and include the title in the subject header. THANKS!

From Mikey from da Block:
Depending on where you are, any of the following lines can be a deal-breaker:
1. I can't meet you during the week, because I work crazy hours. (In Boro Park, this'll shoot you down faster than a North Korean interceptor jet.)
2. I can't meet you during the week, because I have night seder Monday through Thursday. (Can you Upper West Siders say "Shomer alert! Shomer alert!" On the other hand, if a girl uses this line, chances are she's in Riverdale and the Chovevei guy on the other end of the line just wet himself.)
3. I'm going on a special three-day 'celebrate shabbat in the wilderness while eating only roots and berries and rising with the sun to daven shacharis while performing yogic t'ai chi' retreat--would you like to come with? (Watch the Brooklyn girls go running back to mommy...)
4. I really want to make aliya. (ditto)
5. I'm not interested at all in aliya, and I'm really against any form of Israeli/Jewish self-defense or self-determination. (This'll get the BP girls panting, but it's a surefire route to clicksville (in the hangup, not hookup, sense) if you're talking to any Stern, Barnard, NYU, Columbia, Penn, etc. grad...)

Your best article ever!!!!

From Suzanne:
Your best article ever!!!!

From E-Vigs:
Subject: Bravo
Good job on your latest BIO installment, I especially liked the lose yourself references. They were well meshed into the article. Maybe you should consider a radio show where frustrated UWS daters call in and you give them advice. You could even do some eminem when you return from commercial breaks. It's just a thought.