“Children with a hardened heart”

by BIO staffers with worried parents, Avi Korn & Seth Galena

Isn’t the entire point of the seder to get kids to ask questions?  Not entirely, according to parents of unmarried children. They believe the seder is a key time for them to ask their unhitched children a variety of questions, generally spanning  from “why aren’t you married?” to “why aren’t you married?” 

Below is the Hagadah for such parents, print it out, bring it home, give it to the folks, and the rest of the seder will be a piece of cake.

Kadesh
As you pour the first cup of wine, take your single child’s cup and before reciting the blessing, raise it and then wrap it up in your napkin. Ask your single child to stand. When they ask you what you are doing (evoking curiosity), do not answer with words. Rather, take the wrapped cup and place it on the floor, and then step on it and smash it. Follow it with a Mazel Tov scream.

This is a good way to set the tone for the rest of your seder. 

Urchatz
The women will remove their rings for washing; have your single child get on one knee and replace the ring on each of your guest’s fingers (for those who don’t have, create rings out of those pareve chocolate jelly rings). This should be followed by a discussion about engagements and diamond sizes. 

Karpas
Explain to your single child that the saltwater we dip into represents the tears parents cry after hearing the words “It was So-so” from our children, post-date. The green vegetable symbolizes the $100 your child just spent on that so-so date (on your credit card).

Yachatz
Yachatz  means "Break apart", Yachad means "Come together", the only letter difference are  the ending letters Daled and Tzadik, which makes sense, since that spells "Dates." Another beautiful Vort. (mmm Vort)

Mah Nishtana: The Four Questions

After performing the seder up to this point, the youngest child’s curiosity is overwhelmed to induce him/her to ask the four questions as to why this night is different from all other nights. What follows in ‘Avadim Hayinu’ is a dialogue delving into the details of our nation’s bondage.

This is also an ideal time for you to enter into a dialogue with your oldest single child as to why they are not yet married. If you have been following the ‘Seder for your Orthodox Single’ (S.O.S) up until now, you can expect your wayward child to become inquisitive at this point to ask you four questions as well:

1.     Why are we spending this Passover in Florida?

2.     Why did you put an empty place setting next to me?

3.     Why do you keep combing my hair?

4.     Who is the guy/girl that you stuck in my room with me?

It is at this point that you explain to your child that you are in bondage. Excessive crying is helpful during your explanation of the slavery and bitterness you are experiencing. Make your child understand that Passover is a time for you to become freed of this burden, and that he/she should let you set him/her up with the lists of people you have from your friends who know successful and eligible young professionals. Start reading off the names and professions of these people until your child tries to stop you.

Follow up with a song based on Moses’ powerful declaration to Pharoh – “Let my people go… out with you!”

The Four Sons:

“ Every Hagaddah has it’s own explanation of the four sons. Who better to give the correct explanation than the parents?

The wise son is the one who listens to his parents. He became a tzadik because he obediently studied for his tests in Hebrew school when his parents asked him. So what if he learns in kollel? He married at 21, and has 12 or 13 kids to give his parents much nachus. He and his wife don’t stop having children until his parents who support them say “Dayenu”

The wicked son never calls

The simple son. Nu? Not every child can be a doctor. But he listens to his mother when she says who and when to date.

The son that doesn’t know how to ask a girl to marry him. The reason why you have this haggadah! Punch out his teeth if he can’t remember why he isn’t enslaved right now.”

Other Excerpts
Reason for Kittel: Duh. 
Reason for Marror: Only parents need eat this. Raw.
Reason for singing "who knows one": Your Single child should try to answer "who knows two"

The Maakos: “The eleventh Makeh: Going into labor for your still single child”

Dayenu: “…If you would just go out with him once, and never call him again, that would be enough..”

Eliyahu: “When opening the door for Eliyahu, be careful to make sure your child doesn’t try to run out.”

send comments and date suggestions to Avi & Seth