First off, I think its important to track down how this nudity phenomenon started. I think it maybe have sources in the Mikvah, the original JCC Jacuzzi. Oddly enough, “the ritual bath”, Judaism’s spiritual cleansing pool, sure has developed a lot of proud naked people. Ladies, trust me on this one, if you walk into any mikvah any where in the world there is always some fat dude with a beard, a belly, and enough back hair to produce a couple shaitels, who will be “lounging” in the stark nude chatting endlessly about some kosher restaurant while his circumcision is casually giving a nationally televised press conference.

Listen, don’t get me wrong I’d be glad to discuss shul developments or Jewish community issues with the guy, but does he have to be sooo naked, can’t the guy at least show some amount of insecurity? Turn the other direction? Take a towel? Heck, take my towel! (And No, I will not pass you your boxers! Uhh and why are you smiling?)

Now, I can’t say the same of “female” mikvahs, but at the guys’ mikvahs there is constant brazen frontal nudity. Oddly, there is no shame. Even by the most religious bearded black hat dudes who pride themselves in wearing full length overcoats in Miami, chill out in the buck. Where did rabbis develop this confident Nudist Colony mentality? Can’t some mandatory Chasidic fig leaf policy be established (good imagery, right?) or maybe require all towels to go below the knees and above the groin? Doesn’t there need to be some element of religious modesty? The answer is surprisingly, No. According to the Mishna Brura, our codified book of Jewish law, the mikvah requires zero tznius/modesty in such a purely spiritual place! Cool, who knew full frontal nudity would be halacha? (Besides Al Goldstein or Howard Stern) From there, the thought process was simple: All Jewish pools therefore “require” nudity, and thus begat the JCC Locker room phenomenon.

So that’s how it may have started. Now, what effect has it had upon us? Well, for one, it certainly made us learn early the lesson that G-d makes people in all shapes and sizes. This was my dad’s response when he found me close to vomiting; after I unfortunately found myself in point blank range of old Mr. Shlepman’s daily crotch “baby-powder application.” Thank you Mr. Shlepman for that lesson, I’ll never forget it.

Hey another effect is that it may have promoted heterosexuality. While the ancient baths of the Greeks may have encouraged homosexuality, no Jewish kid I know would ever want to look at the body of another man after the battle scars of the JCC shower room. That is hell and back. I remember my first time going in trying my best to concentrate on my own shampooing, water temperature and NOT making eye contact with any old dude. Then thinking to myself, “what the hell is that thing growing on that guy’s neck?” “What the heck are those red spots and wrinkles?” and “why are they laughing at my bathing suit?” I walked out traumatized swearing I’d never shower again. Trust me, after your first time in that shower room, you’ve been through combat, you’ve seen the worse. You never want to see another man’s flesh again. Unfortunately for me, “air drying” seemed to be prevalent in my JCC and I was forced to get dressed in front of another harem of naked wet old men. I was dressed and out in two minutes flat, of course, still completely soaked.

Without a doubt the smell alone is enough to invoke some of these fond memories. The heavenly aroma of chlorine and urinal is enough to get me teary eyed. Which probably explains my joy of peeing in pools. But more importantly, in retrospect, the locker room may have been the American Jewish kid’s his first venue for offbeat comedy. While the locker room had lots to invoke therapy, there was a lot more to laugh at. Old people are just funny, especially when they are naked, and have weird hair, and if they are cursing, any Jewish kid, will burst laughing, guaranteed. It’s magical. While our sages tell us that comedy sources from sexuality (pirkei avos, rambam), an addendum of “naked senior citizens cursing” might work equally as well, we had some great laughs those days. So yet again, thank you Mr. Shlepman, hats off to you and your hernia problems. The impressions will last a lifetime.

I think the one other lasting lesson of the JCC locker room is the way that old people never gave a crap about anything or anyone, and that takes balls, figuratively and, um literally. As little Jewish kids at the JCC we may have picked up this vital life message earlier than any others. If it is worth anything, the JCC phenomenon taught us not to be concerned with the judgment of others, rather to be cool with yourself whether you have liver spots on your legs, cysts growing from your neck, or even an overdone circumcision. This maybe exactly the reason why the mikvah requires no modesty as well; to teach you, especially when cleansing yourself spiritually, to get rid of all your superficial layers and be happy with who you are. That’s a decent lesson I keep in mind, well that and of course never to shower with old people again.

Send Comments, reflections, and pictures to Isaac Galena

From D. Robinson:
hilarious.
In a related inyan, couple mikva memories from the annual pre-y.k. dip as a kid
- always had to hold myself back from doing a cannonball into the oversized tub (I thought this would also miraculously splash out the loose nasty ass hairs too)
- when my ivrit teacher was in front of me… talk about no eye contact
- best part- my dad always took my brother and I to Dunkin Donuts afterwards

From L. Stoll:
I've never read anything so ignorant and offensive in my life. I guess because I'm halfway between your age and that of the old ones you're talking about. Life will do that to you. You have kids, the parts ar gonna droop. I'm old enough I already don't give a crap what I look like in a locker room--except when I read this hateful stuff that passes for humor. Is that what they are thinking, I wonder.

From Daniel Ronfeld:
Hilarious! The commonality that we have all too long ignored- our fascinations with naked altekochers and their habits. If chapter two is their willingness to pass gas at any time I will be happy to lend all too many personal experiences...

From Deedee Emm:
i have not had such a great laugh in years! and i used to cover my eyes with one hand and hold my mothers hand with the other. and another thing thats pretty bad is loehmanns dressing room on the day oif a sale. every jewish lady is there stripping and trying on clothes. oh man. i need to find a therapist.

From Chaya T.
That was hysterical, I had the female version of that trauma in my hometown JCC as well. To this day, old people nudity makes me nostalgic, and nauseous. Thanks for the laugh, Chaya

From John Levy
You had me laughing at my computer screen for the last 5 minutes reading that article! All those blocked memories are beginning to resurface... and it aint pretty! Back to therapy for me.
Thanks for the laugh! John

From Josh Solomon
Great reading

From Tisch Dude "Sigh" - thats the i-just-finished-laughing-my-butt-cheeks-inside-out sigh. kudos. we've all been through that JCC scene....and funny thing is i hadnt thought about it in years. i think ive been repressing. wheres my shrinks number again?....IG

From Moshe "Shtark"man
Dude, you are too funny!

From Hassid of No-One.
1. Remind me to never swim in any pool you've peed in.

From G. Gruntstien Isaac Galena is Carrie Bradshaw in Frum and the City