The Late Night Parsha Monologue: Toldos
This week Esav sells his birthright for a bowl of soup. Can you imagine if Yakov was a Soup Nazi?
The final words of the Old Testament would’ve been: NO. SOUP. FOR. YOU.
In exchange for the birthright, the Torah notes that Yakov gave Soup & BREAD to Esav. But bread was never originally mentioned as part of the deal. This either must be the ancient biblical source for restaurant’s complimentary bread, or Esav just complained to the manager.
Also this week: Isaac has to lie and say his wife is actually his sister to the King Avimelech . Isaac’s dad Avraham used the same exact line, to the same exact king! Does this king not take a hint? Let this be a lesson: about all aggressive dirty old men: To them: any girl saying “I have a boyfriend” , “I’m married” , “I’m pregnant!” must be a fake rejection line.
A famine happens and God visits Isaac telling him NOT to go to Egypt but that he’s still the one to become a great nation. Keep in mind God’s original promise to Abraham is that one of his kids will become a great nation,but only after they become slaves IN EGYPT. Can you imagine how relieving AF this must’ve been for Isaac? His whole life he’s been sorta half-hoping that he’s the one to become the great nation- but also not wanting to be some Egyptian minimum wage hired help.
Also this week – Jacob does the whole switcheroo thing by covering his body with animal skins. This must’ve been the hair-club-for-men of it’s day. Can you imagine the infomercial? “Hi there, are your smooth skinned arms making you lose your confidence at work and in the fields? Do you feel like a loser since you don’t have flowing arm and neck hair like Todd from Accounting? Well now there’s a solution that can bring all that manliness back: Goat Hair for Men. Your arms and neck will ooze with body hair that looks and feels just like real pubes. Oh and by the way – I’m not only the president. I’m also a client!”
Before the Parsha ends, Esav marries Ishmael’s daughter. Can you imagine such a beautiful lineage of evil yichus? This is like if The Joker decided to marry Lex Luthor’s daughter. I’m only sad that the Torah doesn’t give more details of their first kid: Dr.Adolf Haman Pharoah McAmalakite
Good night and good Shabbos!