10. Buy the sterling silver or glass lulav/esrog holder; have your name inscribed in gold on it with an esoteric passuk. The case should be 10-20 times as expensive as your lulav.

9. Take 8 hours to pickout your lulav. The longer it takes, the shtottier.  

8. Take out Pittum Insurance 

7. Lace up your lulav with 10-20 extraneous ties/egeds 

6. When you get called for the aliyah you bought on simchas torah, lain your own aliyah

5.  Buy 300 additional esrogs so that you can serve freshly squeezed “citron-ade” at breakfast

4. Your house-size succah should feature: full-size bed, AC, running water, plasma screen TV, and a chandelier (so says your succah interior decorator)

3. Succah goody-bags

2. Pay someone to whip with your aravos

1.  Backwards-blind-folded-one-handed-showing-35-columns simchat torah hagbah