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The Kosher Top 10
Top Ten Most Frequent "Delays" in Judaism
by The Bangitout Staff
10. The "Salt" Delay: Lots of shaking hand motions naturally followed by a slew of "NUs?"
9. The "Not Until 6:03pm" Delay: mincha-maariv delay suddenly makes shul bulletin the most entertaining magazine ever written
8. The "Did you get and Aliyah yet?" Delay: Simchat Torah, 500 people, 2 Torahs.
7. The "Shir Hamalos" Delay: Dessert ended 2 hours ago- pass out the benchers, before I pass out
6. The "Hashem Elokeichem Emes" Delay: Come on Rabbi!
5. The "Shul Announcements" Delay: 45 minutes of "Sisterhood" events.
4. The "Mohel Pre-Bris" Delay: Be smart. Take the time to wrap up another bagel
3. The "Scandalous Shul News" Delay: Absolutely no delay here.
2. The "When did we eat Meat?" Delay: Suddenly you're from Holland
1. The "Yichud Room" Delay: Justifiable
Readers Comments: To submit your own comments to this
list, please send an email to
submit@bangitout.com
: and include the title in the subject header. Include your name and location to
get credit! THANKS
From Alan Friedenberg, Baltimore,
MD
The "mi shebayrach" delay -
That 10 minute wait between aliyos; the shule could solve this by
charging $10 a name.
From David Staum:
With regard to #8, getting an aliyah on Simchat Torah, I got to say, I love being a Laivi! One of the first to the the kiddush. Ahhh, Shnapps & sponge cake!
From Batya, Pittsburgh, PA:
The "No Chometz Until the Kids Finish that $5 Box of Fruity's" Delay: It's a week after Pesach. The children are dying for chometz but you have
one open box and 2 more unopened boxes of these ever-lasting little Pesach
breakfast bombs because they liked them so much last year. And when they
finally finish the Fruity's, there's a box of Crispy-O's and (new to us this
year) Honey Flavored Crispy-O's. So when you've got $15 invested in Kosher
for Pesach breakfast cereal, they family can't afford to eat the chometzdig
stuff! (Why can't they just eat farfel with milk like WE did in the good old
days???!)
Great Website! Thanks
From Benji Fruhman
The Alyiah Delay - I will make Alyiah just as soon as ...........
From Anya Giloni Passaic, NJ
Unfortunately, what about the "Looking at the clock-Checking the calendar-How many minutes until Shabbos is over" delay?
From Mo
Krinch
The Minyan Delay: We only have 9 people so lets call everyone we know who is either sleeping (shacharis) or otherwise engaged and lay a guilt trip on them for saying No.
The Bangitout.com Delay: Waiting for your posts to show up three weeks later.
From Sharon Riemer
The Announcements Delay: This is the delay where the president of shul has his 15 seconds (I mean minutes) of glory. The president is required to speak and speak and speak. The kehilla is required to insert their own announcements. Although this may be a modern orthodox shul, there are some members of the kehilla who, believe it or not, will not eat until after daveening al pi halachah. So hurry it up with the annoucements already. Of course, the smart ones break away and make their own kiddush over some whiskey and have some noshe. But, not everyone is as smart as that.
The Chabad Kiddush Delay: Have you ever been a guest at a Chabad family's house? This is that inexplicable delay where the head of the house will not make kiddush between 6 and 7PM because of some reason that nobody seems to know the answer to, or so it seems. Like the announcements delay, some of us are hungry already.
The Shofar Delay: This is the delay where the children are brought into the shul by the teenagers to hear the shofar being sounded. If the kids are taking too long there is usually someone pointing to their watch saying, it is yontif, we need to get moving because we can't fast past chatzos. Like most Jewish delays, this too holds up eating.
The Photography Delay: This delay happens after the Chossen and Kallah emerge from the Yichud Delay. This is where the photographer must take 100 photos and make jokes with the Chossen, the Kallah, the parents, Bubbe, Zaide, the sisters and brothers, and every other relative. This holds up the mitzvah of dancing Lifnei HaKallah, although it miraculously does not hold up the mitzvah of eating.
The Jewish Standard Time Delay: This delay is not limited to the Frummer Velt. This delay shows that despite all our divisions, we really have a lot of achdus. This delay crosses all spectrums of the Jewish world: Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, etc. This delay can hold up a shul event, a social event, a chuppah, a bris, etc. Of course, this delay bothers the Yeki Jews a lot.
From Mike Edinger
I love your website heres a good one:
- The Shalach monos "wait here...unspoken: while I throw something
together, because I didn't expect you to give me" delay
-Obviously, the Succa "rain delay"
-OR Waiting for the "other" set of walls to traverse during the popular "wall
dances" for Seu Sheorim on Simchas Torah
From Alan M. Gersch
The 'peticha' delay: When someone forgets that they're supposed to be doing peticha (or have any other aliya...) V'hameivin yavin.
The "OZ delay": Getting out of shul Friday night takes longer than the actual davening did. (And that's not even including the hour outside of shul; v'kol hamarbeh harei zeh meshubach...)
From Adam Tyberg in Jersey
1. The West Side special - Waiting to get married
delay.
2. The Young Couple special- waiting to have kids
delay- insert your own heter here
3. The Shadchan delay- waiting to hear back about the
date.
4. The Teaneck apartments delay- waiting list
extraordinaire
5. The Noah's Ark Sunday night delay- waiting
endlessly for a table.
6. The engagement delay- waiting for the guy to pop
the question.
7. The Only Simchas.com delay-(most commonly asked
question on the posts) "where are the pics???"
8. The kiddush club delay- waiting for the rabbi to
finish his drasha.
9. The havdala delay- waiting for "ois"
10 The bangitout.com delay- waiting for your top ten
list to get posted!
From Ephraim Shapiro
Seen the common jewish delays-here's a few more:
-The anonymous rabbi called up to say a chuppah bracha who is cornerd in the back, slowly and non-chalantly tripping over people on his way to the front.
-Anyone ever order food in a kosher restaurant?
-(For the 'shtark' yu guys) Listening to static wind waiting breathlessly for the voice to come on - at least ten minutes after pressing play on the torah tape.
-Waiting for all the pictures to come through on onlysimchas :)
From Suri Grusgott
The post yom kippur break-fast delay: shul should be over the minute the fast ends.
From Alan Friedenberg
The "Seder" Delay: Just try and get everyone back to
the table after eating!
From Alan Friedenberg
Who can forget the classic scene in "The Frisco Kid" as Gene Wilder and Harrison Ford are watching the sun go down on Saturday night?
"Now?"
"Not yet!"
"Now?"
"Not yet!"
Obviously they didn't hold 45 minutes...
From Lane Myer
The "Anim Zemiros" Delay: Hey, can this kid sing hebrew any slower?
The "Friday Night - Shake the Rabbi's Hand" Delay: Can't there be a maximum shmooze limit? there are 500 people on line here!
The "Chupah" Delay: "Michubad with the fouth brocha, Rabbi Goldberg....Rabbi Goldberg?.... Is Rabbi Goldberg here?"
The "Page Number" Delay: And in the blue siddur it's page...ummm...uhhh.. anyone?
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