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The Kosher Top 10
Top Ten Signs Your Assistant Rabbi Isn't Ready For The Big Time
by
the weekly
bang staff
10. Constantly confuses "Baba Metzia" with "Baba Ganush"
9. When quoting Genesis, always throws in something about Phil Collins being an anti-semite
8. When asked a halachic question, responds "Now what would Encyclopedia Brown do?"
7. Cracks up every time he hears the word "Bereshit"
6.Constantly butting in line in front of kids to get to synagogue candy man
5. Can't remember who is after Grumpy when listing 12 sons of Yaacov
4. "Is tanning my skin one of the 39 melachos?"
3. The Parsha keeps changing, but his speech stays the same
2. Refers to Maimoinides as "Rambam Bigalo"
1. When it's time for the Rabbi's speech, he walks out
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From David
When making halachic decisions keeps referring to "Rav Artscroll"
Keeps peeking over the mechitzah
Keeps bidding on the kivudim instead of letting the members buy them for him
Offers to give a weekly shiur on love and dating to singles
He offers to sponor a kiddush, then asks for matching funds from the kiddush club
He's totally satisfied with his position and has no plans to plot a coup against the Chief Rabbi
From Anonymous
10) Frequently wears a tye-dye "puff the kosher dragon" t-shirt.
9) Does the "kiss the sky" gesture evey time he's called for an aliyah.
8) Plays "enforcer" position for shul's ice hockey team.
7) Gives his parsha shiur straight off Gush website printout.
6) Always makes funny faces behind Rabbi during Sermons.
5) He's single and lives with 2 female roomates he went to JTS with.
4) Led youth chanuka party through rousing rendition of Adam Sandler's "hanuka song" while consuming gin+tonika and marijuanika.
3) When Rabbi is away his pre-mussaf sermon goes, "I think we've prayed enough today, shul dismissed! let's kiddush!"
2) Often consults magic 8-ball when answering halachic questions.
1) He constantly flirts with the congregants - on his side of the mechitzah
From Danny Farkas: Here's a few more:
-Keeps getting the Artscroll and Soncino page numbers mixed up
-Has to be woken up during layning to say the tefilah for Israel
-He's "out" on day 2 of sefira
-Can't remember if it's the 3 weeks and the 9 days, or was it the 9 weeks and the 3 days...
-His fly's open during the drashah
From Anonymous: More Top Ten Signs Your Assistant Rabbi Isn't Ready For The Big Time:
10. Thinking it was Purim, he comes to shul on Yom Kippur dressed up as a
clown.
9. Comes back from the kiddush club drunk and smelling of herring.
8. When getting an aliyah, he goes up to the Torah with a linear
transliterated Artscroll siddur.
7. He’s tone deaf and can’t play guitar.
6. Has trouble keeping saliva in his mouth when pronouncing a “Chet.”
5. Every shiur he gives makes no sense, but ends with, “and we should be
zoche to see the mashiach, bimheira v’yamainu, amen!”
4. He’s 55 years old, was a car mechanic in his previous vocation, and rides
a pick up truck (Can you say, “Uncle Jessie”)
3. When a frum congregant asks an in-depth question about Rabbeinu Tam’s
teffilin, he replies, “That’s very personal, please tell Rabbeinu Tam I
would like to speak with him about it.”
2. He sometimes gets confused and refers to Israel as the land of “Busser
v’Chalev.”
1. He’s not related to the rabbi.
From Yisroel G.
Politely asks congregants to refer to him as "Your Majesty"
His motto: Shake a hand, do a shot
Fails to use atleast two made-up English words in speech
Thinks "Deutoronomy" is surfer slang for science
Starts Yom Tov speech with "Anyone got a light?"
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