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The Kosher Top 10
Top 50 Signs you went to Camp Ramah in California
by
Matt Rutta
1. You waited for the Director to put his hashgacha
on Stir Crazy and Ojai Ice Cream just so you could go to them during your
off time
2. It is the only camp without a lake, but you didn’t
care
3. You are jealous of the campers and counselors in the
brand new Gesher bunks
4. If you are from somewhere outside of Los Angeles, you
get made fun of. Out-of-state or out-of-country, you are made fun of for 4
straight weeks.
5. You decided to leave camp after Shacharit and go 100
miles each way to Los Angeles just to pick up Pico Kosher Deli for lunch.
6. Tuesday means crap for breakfast and lunch, but
barbeque for dinner, Wednesday means cardboard pizza, Thursday means
chocolate croissants, Shabbos means chocolate muffins, deviledeggs, taco
salad, and deadly vegetarian chulent
7. You put the yellow salad dressing on absolutely
everything, regardless of how disgusting the final product might be
8. You wake up early daven on your own because of the
damn liberal “west coast conservative” people.
9. There is always an epidemic of something
10. Ditching kitot is the law of the land
11. If you are in Abirim, you feel inferior to Nitzanim
because you are NOT A REAL EDAH!
12. Maccabiah is always the hottest and
nastiest-weathered day of the session and Visitor’s Day is a close
second
13. Where else could you have Winter Camp?
14. You aren’t scared of the guy who owns a shotgun to
shoot bears and a hoe to kill snakes but you are scared of the guy with
the blue SUV (please don’t kill me…)
15. You get so much exercise climbing up and down The
Hill dozens of times each day.
16. The Nutritionist is actually an evil person who came
up with less nutritious and more “yummy” (read: fatty and carb-filled)
foods.
17. You can’t tell the Hispanic Catholics from the
Israelis in the kitchen, as neither wear kippot.
18. Four words: Far West Shabbos Mincha
19. The last Friday afternoon of each session you fear
for your lives as Machon comes back from Tza’adah and gives out Mud-
Hugs.
20. Everyone puts peanut butter in their ice cream at
Shalosh Seudos.
21. “No smoking, absolutely no smoking, positively no
smoking,shavuah tov!”
22. The only people in the entire camp with Ruach are in
Machon. No one else cares!
23. Actively protesting the camp bureaucracy is the only
way to get things done
24. Being a member of the Break-Fast Club is a thing to
be proud of
25. People recognize Mador as being not a paying job,
but as slave labor
26. “What are those things? Fleas?”
27. You will kill anyone for starting “We’ve got
Ruach, Yes we do!” but “Yibaneh HaMikdash”, “There once was a
wizard” and “Hipza Zooza” are perfectly acceptable
28. You have participated in a doubles tennis tournament
to win the Kiddish Cup, which if you win, you get a green luggage tagthat
wins you a soda from Coach
29. Where the winning team on Maccabiah is not Kachol,
Lavan, Adom, or Yarok; it’s Team Day Off!
30. You don’t trust that eruv. OR: Wait, we can’t
hike any further this way or we will have left the eruv. Why are we hiking
on Shabbos, anyway?
31. The hand movements for birkat hamazon.
32. Getting in trouble for sneezing “zechut!” during
Birkat Hamazon
33. “Zeh Lo Mekubal! Ain “Whoop-dee-doo”
b’birkat hamazon!”
34. Former Gesher counselors with their weak attempts to
include Gesher in Rad Hayom (Taps will never be the same…)
35. Getting caught in the middle of the night in one of
the Amphitheatre changing rooms
36. “The man in the moon is my friend. The man in the
moon is my friend. I don’t know why! I don’t know why” and the rest
gets
garbled. My favorite is “He must go to Camp Ramah in Ojai”
37. Even though we go there all the time, the location
is as mysterious as Area 51.
38. Guessing the theme of the Az Ich Vil Zingen at
Shabbos Dinner or the Yismechu at Shabbos lunch
39. All of our Edah songs have dirty hand movements and
sound effects, particularly the “Unh!” of Abirim, Giborei Yisrael,
40. No matter how many years ago it was, if you were in
Nitzanim, David Ross told you the Sharman story and you had
nightmares that night.
41. Bunk bonding activity: urinating on the burned-out
car near on the lonely bench hike above the Gesher bunks
42. Everyone wished they were on Zach Israel’s Yarok
team for Maccabiah because he is the coolest person EVER!
43. “We love Shmaltz points!” as the number one song
at camp, according to Coach
44. Smashing a hard-boiled egg over someone’s face or
putting numerous packets of salt into one’s food when they weren’t
looking
led to swift and painful retaliation
45. The two easiest places to fall asleep are on the
staff lounge couches or during Rabbi Dan’s Friday night Tish (it’s not
that they were boring, it’s just that we’re tired on Friday nights
from not being off all day Friday)
46. handshakes, high fives, and even hugs are ALWAYS
followed up by the Soul Punch (for the uninitiated, when two people’s
clenched right fists come into contact with each other)
47. Without anyone even asking, you know what meals to
get 30 slices of bread and peanut butter and jelly (hint, hint, potato and
cheese quiche)
48. The older the edah you work with, the closer you get
to real t’filot, but you are never yotzei anything.
49. If you have a staff brat in your bunk or tent, you
can bet they will go to their parent’s room any damn time they please,
most
likely during times when you are counting them.
50. Camp Ramah in California: the JAPiest Place on Earth
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From
Matt Rutta
EVEN MORE (Many more!) signs you went to Camp Ramah in California
1. First of all, Matan is much more muscular than I am
2. You got all of your left shoes stolen on the
penultimate day of camp and placed in the middle of the hill by other staff
members.
3. Ojai is such a small town that it doesn’t even have a
CitiBank, yet it is large enough to have two Day Spas that are
frequented by many staff members on their days off, except for Madors as
their salaries would barely pay for a back rub.
4. Some Madors give back their measly paycheck so the
summer will count as their required 30 hours of community service at
Milken. One person worked out 30 hours at about 37 cents, but in order for
it to qualify they have to give back all of the money.
5. We work at camp even though all of our friends who are
working at Blockbuster and as bagboys are making ten times what we
make, we still come back (and aren’t kids more important than groceries or
un-rewound tapes? Shouldn’t that be reflected in paychecks?)
6. It is my opinion that the lack of a lake increases the
sexual drive of everyone at camp. Don’t ask me why!
7. It’s funny to note that so many of the ancient Ramah
families from our parents’ generation were formed as a result of CCRs.
8. As of September, everyone’s AOL/AIM Profiles and Away
Messages express how much they miss Camp Ramah.
9. Your director won the Gold Medal for swimming in the
Maccabi Games in Israel and almost went to the Summer Olympics on
the Israel Team
10. You have seen that ugly Paul Frank monkey in all sorts
of situations (braces, eating an orange, et al.)
11. It may be all the way out in Ojai, California, but
most of your Rashei Edah live in New York City.
12. Only in our Chadar Ochel would you have Mar Milon and
an epic battle between Captain Hook and Peter Pan during the same meal
13. An actual Yom Meuchad (Special Tuesday) last summer:
Yom Neshama Carlebach
14. Café Ezra on Thursday Nights
15. The resource room out of resources, the staff computer
room with no working computers, the staff lounge with the VCR/DVD Player
taken… grr…
16. Watching the death of a rattlesnake is an exciting
event meant for bonding with your bunk.
17. From the Summer of 2002: Salmon Staff Shabbos
(“it’s not pink; it’s salmon”)
18. No matter the age of your kids, on Shabbos you let
them do whatever while you shluf under the willow trees on The Hill
19. The most hellish bunk in camp (Bunk 7, 1st session,
you know who you are!) ends up being perfect little angels as it raises
a baby sparrow for the last few days of camp.
20. The person with the dirtiest mouth in the entire camp
is not a camper; it’s the Assistant Director
21. People who never went to staff class just needed to
make up two at the end of the session. However, I ended up going to at least
10.
22. What was with that yellow watermelon during Banquet of
first session
23. When Cardboard Pizza became Silver Platter Pizza, the
entire world was changed
24. “5…4…3…2…1…Bombardment!”
25. Set, Shesh-Besh, and Family Business are the best
games to play under the staff trees on Shabbos afternoon.
26. Sometimes you think that the Machonis are more mature
than some of the Madorniks
27. Poor clueless Gesher campers, not knowing that their
lives are in danger when Machon comes back from Tzaadah
28. What ever happened to wearing garbage bags on the day
that Machon returns from Tzaadah
29. Playing shower trivia with impossibly difficult Talmud
Trivia… with 9-year olds
30. Getting told off because you start a chant in the
chadar “that is so last year”
31. There are maximum of three computers for the 250 staff
members.
32. Since when was Banquet supposed to be like Purim
without the Megillah Reading?
33. You heard about the Plague that spread around camp a
few years ago and you are chillingly reminded of it as you eat your
chulent
34. The assistant director forbids Peulot Erev that
involve talent shows because “kids have no talent!”
35. There is a tally kept in the Marp for people who drop
a bench on their foot while wearing open-toed shoes. Suprisingly, there are
many tick-marks on this list
36. Ivrit, Ivrit, Ivrit Daber Ivrit Hey La La La La La La,
La La La La La La, La La La La La La, La La La La La, Ivrit, Ivrit,
Ivrit Daber Ivrit Hey!
37. Torah Bibly!
38. For attempting to do a portion of Far West Mincha
outside of the Far West Region, you get blacklisted for leading services for
an entire month.
39. The campers thought camp was too religious for them
and there were too many services (oooh, a twenty minute shacharit once
a day…) when they have no idea how comparatively scary the real world is
outside of Camp and Southern California.
40. You are well versed in the rules of Freeze, including
such variations that include Remote Control Freeze (Stop, Pause, Rewind,
Fast Forward, Slow Motion, Mute, Volume Up/Down, Power On/Off), and
Malleable Freeze (when you put the kids and whatever they happen to be
holding in interesting positions, ie: pitchers about to spill, their finger
in PB&J, or weird sword poses)
41. When it comes to warming up the Chadar, there’s
nothing like a cheer by DB and Josh Cohen
42. Why do people always think they can successfully raid
the canteen? It’s impossible; some random person is always standing guard
there at night for some reason.
43. Nobody really knows when he or she is supposed to be
“on” so everyone assumes they are always “off” (give the kids a
schedule and let them survive a day).
44. The place where fifty Sollelim campers could sneak
past 100 staff members at the staff Oneg on Friday night and remain
undetected until midnight in the lighted areas of The Hill as we are
dog-piling on top of each other in the GaGa Court
45. Where GaGa is considered to be a sport.
46. Mi Sheberach for the Cholim is not just for ill
friends and family. Sports players on the DL (ie: Fred McGriff), with legal
trouble (ie: Kobe Bryant, Chris Webber), and for some strange reason other
people’s deceased childhood pets are also mentioned.
47. A Courtesy Flush is considered a Mitzvah G’dolah
48. Certain campers wear the same clothes for an entire
week and assume that nobody else notices. This is true of some campers from
the youngest to oldest edot.
49. Some people bring their own shower heads from home
because they can’t stand the water pressure.
50. Some people claim to be Orthodox, just so they don’t
have to wear a tallis (They don’t even wear a Tallit Kattan)
51. Every time you see a pitcher of water at a restaurant
you begin to reminisce about how you used to get yelled at by Miriam
and Shai for putting silverware in the plastic pitchers during clean-up.
52. As you have dinner with a fellow former staff member
at Dougie’s (as you talk about camp), you consider raising your empty
pitcher to have it refilled before realizing that doing so is incredibly
rude in the real world
53. Three words which change everyone’s life: Stack And
Pass (or for breakfast Pass And Toss)
54. You find out at the end of the session that there was
an 8 year old girl in your edah that had a cell phone hidden at the bottom
of her luggage and that she was secretly calling her mom every single night;
and she was told to lie about her birthday.
55. Only in your bunk/tent are all of the ADD/ADHD kids on
“Medication Vacations”
56. Some of your staff activities included: Frat Party
(with Root Beer Pong), Sushi Making, Moon bounce, Cotton Candy, Snow Cones,
Sumo Wrestling, Pool Tournaments, Family Guy marathon, Sex in the City
premiere/Dedication of the Staff Lounge, Talent Show, Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf
Rental Truck, Square Dancing, Dance party with a blow-up doll in the house
in the Orange Grove.
57. “No Smoking” is not really that much of a big deal
because you lambaste and make fun of your kids all the time, except this
time it is in front of the rest of the Edah.
58. You just know that those cute kids in the Gan will end
up being annoying staff brats soon.
59. There is an underground smuggling ring of In-n-Out
Burger (20 miles away in Ventura) into the camp.
60. People go thrifting for clothing for banquet at such
politically incorrect places such as “The Retarded Children’s Thrift
Shop” and “The Battered Women’s Thrift Shop”
61. You or someone you know bought a whole living room set
at a thrift shop for about $5 just to keep on their porch for the summer.
How many La-Z-Boys get given away to thrift shops, anyway, because Tzevet
Machane Ramah sure buys a whole lot?
62. One thing you find out is that little kids listen to
practically everything you say.
63. Anything you have to yell at your kids about is always
blamed on the Rosh Edah (ie: I want you to run around barefoot, but the Rosh
said that you had to wear shoes on hikes…)
64. Machon’s pranks are sometimes so ingenious, I think
they could use some of them to take over a small country.
65. As the only Ramah not under the direct auspices of the
Jewish Theological Seminary, we have a certain disregard for the whole
“Jewish thing”.
66. When we are away from camp during an off season, staff
members stick together to avoid having to come into too much contact with
the outside world.
67. You create a support group to wean yourself off of
camp with other camp members, knowing full well that seeing them makes the
task even more difficult.
68. Some people love and miss camp so much, that they
compile a list of humorous identifying traits of people who worked there.
69. You find out afterwards, that random campers and staff
members check out Bangitout.com
70. What can I say? Ein Od Makom BaOlam K’Machane Ramah!
From Ramahfia:
You know you're at Camp Ramah in CA when...
You beat the snot out of Rutta on the first shabbos of staff week, even
though he is twice your weight
no one ever goes to the organized saturday night activity, and go to club
fingerhut instead.
when a kid offers to sell a body part for extra canteen
when someone is stupid enough to lend his car out to Israelis without
insurance or a license.
when Linder backs into a wall on the first day
when a tzophimer takes his day off to participate in Maccabiah and still
gets last place
when every year at least one camper breaks his arm grass-boarding because
his counselor is too lazy to come outside and do his job of watching the
kids
when cool = goofy
or cool = usy
or carrows = nightly
and everything is "amazing" or "awesome" or grrrrreat
when basketball is your life and the life of the director
when the RBA starts out with fifty participants, but disintegrates down to a
three on three game by second session
When counselors can’t drive into camp because of safety issues, but on
board day you have ferraris screaming around turns at eighty mph
When every counselor’s dream is to one day be sgan rosh and go to a
hanhallah meeting
When every year without fail, at least 2000 dollars worth of stuff is stolen
from tzophim and machon during their overnight
when half the staff won’t do their job or show up to things cause they are
reading the new harry potter book
And last but not least…
Despite all of these terrible things, you come back every year without fail.
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