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The Kosher Top 10
Top 10 Ways to Spot a Baal(at) Teshuvah
by
Eli
10. Hebrew pronunciation sounds about 70% yeshivish; he just can't shake the other 30% that he learned in Reform Hebrew school.
9. (Tie for 9th) He forgets to remove his earring before shul and you can see it under his Hamburg.
OR
She wears stockings and sneakers, but forgot to remove her ankle bracelet and tatoo before going out in public.
7. On Shabbos, before he makes his plans for Saturday night, he prefaces them with "nisht Shabbos gebrokhts".
6. The person quickly corrects you when you refer to him/her as "Charlie" or "Nicole", giving you a new phonetically unrelated name like "Baruch" or "Rivka Miriam".
5. He is yotzei "all shittos" by wearing a bekish, gartel, light blue shirt, streimel (over a kippah serugah), and a Tallis with techeles.
4. He types his English e-mails on Chol Hamoed from right to left so that he is writing them with a "shinui".
(tied for 2nd) He tells you that he doesn't trust the local Eruv, so he wears his Talis home from shul. But, unfortunately, he forgot that he is holding the empty Talis bag and pushing a stroller.
(tied for 2nd) He tells you that he doesn't trust the local Eruv, so he wears his Talis home from shul. But, unfortunately, he forgot that it's Thursday.
1. At a Shalom Zachar, everyone else pours only half of a bottle of beer into flimsy plastic cups, he is drinking straight from the bottle.
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From Avraham Greenhut, Brooklyn,NY
To whom it may concern :
I enjoy your website greatly; however I must say that the "10 ways to spot a Baal Teshuva" was in incredibly poor taste . A Jews ignorance of Yiddishkeit is never humorous
and is not something that should be exploited for a few cheap laughs. Ask yourself this question.... If one Jew doing Teshuva comes across Eli's post, reads it, and walks away feeling a sense of hopelessness that they will never be accepted by the Frum world, were the few laughs that were generated as valuable as pushing another Jew deeper into the sheol of galut . If your answer is yes I pray that Hashem grants you the wisdom to see what a disservice you are doing to Am Yisrael and the Clal.
Eli:
Is your top" 10 ways to spot a Ball Teshuva" supposed to be funny? Perhaps you should go back and brush up on the laws of Loshan Hora,
I think the Chofetz Chaim would be thoroughly disgusted with you . Perhaps you should brush up on your Mishna studies,
remember in in Bava Metzia where it stresses that you should not remind a fellow Jew of their former wrong doings.
Your comments are divisive and keep us from our Geula.
There are enough reasons why Baal Teshuvas struggle in their tefillah and performance of Torah Mitzvot
do they really need your insensitive and deafeningly stupid comments to push them further away from Hashem.
I would love to talk to you face to face,
please call me at (718) 909-7290 lets set up a time and a place to sit down and chat maybe you can explain the virtues of being "Frummer than thou".
From Erica Prince MD
They say Hanukkah instead of Chanukah.
From Melech Peltz Eugene, OR
He always explains how much nachos his parents are getting from his spiritual awakening
He is always talking about how becoming frump has changed his life. Now he's finally going to grow peyote, you know those sideburn things.
He tells you he has finally decided to become shomer negillah.
He is the only one not talking/shushhing everyone during davening.
Things that most people say in Hebrew/Yiddish, they say in English i.e. Women's Section for Ezrat Nashim; Responsa for Shootim, Of Blessed Memory instead of ZT"L, etc. because they are too embarrassed they'll mess up the Hebrew
From Frieda Shor:
11. So far, you have eaten at every family in the community's house for Shabbos, except for Shmerel, the Central Park Bench Sleeper.
12. You are so inspired by the Rabbi's speech about the Parsha, u weep openly, nose secretions all over, with the intermittent hiccup, and shout "Bimhayra Biyameinu Amein!!!" seventy three minutes before he is done.
13. You are so taken by the purity of the Rabbi's home and his wife's serene temperament and shy smile, you ask for her cell number "for guidance".
14. When you find out that number thirteen doesnt work(she is a BT too--yikes--black belt in karate--ow), you gaze adoringly at the doe-like eyes of the Rabbi's daughter, Genendel. Age: 8.
15. You learn about being misameach chassan vikallah, and are so overcome by the mitzvah, you decide to do "hidur mitzvah"--i.e. running into the womens' section to be misameach the kallah(who is red and weeping...Seeeee????Shes so happy!!!!) by juggling fire. Then u have a Michael Jackson moment. It's on video. But thats okay because 1. U are told the hair may grow back, elbeit on your elbow. 2. No one will know because video watching is assur. 3. Its okay, u tell all, its a PAKKARA.
16. When theres an "appeal" in shul, and the fast verbal volleyball is making your head spin and you get are getting anxious and are losing your peaceful aura, u sit down on the floor near the bimmah, assume the lotus position, medidate with a steady "Ohhhmmmmm" and repeat your mantra, "I will not allow my inner child to be disturbed by outside mayhem...I will not allow my inner child to be disturbed by outside mayhem..." ad infinitum.
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