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The Kosher Top 10
Top Ten Ways to Scare Your Guests During the High Holidays
by
Shmuel Breban
10) "We dip the apple in the beehive itself".
9) "You don't mind sleeping in a coffin; just like they did in the desert!"
8) "We would've invited last years' guests back as well, but..."
7) "Yeah, we dress our pets in white as well".
6) "We don't feed our fish on Yom Kippur either... we just replace them the day after".
5) After some food falls on the floor during Yom Kippur, invoke the "5-second rule".
4) Rosh Hashanah activity: bobbing for apples in honey.
3) "We'll wake you up for shul at 8... with the shofar" (disclaimer: don't actually go do this, it's halachically problematic. Oh, and don't do the first 7 either).
2) "Want to learn during the break?"
1) On Rosh Hashanah, count down from 10 at midnight (note: make sure to start the countdown 10 seconds before midnight).
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From frieda shor
1. Regale them with stories of last years' 12 guests, that coincidentally all died in the New Year-one for each month.
2. Refer back to number 1, and after all have eaten the warm chicken, whisper the word, "Salmonella"???
3. Make them eat sweet bread without telling them what meat it is, then explain to them the following when they r licking their lips clean, " May we have a very cerebral year, for we have just eaten cows brains." (Note from Martha Stewart: Keep a barf bag nearby.)
4. When a group of non religious teens come over for Sukkos, make only the female teenage guests sleep in the Sukkah, invite ur male friends over, and decide which ones are worth kiruv work.(The blondie with the dimple as opposed to Goth girl who spent some time in prison for having her boyfriend's car bashed with a baseball bat until it looked like a matchbox car.)(And that was only because he cheated on u : changed over from being a Mets fan to being a Yankees fan.)
5. Wear "Scream" masks when u wake them up for breakfast and coffee Sukkos morning.(We are referring to the group in number four, of course.)
6. Tell them that by fasting an additional day after Yom Kippur, not only will all their sins for sure be wiped away, yet they will beat David Blaine's record of fasting.(Okay, so he was hanging from a box above London. Big deal. They r hanging between life and death. Same diffference.)
7. Tell them u mixed up holidays and the only thing on the menu is marror.
8. Inform them that you are on a cleansing fast to release the unfriendly toxicities in your system, ergo, the only beverage they will be drinking is Wheat Grass juice, and the only food they will be eating is watermellon rind.
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