10. Its only a month after succah-hopping and a Jewish mother would never let her kid be such a schnorrer again so soon.

9. Jewish kids get home too late from Yeshiva and have too much homework to go trick-or-treating. And its a bitch to get out of mishmar.

8. How can you waste perfectly good eggs on a “trick”?

7. Jewish kids would never be satisfied with a “fun-sized” chocolate bar. And what’s so damn fun about about 2 bites of chocolate anyway? Remember those huge candy bars you could get at Hershey Park? Now that’s what I call fun sized!

6. Orange really does not look good against our Semitic skin.

5. Jews don’t eat pumkin. They just don’t.
(note: Butternut Squash or Tzimmes is as fluorescent as we get)

4. We are haunted by guilt, not ghosts.

3. Jews have Purim, anyway. And I’ll take booze over candy any day.

2. Rugelach and apple strudel don’t travel well in those plastic jack-o-lanterns.

1. We just scare way too easily.

Please send all comments, questions, and phone numbers to Dina Malka

Readers Comments: SUBMIT

From Frieda shor:
11. Chalav Stam issues.
12. They don't know who their neighbors are--and they have been living on the same block for two decades.
13. Not sure if the neighbor is Chassidish or Litvish, ergo, maybe, it might be a problem, different minhagim, hechsherim, rabbanim, beliefs....
14. Jack O Lantering is mamish bal tashchis. (That squash could have been an ingredient for your mother in law's kugel, that everyone throws out when she's not looking anyhow.)
15. Putting makeup on a boy is the issur of "begged isha". Putting makeup on a young girls is giving her bad ideas( " I wanna be Britney Spears when I grow up.) Smelling salts, please.
16. After eating chulent for dessert on Friday night, and looking as if he is due to give birth like, yesterday, he will ask the neighbors for Tums--thats all he wants--Tums. Doesn't pay. Neighbors think its some sort of drug, and before you know it, are reporting him to the Narcotics division of th NYPD.
17. He is of shidduchim age, and thinks Purim's "ad dilo yada..." has to do with sugareditems...eats so much that when the shadchan asks what size he is the following week, he lisps(Its the Fixodent.)(Dont ask) "Elephantine???"

From Ephraim Shapiro:

"Your childhood mind can't even comprehend such a thing. Everyone we know is giving out candy??? - Jerry Seinfeld

Mental note: whats the big deal? I have yet to see a holiday or special occasion where jews don't give out candy...

From Dov Wasserman:

Getting candie from neighbors for free: good. Selling candy to neghbors for profit (before Pesach): better. (Now if we could only move Pesach to just after Halloween...)

What, and ruin 3 years of already-paid-for orthdonontia?!

Too closely associated with "Mischief Night": not for a nice Jewish boy or girl. Make it Kerchief Night and you'd get the Borough Park vote.

Bad associations of seeing people dress up in white sheets trying to scare you.

We used to. But the neighborhood kids stopped coming around for box of old rasins and stale buckser.

When I was a boy, if I wanted a piece of candy, I had to mow 14 lawns and shovel 7 driveways first! (Alternate: learn 14 mishnayos and layn 7 parshios)

What, less than a month before Thanksgiving? I have no more room in this kitchen!

From Jessica Russak:

More reasons Jews don't celebrate Halloween:


-Friends in Boro Park would fight over who gets to dress up like the Rebbe this year.
-Too many kids would be reading candy ingredients and saying, "Well, it doesn't say that there's gelatin in it!"
-Instead of "Trick or Treat" we'd end up saying, "I don't want to bother you, but if you could spare some of that candy, I would be soooo grateful. Thank you sooo much."
-Paegan holidays just ain't our thing, know what I mean?

From Bonnie Goldberg
That bright pink hair spray doesn't shampoo out easily from a shaitel.