10. Ask anyone watching football why they’d care about a bunch of grubbe shgotzim running around like vilde chayas

9. Pour about 8 cups of oil on some old challah and call it stuffing (that’s good eatin’!)

8. 3 words- sweet potato knishes

7. Ask why anyone would want to put a tasteless vegetable like pumpkin in a pie when there are perfectly decent fruits like apples, cherries and blueberries in this world

6. Watch the parade and marvel at how “attrective” that Katie Couric was, even with all her tzuris, nebach

5. Claim that a nice salami sandwich on rye was an absolutely acceptable pre-dinner “sneck”

4. Swear to her daughters and granddaughters that her rugelach were absolutely permissible on Weight Watchers

3. Slip each of her grandchildren a $20, making each one promise not to tell Zaidy, who would later slip each a $10 (ok, this one isn’t specific to Thanksgiving, but damn, I miss my grandparents)

2. Bless this country, to which she would be forever grateful for providing her with assylum from Nazis, a comfortable life, and a jacuzzi, never mind indoor plumbing

1. Finish doing the dishes and start all over again, cooking for shabbos

Please send all comments, questions, and phone numbers to Dina Malka