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The Kosher Top 10

Signs You're From Jewish Baltimore
From the Quintessential Baltimoron, Steve Goloskov

- Your grandparents know all of your friends grandparents because they used to live down the street from them in the old neighborhood.

- You know that every church in Lower Park Heights used to be a shul.

- All Shabbos afternoon, you debated with your friends whether you should go to Tov Pizza or Kosher Bite on Motzei Shabbos. Most of us just hung out by the driveway that separated the two (see The Jewish 80s).

- Early Shabbos in the summer is always at 7, no matter where you daven (plag, what's plag?).

- I swear, Shomrei just needs to buy one more house and they'll finally build a new building. No really, they mean it this time.

- You remember when the building that is now Kosher Bite was a crab restaurant, and always wondered if the spices they put on their fries were left over from the crab joint.

- Saturday and Sunday nights at Kosher Bite was always "train the new non-english speaking immigrant night".

- You understand (and even cringe) at the term "One bite up!" Is that an Iranian beard hair in my onion rings?

- You always "made it O'Fishel".

- You remember TA basketball before Tamir was around.

- Every other car is a 12-15 passenger van (usually the Ford Club Wagon) or an Olds Custom Cruiser station wagon (or a GM derivative thereof, 5 dents minimum, with a rear window that is stuck half-way down) with an "I Love Tov Pizza", "Don't worry, it's almost Shabbos" and a "Maven Motors" sticker on the bumper. If Lubavitch, replace the Tov Pizza sticker with a "Don't worry, Moshiach is coming!" bumper sticker.

- Maven Motors -- "Friends don't let friends drive junk".

- You know at least 20 couples (minimum) who live in Pickwick, and another 20 who live at the FountainJew.

- You know what the FountainJew is.

- You've always viewed Cross Country Manor as just an extension of the Ner Israel Campus Residential Housing (albeit 6 miles away).

- You couldn't wait until you turned 18 so Barak would let you into Players Club (another extension of Ner Israel).

- You can name every store that has occupied what is now National Wholesale Liquidators at the Plaza (Stewarts, Caldor, Zayres, Caldor again.....).

- You know which Plaza I'm referring to.

- You remember when it was safe to go there.

- You understand the joke - Q: What's the quickest way from Israel to Africa? A: Reisterstown Road.

- You can spell Reisterstown with ease (see above).

- You know that Staples used to be Shapiros. You remember when Shapiros had a 2nd location in Randallstown.

- You used to go to Grey Rock (the monastery that was in the woods) late Saturday night, and always freak people out by turning off your headlights and pretending your car stalled.

- For the real Baltimorons, you were secretly jealous of the kids in the Kim's Karate commercial ("nobody bodas me, nobody bodas me eida")

- Cow tipping

- Teen Torah Center

- You spent every Purim during your high school years either passed out on the Lowenbraun's front lawn or in the parking lot at Ner Israel.

- You always davened Mincha/Maariv with a minyan during the 7th inning stretch at every Orioles home game.

- Saturday nights at Northwest Ice Skating Rink.

- You remember (and still run into occasionally) the guy who hung out at Dunkin Donuts 24/7 who thought he was Moshiach, and handed out "Moshiach for President" business cards. Some of you may remember his sidekick, Al Benesch.

- Everybody used to live in Randallstown.

- Last but not least, PHOTON!

Please send all comments, questions, and phone numbers to Steve Goloskov

Readers Comments: SUBMIT

From Chevy

From Dave
You remember Jeff Legum and Park Circle Chevrolet at Park Heights and Reisterstown Rd...."The Little Profit Dealer"

You remember sleeping in Droodle Park during the summer months.

You remember when MonDawMin Mall was safe to go to.

From Highvoltage106@aol.com:
YOU KNOW THE GUY THAT WORX THE LATE NITE SHIFT AT DUNKIN DOUGHNUTS HAS SIX FINGERS ON ONE OF HIS HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Elliot Lasson:
You remember the Kibbutz Room on Reisterstown Road

you remember the Sabra Room which was a walk-in closet with tables (and you were able to see the customers of the sleezy Boxwood motel on the way to your car)

you lament the fact that Baltimore is just SO big that people "don't know each other any more"

the best guys from TA and girls from Bais Yaakov attended Bnai Akiva (now they're all living in Beit Shemesh or Ranaana)

when Belmar bakery was the best in town and was even open for Pesach one year

you remember when TA had an annual Yom Haatzmaot ceremony

prior to Shalom Baltimore, Rabbi Max was a DJ and pitchman for Edmart

when "L'Chaim's" consisted of just a shot of whiskey, instead of the stuffy ceremony that screws up our Sundays which everyone feels "obligated" to attend

before the money talked, and the Star-K was actually a local Vaad Hakashrus

at TA, Mr. Reich would tell you to turn to page 9 in your "bencherals" for benching (wonder why "bencheral" never really caught on)

you remember when the JCC had a cafeteria that served kosher food (why do we always think of the food?)

A store called "Kosher Express" advertises their grand opening and goes out of business before the doors opened

you have framed and hung your BTL in your law office

when the TA basketball team was called the "Fighting Davids"

you refer to the yeshiva as "Ner Israel" (New Yorkers call it Ner Yisroel)

there was once more than one person in town who would pasken shailahs and give shiurim in Halacha

you have a diploma from the Hebrew Parochial School

you lament the fact that Baltimore is SO big, that people "just don't know each other anymore"

you remember when people got married and settled here, and actually went to the MVA to get a MD license plate (now, Tati in Flatbush is still paying the lease and insurance)

when people first were employed and could support themselves, and then got married

the Where, What, When is how you are informed about current events

you remember when there was just one or two shaitel machers in town

Goldman's would give kids a free chocolate-top cookie for free, rather than the broken crap that they give now, reluctantly

when you wonder why people have to go to an Upper West Side website to post stuff about Baltimore From Marlene Spector Horwitz
You know you are from Baltimore if . . .
--you remember sledding down McDonough Road Hill during the snow storms
--you know the old McDonough Road I am talking about
--it was safe to say, that all of your friends' grandparents lived on Park Heights Avenue
--you remember hanging out at HoJo's
--you know what corner that was on.
--You remember when exit 19 on 695 sign said "Future"
--Seven Mansions (Greyrock)
--You remember when the McCormick building was imploded, and you had tears in your eyes
--you love marshmellow on your snowballs, REAL snowballs

From Melissa Greenfeld:
You remember when there was a Carvel in Randallstown.
You remember when there was a Toy town in Randallstown.
You remember before there was ever a 795.


From Sheryl Sober:
You could not concentrate on the SAT's because it was the one time the BY girls and TA boys were allowed to be together without a mechitzah.

You made your sister telephone the girl you liked whose parents would not let her talk to boys.

You listened to Prophecy and Crack the Sky.

You remember when the NCSY Chanukah Concert was still held in the Sagner Auditorium.

When you were little, you got shoes from Mr. Lee who had a handlebar moustache and gave out pretzel logs. Girls got their clothes from the pushy ladies at the Debbie Shop. Mom and Grandma shopped at Hoschild Kohns, Hutzlers, Stewarts and Max Margolis for Dad.

You rode yellow Conjour busses on class trips to the Naval Academy or Sherwood Gardens... or to Milldale Camp-where the whole family went swimming on Sundays. Or, if you were well behaved, you went with your grandparents to The Mercantile, Suburban or Bonnie View.

There was nowhere to hang out Saturday night except HoJo's for ice cream and coffee, or Fairlanes Bowling between Pantry Pride and Drug Fair on Smith Avenue if you weren't old enough to drive.

Levenson's was near Jack's on Reisterstown Road and Creative Specialties was in Colonial Village. You got sky blue snow cones in the JCC basement cafeteria. You ate chicken in a basket Wednesday nights at Schleider's. Your Bar Mitzvah was at Blue Crest North. You went to Bais Yaakov nursery-even if you were a boy.

You could not contain yourself when Bnos gave out pencil cases they had made up with the message "Do It with Bnos."

You remember Oprah Winfrey as Richard Sher's sidekick on People Are Talking.

Brooks Robinson was a hero but Cal Ripken Jr. was young, hot, single and still had hair

Still More from Steve Goloskov:
- You know who Mr. Nobody is, and where he works.
- You know who says "Let's talk about it".
- "When you have a phone, you have a lawyer."
- The "Balmer" accent, for some reason, sounds totally normal to you, even when the accent is used in Hebrew (we've all heard that guy at shul recite the aliyah w/ the Balmer twang).
- "Go Gebco, go gebco. Go go go gebco".
- "Hello, Katz Insurance? I need insurance!"

From Ylb426@aol.com:
Here's one more for Jewish Baltimore: We all still miss John Miller and we all can still hear the voice of Rex Barney (AKA the voice of the Orioles) saying "thank you."

More from Steve Goloskov:
- You know who Mr. Nobody is, and where he works.
- You know who says "Let's talk about it".
- "When you have a phone, you have a lawyer."
- The "Balmer" accent, for some reason, sounds totally normal to you, even when the accent is used in Hebrew (we've all heard that guy at shul recite the aliyah w/ the Balmer twang).
- "Go Gebco, go gebco. Go go go gebco".
- "Hello, Katz Insurance? I need insurance!"
Not so much Jewish Baltimore, but additions nonetheless....
- Bowling for Dollars
- Mr. Ray's Hair Weave
- You miss Chapps and Memorial Stadium
- You remember when Marty Bass wore a toupee.....and then one day, showed up to work with out it.
- "I got sunshine, on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I got the month of May. I guess, you'll say, what would make me feel this way......Bob Turk, Bob Turk...."
- To add to Eli Klein's memorial to Al Sanders (....you continually mourn the loss of Rav Steinberg, Rav Weinberg, and Al Sanders), you also mourn the loss of Jerry Turner and Earl Weaver.
- "People Are Talking" with Richard Scher and Oprah Winfrey.
- You remember the days of Brooks Robinson, Al Bumbry, Rick Dempsey, Jim Palmer, Eddie Murray, Ken Singleton, Doug Dicinses and Earl Weaver.

From Ylb426@aol.com:
A few points to add:
You remember all the businesses that have been through what is now David Chu's AKA the Bermuda Triangle of Baltimore businesses (i.e. Amy Joy Donuts, Stauffer's, Arnold's, NYC Chicken, the beeper store. . . )

You remember the days before Owings Mills Mall when Security Square Mall was the chic place to shop.

You remember when even Owings Mills Mall was a chic place to shop!

You remember when the Enchanted Forest was everyone's chol hamoed trip location.

You remember when Liebes' Deli was on Rogers Ave and that it was sit-down.

You remember the days before Seven Mile Market (i.e. Food Barn, Valu Food, etc)

You know what the Gucci Giant is.

An addendum to David Kessler's "You broke every fast, and Pesach on Dunkin Donuts."--you know you're from Baltimore if you remember when Dunkin' Donuts wasn't even kosher!