10. Super Shtikman: We all know about the
average shtik of plastic hats and glittery bowties, but this person comes out in the full body gorilla
suit or the bekesha, payos, and streimel.
9.The Slimer: When joining the circle, you sometimes join hands with
this man. He makes sure to coat your hand (or shoulder) in a layer of sweat.
(CAUTION: Do not participate in fast circle dancing when in contact with
Slimer. The dancing speed will overcome his slippery hold and you will be flung out of the circle falling on your face).
8. The Progressive: This relative of the chassan/kallah brings all
male and female family members into the inner circle to dance, to the dismay of
some frummer folk.
7. The Hoarder: This person (preferably an older married female)
immediately lays claim to the table's centerpiece and puts two benchers away before
the meal has started.
6. The Faster: This person has refrained from eating for over twenty
four hours in anticipation of gorging himself at the shmorg (NOTE: There is no
limit to the number of fasters. Usually 50% of the guests fill this position).
5. The Drummer: This person adds musical depth to the chassan's tisch
by treating the table as a drum. His virtuoso talent makes use of his hands, elbows, and even shoulder in doing the appropriate table-drum solo.
4. The YoYa-ologist: This person has taken dancing YoYa to the next level. Instead of the standard holding hands and kicking legs in a big
circle, he jumps in the middle with his own patented version that uses a mix of jumping jacks, spinning around, and large claps over the head and
below the legs.
3. The Entertainer: This person leads the entertainment of the
chassan and kallah. His break dancing far outweighs your leg flailing with two
other friends
2. Waterboy: This person supplies the chassan/kallah with water. The proper procedure is to have a full glass of water so half of it can spill
on the floor before reaching the chassan/kallah.
1. .Random Walker Down the Aisle: This person was late to the chupah
and the only way he could get to a seat is to sneak down the aisle trying not
to look like he is part of the procession, but drawing plenty of attention anyway.
 Readers Comments: To
submit your own, please send an email to
submit@bangitout.com:
Frum
Moshe Wealcatch
The Dancer The really yeshivishe guy who knows the chosson from the “other” yeshiva with the cool pointy shoes and peyos behind his ears who thinks that HEs gonna show the “modernishe” yeshiva guys how to dance. Usually consists of arms raising, jacket and hat stripping, pants splitting, cartwheel turning, hand standing, and other really cool moves. Hes commanding all the attention with everyone standing staring with weird grins on their faces clapping wildl…(just look at the wedding pics…) Hes the hit of the party to everyone but the kallah whos thinking….”Girls sweat a lot less than guys…and if im offered any more water, im gonna splash it on this guy doing a split in front of me and then looking at me for my approving smile” Hes just getting warmed up …Only to be pushed aside rudely by the …..HAT ON FIRE guy!!! YAY!…SO cool…(usually already bald…so no problem there…)
Frum
Melbrooke819 Addition to the Shtick girl: Your list of things in the 6 boxes of shtick was great, but it lacked the teddy bear dressed up as a kallah, and ballons on sticks... lets put the kallah up on a chair with a bear with a pin in his hand, dance around her with ballons... see whos eye she pops first!
Frum
wealyq58@earthlink.net The girl that brings about six boxes of shtick filled with:
-those really cool
grand entrance hoops -(please, girls…it never WAS happening
-“the” umbrella -(“lets pull it back and forth now….YAY”)
-confetti - (I think the choson and kallah spend the nite getting it out of all their nooks
and crannies)
-M . A, Z, E , L, T,O, V, individual letter signs (uhhhh….yeah)
-Masks of all types…(especially those Mardi Gras feather ones that make the girls look
like …well…u know what…)
-and last but not least….the so-corny-it-makes-me-cringe-every-time-sign” BRING BACK THE
KALLAH”(No, she’ll come back when she darn well pleases …this is HER
wedding…)
It gets so bad sometimes….. id almost rather go back to the mens section and dance with
the guy in the clown costume…almost)
Frum:
Been there
The "Yotzer
Ha'adam" Man. The non-frum relative who has to get a bracha
but can't read hebrew. This guy shows up at all the sheva brachos as
well!
From Melissa Saltzman
you forgot the best one!
The Matadore - always, there will be two girls - one pretending to be a bull and the other holding a napkin as if it's a cape. no matter how many times they go through this shtik, it's always funny and gets a great many oohs and aahs from the old-lady section.
From
The Daf Yomi Guy--sits through the entire evening (even during the
chuppah) with his gemoro open, oblivious to everything & everyone
around him, glad of this opportunity to show the world what a masmid he
is!
From: :
May I add two more?
The "Say Cheese" man: The guy who's leaving early and is
worried that you won't remember he came, so he makes sure to stick his
sloppy grin or a profile showing serious concentration on his face right
in front of the camera each time the flash goes off - sometimes right in
front of the chosson and kallah.
The "White Guy": Can't dance for his life and ALWAYS
inserts himself into the hora line to throw everybody hip out of joint as
he stops too early, too late and only some of the other guests copy him
thinking that he must the one in time, not they. Usually a high
kicker, and frequently accompanied by howls of pain from the guy in front
of him holding his shins, and the guy in back of him curled in the fetal
position on the floor and talking two octaves higher than normal.
From
Jeff Taub
BLUE SHIRT GUY: Always one guy, and one guy only, that just had to break out the blue shirt and be different. The blue shirt is a common accessory of Motorola Man or The Goy, and is often accompanied by spiked hair.
OLD PEOPLE
They can often be heard complaining about the heat (e.g. "It's like a sauna in here"), the food (e.g. "It's no wonder the bride is so thin"), the bride ("She's too pale"), or the groom ("My grandson knows someone in marketing, and he lives in a van down by the river")
From
Linda Alexander
Any individual from the Dead Relative Table: A questionably related
distant cousin that finds it essential to announce to the c/k and everyone else
within earshot, that though the c/k does not remember them, they have known him/her since the bris/naming/bar or bat mitzvah, etc., or even since before
the c/k was born. Other, possibly embarrassing moments in the life of the c/k are fair game as well. The c/k have never seen this person before.
From
:
The Chupa- only inviation holder:
Even though only invited to the Chupa,
he/she attends the dinner pretending that he/she won't eat, but ends up
stealing someonle else's seat, throwing off the whole seating arrangement.
Although, rationalizing staying at the wedding to "msameach chosson v'kala"
by dancing- ends up only dancing for two and a half minutes then proceeding
to eat everyonle else's food.
From
:
The extra to "the carrier"
: He does a kind deed of putting a young kid on his shoulder only to find that
said kid has lost control of his bowels thus putting a charming stain on a
white shirt.... (This HAS happened.... lucky someone had a spare!)
From: Alan Epstein
:
I had a few laughs, but overall would say this section really brings out the bitter, disenchanted, spoiled, unidealistic, and cynical feelings that are so prevalent in so many modern kids. Come on, I am no psychologist, just commenting, but this is simchas shel mitzvah we're talking about, any better contributions than this sarcasm?
From
:
The Kisser:
The guy who is very makpid in his fullfillment of the minhag to Kiss a
chosson in all its sweaty unpleasantness.
The Devil Stick: (comes in after the fire/sword juggler) The guy
who recently got his hands on a set of devil stick although he has no clue
what he's doing or how to use them. By his hundreth wedding he has finally
mstered the 4 second twirl-and-catch.
The Aunt Yenta: The 50 yr old female relative that does nothing but
watch the men's dancing hoping to find her duaghter a shidduch.
The Super Aunt Yenta: The 50 year old relative who forgets herself
as she scouts the men's section looking for shidduchim for the Kallah Moit
(usually the kallahs sister or single female first cousin) and begins to
pick up the young guys for herself. (ex: "Wow, young man, you are a good
dancer. So, nu what are you looking for?")
Double Dutch Dork: The moron who to the Matre D's Shagrin grabs
every used or unused available hanky in the room and knots them together
like worn out tallis hoping the dance will break into a game of jump rope.
From: M. Lasar:
the desperado (ie the seeker): wedding guest who does every segula known in
the hopes of being the next one - including, but not limited to, wearing the
kallah's jewelry (not necessarily returning it), eating the couple's
challah, drinking the sheva bracha wine, drinking the chuppah wine, changing
seats (to a table made up entirely of the opposite sex at a seperate seating
wedding), catching the bouquet (at a modern wedding) or taking the bouquet
if it isnt thrown
the freiers - the non religious relatives who have no clue what is going on
throughout the entire 7 hour event, aside from the glass stomping, the hora,
and when the band plays sunrise, sunset
From: Melbrooke428@aol.com:
The bitter single girl: This girl is dressed fancier then the Kallah and has had her hair and nails done just for the wedding. She will only dance for the first round, then go to the bar and have lots of drinks 'cause hey - shes not the one paying for it. Then she will leave way early, and makes sure that the Kallah sees her go.
Kallah's best friend wanna be: she has stayed up with all of the "real" best friends making shtick that she doesnt really get, and you can see her trying to stand behind the kallah during the badeken, at the end of the line, struggling to keep her place there. She gets there early to be in the pictures, and watches.
From Steve Goloskov:
The Jerk: This is the guy who usually stands in the back during the chuppah with his cell phone. When it loudly rings, he proceeds to answer it and carry on a conversation, pissing off everyone around him.
The Photographer: No wedding is complete with out this high priced schmuck. He will stop at nothing to get the pictures he wants, even shoving, yelling and pushing people at times. This usually stops when one of the guests knocks him out.
The Minyan Maker: Grab a siddur and share it with a partner.
The Royal Guard: This consists of about 10-15 people (men and women) lined up on either side by the door, with batons (or the like) to welcome the Chosson and Kallah for the first time, usually to the tune of "The final Countdown".
From Dena Z. :
The Self-Appointed Photographer"
This is the lady who, rather than write a check or buy a present, decides to
give you a wedding album as a gift. She nudges her way in front of the
professional photographer to whom you're paying the big bucks, annoying him,
but more importantly, annoying you. "Say cheese! Over here!" she shouts and
waves as your tired, fake smiles grow staler... After the wedding you only
look at this album for a couple of weeks- 'til you get the proofs back.
From Suri Grusgott:
regards from the holy land! to add to the wedding
piece:
the Aggressive Dancer who is in the inner circle with
the bride at every dance but does not even know her.
she later steps on your toe several times.
From TheZys@aol.com:
The guy who juggles the knives or torches and drops them either almost
killing the chosson. Or almost setting her dress on fire.
From Jordan Kessman:
The Blocker -This guy's (or two guys)job is alwys to stand in front of the
chosson/kallah while others are dancing for them to make sure they don't get
hurt. His angry expression and interlocked hands (with the other guy) insure
that nobody gets to close
The Carrier this guy has somebody on his shoulders the ENTIRE time whether
it be the chosson,his brother,father,new father-in-law,friends or all of the
above
From Laurent Bensimon:
Super Shtikettes- What could be more special than your closest girlfriends staying up late to put together those colorful, glittery letters that spell Mazel Tov (in hebrew of course) on one side and
your names on the other (Mo & Bas- as in Mosh and Bassy)...bang that!
From BluEyed014@aol.com:
this was the funniest top ten I've read so far (And I've read almost all of them!) Holy cow, I didn't know these same people showed up at EVERY wedding! Now my friends and I have appropriate names for them!
From Gary123448@cs.com:
the mcgyver lady - the one who 'just-in-case' carries with her a sewing kit, ready to fix the kallahs hem; a first aid kit, ready to give a band-aid to the kallahs mom when she rips her hand open with the @(&#%$ plate on the back of that @!#*&^%$ chair
the fako-rabbi - the guy whos responsibilities include finding the tiny mistake in the ketubah, rendering it invalid; making loud coughing noises when the word 'betulah' is read, and asking the witnesses prying questions about their recent trip to atlantic city and if theyve ever owned pigeons...
the goy - the great guy from work whos attending his first jewish wedding...you know the guy...hes at the bar not believing its free, then hes dancing and sweating up a storm in that huge precariously-perched kipa with ruach that we had at 18 and lost at 22...
the shikse - (see: the goy) - shes the hottie dancing in the LBD showing more cleavage and leg than J-Lo - all the guys are hitting on her...she met the kallah in b-school and 'dates jewish guys all the time'.
addendum: waterboy - in addition to his refreshment duties, hes also the Protector, making sure his arms are linked with a like-minded comrade in front of the seated c/k, thinking that a 200 pound guy flying through the air heading towards the c/k after losing his grip (ref: slimer) will be stopped by his twig of an arm...
motorola-man - the man that is sooooo important, that no matter when or how many times you step out to take a wiz, hes on his cell buying/selling/checking his messages/leaving himself messages/looking all pissed off/tapping on his palm...why is he here??!!
mr denial - hes pushing 50, but god help him if he cant dance all the hip fast dances with the krazy kids...doctors looking on...will he have a heart-attack?? will he break a hip?? watch and see!!! hes shouting 'keitzad merakdim...' but is really saying 'im........not........ooooolllllllddddddd' hey bud...youre old...siddown.
the paul reiser - resurrecting the diner role, he stares at your desert plate asking 'are you gonna eat that? cuz if youre not,,,well, ill have....nah, go ahead...im just saying IF youre not....' turn around and theres another desert in front of him...you tell him he can just ask the waiter for another portion...but he doesnt want to bother the guy...
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