10. The last kosher Noah's Bagels in the city just went trayf, and you're
afraid that certain members of the community will starve to death.
9. You give out-of-towners directions to Temple Emanu-El by telling them
to drive west on California Street, past the shul with the huge green
dome, until they see the shul with the huge red dome. If they see a church
with huge gold onion domes, they've gone too far.
8. You don't understand why New Yorkers keep making you spell 'Arastradero'
for them when you give the address to the Peninsula JCC. Dudes, it's
phonetic.
7. Your shul starts planning for the Gay Pride Parade right after Shavuos.
6. You're still devastated that Shenson's Deli closed. Sometimes you stand
outside Cyberhunt with your nose to the glass and wistfully remember the
last Pesach you bought all your groceries there.
5. You once roofed a Sukkah by doing some judicious unauthorized pruning
of the palm trees on the center divide on Dolores Street.
4. You've ridden through Golden Gate Park in the sidecar of the Mitzvah
Scooter.
3. You've sat for longer than 45 minutes at the It's-It Grill, enjoying
the authentic Israeli service, admiring the portraits of rabbonim on the
walls, and waiting for them to finish schechting the chicken, or whatever
it is they're doing back there that's holding up your kebab.
2. You have a choice of three kosher meat places since Molly Stone's
opened, but you still have to drive forty-five minutes to bob & bob in
Palo Alto to buy tefillin or any Jewish book not available at Borders.
1. You've been to weddings where every present on display is wrapped in
bob & bob giftwrap, and been asked if the blue paper with the white
dots means something in the Chasidic tradition.
 Readers Comments: To
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include the title in the subject header. THANKS!
From: Becs18@aol.com:
-You went to SPHDS until 8th grade and then either went to public school or your whole family picked up and moved to LA so you could got to YULA.
- You know what "Intellim" are.
- You cried when the Lotus Garden became Tref. (no more vegan kosher chinese!)
- You buy your shmura matzas and lulav & etrog from Rabbi Levin every year.
- You used to get your meat from Chicago until Mollie Stones starting carrying Empire.
From: Jeremy Segall:
You think there is a large Jewish community becaue you are friends with a lot of Jews, then you realize it is just that you're friends with all of them.
Nobody is actually from the City -- they are all from suburbs. If you live in the City you probably aren't even from the Bay Area. But saying you are from San Francisco to your friends at Hillel is a lot more interesting than saying San Jose, Los Gatos/Saratoga, Piedmont, or Palo Alto.
No sububan families are from NorCal, but in fact are "really" from New York, Chicago, Detroit, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, etc.
You and your best friends growing up were like the start of a bad joke, "A Jew, a Catholic, a Hindi, and a Morman..."
You make a point of going to every kosher meat restaurant in the suburbs within a week of when it opens so that you can eat there before it closes a month later.
You are jealous of the "real" community in Oakland.
You have lit Hanukkah candles with "The Mayor," recovering-addict-ex-rockers, George "I guarantee it" Zimmer, 1960s stoners, and Chabad rabbis all at the same time.
You're still shocked that there are enough Jews for any sort of congregation in Foster City, Aptos, or the non-Oakland East Bay. Especially for a day school in Fremont.
You visit New York and are convinced there are more Jews in NY than residents of SF. Besides, who needs NY when we have Izzys?
You loathe Los Angeles, but every time you go there you're thrilled to find a decent kosher restaurant and reasonably priced judaica.
Eruv? What's that? (But oh, do they know in Palo Alto)
The closest thing to a Jewish high school is going to a non-sectarian private school, or even a Jesuit school (almost sounds like "Jewish").
You belong to the same shul as people named Martinez or Wong and cannot assume that someone named Cohen or Goldfarb is a MOT. Aong those lines, meeting a Jew named "Chris" really doesn't shock you.
You know plenty of Israelis, but not a single one has ever stepped into any synagogue in their entire life. And they all seem to go to Foothill or DeAnza then SJSU, for some reason, even though they were accepted to Stanford, Cal (nobody from NorCal calls the school "Berkeley") and UCLA.
Whenever you see Tom Lantos or Shawn Green (who went to high school in Almaden) mentioned in the paper you get more naches than a bubbe at her grandson's Bar Mitzvah.
You hoped and prayed that Walt Weiss was Jewish, but to no avail.
From: Moshe Fishman- Tourist:
1) The Chabad Rabbi drives a motorcycle, was part of a rock band, and he and
his wife could tell you about hanging out with "Guru" Gil and Maharishi
Mahesh Yogi.
2) Beggars hanging out on boardwalk with signs that say "need money to buy
weed" do not strike you as "strange" or "out of place".
3) You could point out where the coolest movie chase scenes have happened.
4) Alcatraz? Golden Gate Bridge? Tourist Traps! Everyone knows what San
Fransisco is really famous for.........say, got a light?
From: SBriansher@aol.com:
If your JCC is closed on CHristmas, but opened on Shabbat.
From: splatt@bored.com:
-You think of going to the new kosher bakery at Albertsons as a field trip.
While there you meet every black hatted Jew in SF, and you know them, by
name.
-The only place you know how to get to in Daly City is the kosher Krispy
Kreme. While there you meet people that work there, and you know them...
by name.
You own the list of Trader Joe's products with hashgacha. It is attached
by a Golden Gate magnet to your fridge.
-You attend one of the 9 orthodox shuls, each of which can only get 9 people
for (nearly a) minyan. You are thinking of starting a new one, as a
breakaway from the breakaway.
-You have been to the Cellar, and knew everyone there...by name.
-You profess to hate the Jewish Bulletin, and yet have a subscription, and
spend Shabbat afternoon reading it, and swearing aloud at it. You see who
you know in it...by name.
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