“With us tonight is a star-studded constellation of…stars, including: Kevin Hart, Sarah Silverman, Rabbi Akiva, Shaquille O’Neal, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, Pharaoh, Snoop Dogg, Rabbi Tarphon, Abe Foxman and Lena Dunham.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Roastmaster of Ceremonies, the esteemed, the Jewish: Jeff Ross!!
Thank you so much ladies and gentleman…Comedy Central…my Hebrews…my Egyptians. Whoah, can we use the ‘E’ word here? What time is it? After Chatzot? Kids are asleep? Ima sayin’ it! Egyptians Egyptians Egyptians!!
Speaking of which, You – Pharaoh over there. Looking good tonight in that headdress. Who outfitted you? Lassie’s costume designer? By the way, I bumped into your wife backstage in the green room. She said you haven’t been performing your Pharaoh-dic duties. I’m not saying she’s dissatisfied, but she says the only thing you’ve had hardened in the last while is your heart. No? Too soon?
Oh, I see you laughing over there, Rabbi Akiva. Earthenware calling the ceramic shard brown, no? You got it all figured out? Dude, what year of Shana Bet are you on?! Forty years away from the wife, sitting around with the boys all night, disputing the number of afflictions befalling the Egyptians…yo, Rabbi Akiva, you told your wife you were stepping out for cigarettes in Ramat Gan. Forty years!! Not cool…and we saw you pointing at your wife when we said ‘maror zeh’…so not cool.
And speaking of Kosher Lust, we have here on the dais the next roaster— whom David Remnick recently referred to as “hugely talented”— yes, we have Lena Dunham. Lena, you really are hugely talented. You really are hugely funny. You really are hugely the voice of your generation. Lena, you are just plain hugely. Lena, it is so nice of you to join us tonight. You must be so busy, with all the nepotism, misogynistic anti-semitic troping and sisterly love… it’s so nice that you came here…fully clothed. Please stay that way.
Speaking of clothes, what’s up with the get-up, Malach Hamavet? I mean, the black cloak, the scythe…dude, we know who you are…your name is ‘Mal-ach Ha-ma-vet’. And that eerie, deep, throaty growl of a voice…we all know it’s fake! We have you on YouTube singing Bee Gees karaoke in K-Town! Nice try. And what’s up with slaying the shoichet?! What did he ever do to you? He slaves away all day at the Kosher Marketplace, watching the owners try to restrain their glee every time the cash register rings for another $100-per-four-item tally. The shoichet doesn’t set that Special Passover Gouge Price for brisket! And what’s up with the ‘homemade’ cookies? I come to the store…I want crap made in the store! If I wanted to buy something ‘homemade’, I’d drive up to your gated compound in Riverdale and take stuff out of your oven!
Oops, was that anti-Semitic? Abe Foxman, what do you think? You usually know what is and what isn’t. Abe, you went on CNN last week and called the Rasha a self-hating Jew. You went on and on about he doesn’t represent ‘true Judaism’. About how he is bad for the Jews. Not a friend of Israel. Abe, Bubbie, he’s a FICTIONAL CHARACTER! You do realize that! He does have a nice beard though…
And you know who’s got a really nice beard? Yeah you, Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria. Seriously, you look old. You so old, your birth certificate was written on papyrus. You so old, you once had a summer job building the pyramids. Too soon?
Anyway, before we bring up the Lamb of Honor to the dais for this Pesach Roast, let me ask you this…why do people name their kids ‘Pesach’? Who names their kid after a holiday? You don’t see any ‘Purim Goldbergs’…no ‘Tu B’shvat Formans’. But Pesach? Why?! Did the shmurah matzo go to your head?
And what’s up with you, Rabbi Yehuda? All quiet sitting over there in the corner with Snoop. All I see is a cloud of smoke around you two! You’re gonna fry your brain! Rabbi Yehuda, you are one forgetful Rabbi. You’re so forgetful, you can’t even remember the ten plagues without needing a cheat sheet! There are only ten! It’s not that many!! And get your finger out of the wine glass. That’s just gross.
And Snoop, thanks for coming out tonight. Snoop, I know you’re supposed to lean back, but you look a little too relaxed over there. Snoop’s favorite part of the Seder is the bitter herbs. He hears “herb” and he’s all like “I’m right here baby”. Snoop, you dip them, you don’t smoke them…
Hmmm, I got 5 minutes of material on Rabbi Tarfon, but I see by the red light flashing that my time is ending…
Seriously folks, we’ve been burning the Pascal Lamb all night. He’s been a real trooper. Taking it like a sheep at an Aegean chassonah. He’s really sacrificed himself so we can all join together tonight, share in collective and familial love, approach a level of communion with our creator, and eat him. I just want to say, that this is one neurotic lamb. I don’t wanna say he has a martyr complex, but if he was a sentient human being, he’d be my Aunt Sadie. Right?! Right?!
This lamb is so seasonal. How seasonal is he? He is so seasonal, if he was an Israeli leftist singer from the 90’s, he’d be Aviv Gefen. He’s so seasonal, that if he’d be a bacchanalian festival for sub-moronic collegians, he’d be Spring Break. If he was a mnemonic device for shifting chronology, he’d be ‘Spring Forward’. I mean, he is seasonal. And so naïve and trusting. This lamb is so naïve and trusting, each year we bring him like sheep to a slaughter. No? Too soon?
And solipsistic. This lamb is so into his own thing, he counts images of himself to put himself to sleep. So solipsistic.
But seriously though, Roast, I just wanna say from the bottom of all our hearts, that we love you. We need you, man. You unite us, you make us into a complete entity. No matter our individual differences, we band together as one this night to remember our shared past and look ahead to our glorious, shared future. A future as a strong, moral nation, its exiled ingathered, its devotion ingrained.
Next year in Jerusalem. Or at the very least, in a diamond- rated spa in Arizona with recreation by Flakey Jake. ”