The Black Hat Ban
Hipster finds G-d in cute Jewish T-shirt
Jewish Satire Website replaces entire staff with Iranian News Journalists
JTS recieves overly Qualified Candidates from posting on Craig's list
Hamas pulls out of Israel due to high tuition
Jewish teens engaging in Oral more than Ever
Top Jewified Films, TV shows, Broadway smashes of 2005-6 by Boris Orlino

In response to the sudden wave of “sinners” jumping on the black hat fashion bandwagon, the RCA, (Rabbinical Couture of America) announced today that they are prohibiting the wearing of all black hats among religious Jews. The rabbinical ban sent shockwaves across religious Jewish communities worldwide, in what would be the third large ban on headcoverings; the first being the chaotic Indian wig-burn of 2004 and the second being the controversial prohibition against really bad combovers.

The official corporate hat sponsor of YADA, The Yeshivish Anti-Dandruff Association, Borsolino – was outraged and released a 45 page press against the prohibition, which, according to this reporter, could be summed up by the term: "Gornish."

The RCA said the ban will exist until this fashion trend among infamous evil-doers subsides, or, commented representative Rabbi B. Ess "until we have something better to hock about."

"In the interim period", announced Rabbi F. Dora, a spokesperson for the Agudah or Abada Organization of Amerca, in order to continue the reverent fashion code of dressing in hats "the new minhag for all yeshivish Orthodox Jews will be to wear – the Sombrero."

Rabbis across the country came out in solidarity to support the new minhag of klal yisroel.

Hipster finds G-d in cute Jewish T-shirt

23year old Park Slope native Menachem Pomerantz, who goes by the name Talon, claimed to have seen G-d in an extra small ringer T-shirt he bought off of the website MyChasidisheCouture.com.

This sudden revelation, which Pomerantz claims to have experienced during an early morning (3pm) Belle& Sebastian shema meditation, has brought many in the trendsetting Jewish hipster world to speculate whether or not clever Jewish tees have a place in the practice of mainstream Judaism.

“Are we really going to throw these tshirts into the laundry basket?” pondered one, “Do they not belong in a geniza?”

While the Pomerantz sanctified t-shirt simply exhibits an obese cat holding a lulav in one hand, and a cigarette in the other, Pomerantz claims to have seen something much more profound. And his Brooklynite Jewish T-wearing friends agree. “There is something in these tshirts… that deeper than people like to give credit for” said Joanna Relish wearing a baby tee with the term ShabbosDICK emblazed on the front, “When I pick up a siddur now and read the Shema, it just doesn’t have the same excitement as seeing a really awesome tank top with something cosmic like ‘Shmutzy’ written on it. It just doesn’t.”

Since the revelation, MychasidisheCouture has tripled in sales of the t-shirt and now offer the graphic on kippahs, challah covers and g-strings.

“The future of intelligent Judaism is in the form of this form of religious fashion” said website owner Miles Freimishe, who according to myspace.com has 35,000 friends.

“Really, if the Torah dictates the Kohain Gadol’s entire wardrobe, should we be any different?” said Freimishe, as he winked and handed this reporter a 33% disount card off all edible “kvetchin'” thongs.

by Isaac Galena

Jewish Satire Website replaces entire staff with Iranian News Editors

The incredibly low paid and strikingly good looking staff members of the world's most popular Jewish satire website Bangitout.com were given their pink slips today in order to make room for the possibly most talented and unquestionably most popular Jewish satirists on the planet – the Iranian daily news writers.

"These guys know how to make people laugh, really laugh. I'm not talking about just a little ha ha, I'm talking about hysterical the type of stuff that'll make any yid on the planet laugh milk – preferably lactaid -through-their-nose." commented Bangitout.com publisher Isaac Galena, as he finalized visa working papers for new Torah editor Ayatollah Hamshahri and tore up the imaginary medicaid insurance cards of bangitout's most prolific movie writer, Jordan Hiller.

"If you can take a story about a Jewish restaraunt shut-down and turn it into a story about the Jews starting the 21rst century plague, oh yeah, you know what you're doing" said Seth Galena, who actually fired himself two days prior citing his own incompetence and sexual harassment as two of the reasons for his sudden termination.

The Iranian journalists were more than happy to take the position at the comedy website citing Bangitout.com's noteworthy diversity, reputation, apartment listings and "just as a great place to meet hot infadel chicks" as their primary reasons for making the sudden job jump.

Top stories to look for from the talented Iranian staff in the coming months:
Jewish 'Apprentice' contestants quickly impregnate Melania Trump
Mossad's Assasination of JFK and Princess Diana
"Arrested Development" cancelled by Israel
Brokeback Mountain = Mt. Hermon

The Jewish Theological Seminary’s search for their next top chancellor has heated up as a batch of top notch candidates have been found through an anonymous posting on Craig’s List, the popular free classifieds website. “We felt working with Craig and his list would be a great way to connect with potential leaders who maybe outside the search committee’s list of boring candidates” said Schorsch’s wife’s assistant’s granddaughter, who created the posting and is who is also looking for a 1 bedroom  on the UWS. “Using a younger medium and ‘hipper’ language in the posting, got us spiritual candidates from all walks of life, Jewish, non-Jewish, and gave us a real idea of the talent that is out there on their sitting on the couch posting stuff to the web.”

The posting, which was titled: “JSWF (Jewish Seminary With Financial difficulties) lookin’ 4 chan-sellR (mini-me)” got hundreds of responses, retired rabbis, Camp Ramah staff bums, gay/lesbian rabbinic lobbyists, all with their own vision of how to energize the struggling movement. A surprise amount of non-Jews responded with their resumes and religious beliefs– even a Chassidic man responded looking for a rendezvous with Ismar for a “one night chavrusa”. JTS search committee failed to say if a successor was found yet, but said “The conservative vision has been captured by many on Craig’s List; now its just a matter of sorting through the emails, compiling the data, doing the interviews and then finding the best choice for the current chancellor to look at before selecting whoever the hell he wants.” Apparently the Papal Selection had similar success and found current Pope Raztenberger the same way.  

  
Oral increasing with Jewish teens

A new study has just been released reporting that nearly 1 in ever 4 Jewish teens are learning the oral tradition – a staggering rate, which is the highest in Jewish history. “It’s a phenomenon, but they are learning so much more at a younger age.” says Rabbi Joseph Silver, master educator of oral Jewish law. “There is so much peer pressure to get into this kind of stuff that the kids don’t even know what they are doing when they initially get involved. Then, before long they are addicted.” No one is abstaining these days and the statistics are almost staggering, 1/3 of 3rd graders have had exposure to at least one Oral tradition. One in five teens 11-17 don’t use anything in terms of safety nets to help them when they are involved in grasping the oral laws. They do it unprotected. Some are doing these activities in groups, with partners, initiating it with others, and its occurring almost on a daily basis.  These kids are not only highly involved in the oral tradition but they are also looking for new approaches and commentaries to think about Oral differently then generations past. They look at it from all angles, and all for the sake of heaven. Rabbis and teachers cannot believe how much they are learning, but even more so how much they are practicing.
 
 
Just months after Israel’s disengagement from Gaza, Palestinians are fleeing the highly disputed land upon receiving their first bill in the mail from day schools in the area. “The high price tag for day schools, which can devour even the most generous six-figure income, has created “a crisis situation,” said Hamas President Mohammed Abbas. Families “on the security fence” about whether or not to enroll their children in day schools are often discouraged by the cost, and cannot stay in the newly unoccupied Gush area.  Jewish school admission costs can range anywhere from 10-30K annually for one child’s education and that does not include the lunch/wardrobe costs. “There are terrorists with a good deal of income who literally can’t afford to send their children to schools, and they are not poor! They still can buy me!” Abbas said. The issue is becoming bigger and bigger as families are desperately looking for other more financially responsible options for their kids. “Terrorists and politicians alike  should be speaking about this vital issue,” he said. “A good terrorist education is as important a priority as our children themselves, except of course if they are enrolled in the martyrdom program which is subsidized by the arab countries new “Tuition Initiative.” The new initiative is helping parents get the money they need to afford their child’d first and hopefully last martyrdom.  “We have to figure out how to realign some of the fund that are going to terrorism and put them to the day school education, otherwise we may get the land, but wont be able to afford to live there. If only the West Bank really was a bank.”

 

20. Firewall—Pharoah's chariots are stopped by flaming pillar in pursuit of Israel at Red Sea.

19. March of the Henkins—Nuptial procession at dynastic rabbi's wedding.

18. Tchotchke—Troubled South African finds renewal after finding trinket in his car.

17. Rent—Four so-called “bohemians” divvy up space in Columbus Avenue apartment.

16. The Chronicles of Neranena—Four children go through magical aron kodesh to mystical land of Jewish music and become a “roaring” success.

15. Brachot-back Mountain—Two yeshivish cowboys fall in love with the first tractate of the Talmud.

14. Charlie and the Cholent Factory—Poor boy is treated to wondrous tour of magical cholent factory.

13. Failure to Lunch—Big shul kiddush keeps Shabbos guest from getting to host's meal before benching.

12. Into the Blue—Young divers discover treasured techelet at the bottom of the Mediterannean.

11. UltraViolet—Israelites are commanded to put argaman into priestly vestments.

10. Red Eye—Yeshiva bochur makes it to early minyan after Tikkun Leyl Shavuot.

9. Pride and Nebishes—Sharp-minded beauty hunts for bashert in a world of average simpletons.

8. Eight Too Low—Sad tale of being two people shy for a minyan.

7. Harry Pshater and the Gemara of Fire—Talmud bochur explores kabbalistic themes of black and white at renowned Hogwarts yeshiva.

6. Vorhand’s America—West Side shtiebel promotes Jewish unity.

5. The Pro-Zeusers—Maccabees and Hellenized Jews battle it out on Broadway.

4. Good Night, and Good Lox.—Edward R Murrow refuses to participate in McCarthy’s “shmear” campaign.

3. Memoirs of a Kishka—From the Empire factory to the Shabbos table, a kishka is forced to survive in a world of wealth, privilege and political intrigue.

2. Kashanova—Fabled mischievous European courtier woos women with his favorite Jewish dish.

1. Serious Shorsch—JTS Chancellor isn’t monkeying around when he announces he's stepping down.

…and on TV this season:

Belated—Engaged couple must postpone wedding, due to a death in the family.

Commander-in-Sheaves—Joseph distributes grain throughout Egypt.

Everybody Hates Christmas—Jews complain of boredom on December 25th.

Gra's Anatomy—Medical residents get close to each other and inner workings of the Vilna Gaon.

How I Met Your Mother—Yet another “West Side Story.”

Krum’s—Hollywood yid returns home to help manage Bronx bakery.

The Night Talker—Shabbos dinner host has trouble ending meal due to schmoozer.

Numbers—Genius agent solves crimes with help of Bamidbar.

Out of Latkes—Family of doctors gets resourceful when favorite Chanukah dish disappears.

Sums and Daughters—Lavan tries to keep all that is owed to Yaakov.

…and on Broadway:

Barefoot in the Park—Great Lawn attire goes casual.

Dirty Rotten Shandas—Con men dig up dirt in synagogue archive.

Hazzan—Boy raised in African jungle becomes famous, “swinging,” cantor.

Jersey Boys—Four yids from the wrong side of the river find fame in the big city.

The Lieutenant of Fiddich-more—Dark comedy about drunken Kiddush Club member.

The Nechama Game—Couple falls in love over work of modern Torah commentator.

Sweeney Yad—Barber turned gabbai is merciless when correcting Torah readers.

The Wedding Swinger—Chassan’s buddy has all the right moves.

Wicker—Baby Moses is put in straw basket and sent down the Nile.

YID—After experiencing life in the city, a nice Jewish boy marries and moves to the suburbs

by P. Slope

 

Black Hats Banned