Jonathan Sharkey or Darth Maul?  

In the state that elected Jesse “The Body” Ventura governor, Minnesota gubernatorial candidate Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey has got a good shot. The rare, honest politician who does not try to hide the fact he’s a satanist and a witch, Sharkey even boasted to the Minneapolis Star Tribune that he’s a vampire “just like you see in the movies and TV.”

“Politics is a cut-throat business,” declared Sharkey, who plans to run on the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party ticket. Obviously he thinks the transferrable skills from his night job will come in handy. Yet Sharkey has got the chops to duke it out in more than one way. Like Jesse “The Body”, Sharkey was once a wrestler. Although you couldn’t have found him -”The Unholiest of Kings: Tarantula”- anywhere near the WWF.

Thankfully we Jews can rest assured if Sharkey wins we won’t be treated any differently than the majority. This follower of the Sith-ra Achra despises the god of all us Judeo-Christians equally. “I’m a Satanist who doesn’t hate Jesus,” Sharkey said. “I just hate God the Father.” (Phew. I was worried he had a beef with the whole mishpacha! ) However, he claims to respect all religions, and if elected will post “everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed” in government buildings.

Up there with lower taxes and longer recesses, “The Impaler” has made one of my favorite campaign promises ever: to execute terrorists, murderers, and child molesters by personally impaling them on a wooden pole in front of the state capitol. This Predator sounds even tougher on crime than California’s Terminator. I might have to move to Minnesota just to vote for this guy. But before I do, Count Sharkey, there’s one hole in your story, shrewdly pointed out by a commenter, that’s holding me back. If you are indeed a vampire, why don’t you burn in the sunlight?