It's J-Escorts!
After taking two subways and a long fragrant ride on the 'Chus-Bus' toMonsey, you are dreading going to this Le'chaim (your 3rd this week).Walking into the shul gym, disguised only by fake flowers and a cheesy
keyboardist in a tux, all your fears have been realized. Everyone at this so called "simcha" is either married, engaged or seriously dating. Like those commercials for Paxil, you feel the piercing stares of Mrs. Rosenstein, Rabbi Kotter, and Mr. Shoenberg (names may vary slightly). They stare at you in pity from the desert table across the room. Mentions of "Mazel Tov" and "Im Yirtzah Hashem By You" fill the air… Faige
Hershenfeld has only been on one date with Shimmy, but he's there as well. They are going ring shopping afterwards. Figures. As Surah's newborn spits up all over your Prada bag, you think to yourself, there must be a solution…..and as you leave you promise yourself that you will never walk into a Vort alone again!!!
Finally an answer… J-Escorts!
We provide you with quality Frum* individuals, servicing all your social appearances
* Parents pressuring you about getting married?…. Shmulie will accompany you home for Shabbos Nachamu!
* Don't feel like being the only single person at your table?…… Chani will go to that wedding in Staten Island with you!
* Feel like going to Cheetah with a date, and not with a pack of 30 desperate girls?…… Daniel goes to parties….hey, he even dances like a sephardic! (flamboyant shirt and shoes sold seperately)
* Your ex-fiancée invited you for Friday night meal? ………Malkie makes a knockout butternut squash!
If you are thinking to yourself, 'This is just not shaich for me', well think again.
J Escorts does not discriminate. Our escorts are hand-picked and come in an assorted variety of degrees of Frum-nes hashkafahs, and flavors. Here is just partial list of the types of escorts we offer:
* Black Hat……Shomer Negiah……Learns (NCSY Kollel on resume)
* Black Hat….. Fools Around……Machmir on Gebruktz
* Shabbos Black Hat…….Sees Movies……..4 years in Hatzalah (Walkie Talkie Included!)
* Srugi Kippah……Knows Tanach By Heart……Doesn't believe in G-d
* Wears skirts……Davens 45 minute Shmoneh-Esray……(HASC Sweatshirt is optional)
* Carlebach Girl or Guy…..Long Hair, Dirty Feet and acousitc guitar included!
* Wears skirts….Davens……Goes to R rated Movies……YUSSR 2 year in a row!
* Wears pants…..Goes to Clubs…..Doesn't Believe in Shabbos……But Knows Gematria!!!
…..and much much more!!!!!
Never feel like a leper again!! Call J Escorts at 1-800-J-Escorts today. You'll never forget it.
Fine print: *frum is a subjective term. Escorts may not be technically jewish through all "halacha" standards. Escorts may not be objectively good looking either. J-Escort Inc is not liable for anything escorts do (get drunk at a livaya) or say (talks about Off Track Betting with your Rabbi's Wife). This service is for entertainment purposes only. We accept Cash Only….ShopRite or Peylim dollars are also acceptable. No Shirt, No shoes, No service. NY, NJ, PA, CT residents do not need ID to order our escorts. No refunds. All rights reserved. J escort is a not-for-profit institute. (Check out our newest tara card reading hotline as well!)