1. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

2. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

8. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!, A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A TennesseeDivorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

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Some more

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire,
the boat sank … proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became the lesser of
two weevils.

3. This guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast. After looking over the
menu he says, "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict." His order comes awhile
later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter "What's
with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise."

4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

6. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon as the
end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find he was
out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri
made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his
regular time, took one sip of the drink and the bartender exclaimed:
"It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

7. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book;
the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced the
man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows
that readers digest and writers cramp.

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amahl" The other goes to a family in
Spain and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins … If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl!"

9. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a
teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

—————–

And the worst of the bunch:

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business.
They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh
beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so-thereby proving…..that Hugh,
and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some
more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to
wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested
and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip
of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an
elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in
a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have nothing to go
on."

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with
the assistance of a tribal chief who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the chief looked him in the eye and said: "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female. Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger responded "I guess it means the Czech's in the male."

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.
It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico
rather than California This, of course, is the origin