10. The hottest girl in the place is not Jewish, but she is shomer negiah, because the court ordered her to be after trying to assault an ATM machine becaue it was out of twenty dollar bills.

9. If you get there erev shabbat, instead of welcoming in the angels of peace and restfulness, you are immediately confronted by someone who wants to buy your soul in exchange for a week's worth of her Prozac.

8. When you are asked to explain Judaism in America, you have to eventually confess that there are more movements and ideas within Judaism then there are actual Jews in existence.

7. Others, confused by your seemingly mastered level of religion, confuse the popular myth that a rabbi can bless anything and transform it into being kosher into asking you if you can miraculously bless an emotionally scarred pig into one that just feels ok being a pig (even if it still isn't kosher.)

6. You make what seems to you like a simple request to light the shabbat candles you brought with you, but they immediately confiscate them because they've had "incidents" with people choking on wax. (I think they just saw "Office Space" too many times-hint- "I burn the building down…)."

5. Has anyone ever actually asked you the big question from Moshe's confrontation with pharoe(Where is this G-D of yours…) and one guy at the table actually says: G-D is my Soup. Now I will eat my soup.

4. Because of all of this Nisayon from Hashem, you start to feel like some kind of figure from Tanach, but unlike Jonah, you don’t get a chance to chill inside of a whale.

3. Over your (hopefully) brief stay there, the following things happen: a. Fashion, in terms of what you wear, when you wear it, why you wear it, where you got it from or if it’s even in style makes absolutely no difference to anyone. b. Personal hygiene somehow becomes a minimal priority to you. c. You have way too much time on your hands to ponder your existence and your relationship to The Kadosh Baruch Hu d. You find yourself actually remembering to pray to Hashem more than 3 times a day and sometimes everyday feels like some version of Yom Kippur.
So, come to think of it, are you in a mental hospital or have you “flipped out” at the Mir?!

2. You are actually forced to face assimilation and madness, and in the end, after all the questioning and challenging Hashem and the doctors, and getting pissed at your friends, the cheapest way to get therapy is to just “Bang it Out.”

1. No joke- It's tough to be shtark- whatever that really means- you figure it out and don't charge $225 for 45 minutes to explain it.