*= If you work there
*1.) When stocking things, stock them facing backwards and see how long you can go before someone complains.
*2.) Play conga music over the loudspeaker and try to form a conga line with customers and coworkers.
3.) Jump out from behind shelves, displays, etc. and yell, "Peek-a-boo!" at people.
*4.) Get on the loudspeaker at random intervals and say whatever comes to mind first ("Booga-wooga!").
*5.) If someone asks where something is, say, "Oh, is THAT what you call it now?" ::wink wink::.
6.) Put an empty box on your head and yell, "I am BOXPERSON!" and run around making your own hero-music.
7.) Throw things from one aisle over the shelves and then run when you hit someone, cackling.
8.) Ride the conveyer belts on checkout lines and insist that you are this week's special.
*9.) Send new sackers on quests for things that don't exist ("We need Snippi-Snappis, quick! Run, run!").
*10.) After scanning everything, ask the customer if they want fries with that.
*11.) Get on one of the big pallet movers and race it through the produce section while singing the Batman theme.
12.) Balance yourself in a big rolling mop bucket and push yourself along with the mop, singing 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.'
*13.) If there's more than one, hold races with coworkers.
*14.) Tell the sackers to sack everything separately, first in paper, then plastic, then paper.
*15.) If you're sacking, choose one thing; double sack, triple sack, quadruple sack and so on. Keep going until someone notices.
16.) Attempt to juggle lightbulbs.
17.) Throw sugar at everyone and say officiously, "You may now proceed to Decontam. Move along."
18.) When someone isn't paying attention to their cart, grab a few items and set them on the floor in front of the cart.
*19.) If your job requires you to wear one of two ties, wear both at the same time.
20.) Do face painting with things like tomato paste, mustard, chocolate syrup, etc.
21.) When you watch someone scan something, get all wide-eyed and mutter things about "The Force".
*22.) When someone asks where something is, snap and start screaming at them. When asked what your problem is, respond with "PMS". Bonus points if you're a guy.
23.) Watch for someone coming for soda, then shake up as many as possible and run.
24.) Stand by the dairy section and go, "Mooooo" when someone picks up some milk.
25.) Write messages of doom on the sides of random soup cans.
26.) Scream in anguish whenever anyone picks up any meat.
27.) Sit down in the cereal aisle and start opening and dumping out cereal. When someone asks what you're doing, say, "I'm looking for the prizes!".
*28.) While stocking shelves, if someone walks by, say to yourself just audibly, "About time we got rid of these. Been here since the store opened.".
29.) Walk up to a perfect stranger, smile brightly, hand them a jar of something and flee.
30.) In the deli section, grab a bunch of wrapped straws, tear off the tops and shoot the wrappers at people.
31.) Bowling with produce!
32.) Organize a game of 'Truth or Dare' in the toothpaste aisle.
33.) Food fight!
34.) Throw tomatoes at people and yell, "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!".
35.) Bring items from other stores and put them on the shelves.
36.) Locate an old lady, stare in horror, scream, "You're one of THEM!" and fall over things as you run away.
37.) Skip around merrily and hug people.
38.) Hand out pads and tampons to little kids. Say they're a "special treat."
39.) Find some cucumbers, take them to the bakery and start playing a drum solo on any available surface. See how far into the song you can get before someone asks what the hell you’re doing.
40.) Ask everyone you see whether they’ve heard the one about the waffle iron and the Chihuahua.
41.) Record the theme from ‘Jaws’, set it to play and hide it behind the Campbell's soup display.
42.) Stand just behind one of the sackers and do a Hitler impression, screaming random things in German at passing customers.
*43.) Hide a video camera in the employee restroom and put the unmarked tape, with a 25 cent price tag, by the checkout.
44.) Locate a free sample tray and sprinkle a small amount of chili powder over its contents. Hide to watch the results.
45.) Cross your eyes, drool and wander around, bumping into people, until you reach the produce aisle. Immediately walk back out and ask whoever you last encountered where to find the beer.
46.) Run full-tilt into the candy aisle, grab a 5-pack of Tic-Tacs, and wave them aloft as you proclaim, "At last! The final ingredient! Now I will rule the world!".
47.) Sit down in the center of a random aisle, clutching a box of microwave popcorn and sobbing, "I'll never let go, Jack . . . I'll never let go . . .".
48.) Find a friend and set up a war between Wrigley's and BubbleYum.
49.) Station yourself in front of the plastic cutlery and prevent people from taking any by sobbing and singing 'Kum Ba Ya.'
*50.) When bagging, slip tampons in among the groceries.
*51.) Tell all newbies at some point to go refill the water fountains.
52.) Walk up to someone, shaking uncontrollably, and stutter as you ask where to find the caffeine pills.
53.) Hunch over and scuttle through the dairy section, muttering something about brains, then grab a cup of pineapple yogurt and fling it at someone. Keep flinging yogurt cups until someone stops you. Bonus if you get thrown out.
54.) If someone passes you, glare reproachfully and declare that you are NOT dead.
55.) Stack soup cans in intricate patterns and when told to fix it, protest that it's contemporary art.
56.) Whenever you see a guy in a T-shirt, start singing and dancing the 'YMCA.' Try to compel him to join you.
57.) Snatch and open a box of pancake mix, scream, "LIES! THERE ARE NO PANCAKES HERE!" and throw handfuls of powder at people.
58.) Pick a common item (i.e. toilet paper) and keep watch on it. When someone picks one up, scream, "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" and start throwing random items at them.
59.) Dance through the bakery, clicking invisible castanets and singing in make-believe Spanish.
60.) Dare other customers to streak through the store with you.
61.) As people enter, hand them a copy of a scavenger hunt list. Tell them that they have one hour to find everything.
62.) Steal things out of people's carts and leave ransom notes asking for their cheese in return for the stolen item. Tell them to meet you by the sphegetti sauces.
*63.) Get on the PA and say things like "Attention K-Mart shoppers" or "Welcome to Piggly-Wiggly". This only works if the store is NOT K-Mart or Piggly-Wiggly.
64.) Put 'Caution: Wet floor' signs in very strange places, i.e. on top of shelves, in the parking lot, etc.
65.) Hide a singing fish in the seafood area so that anyone who goes near or in it will hear it singing and talking.
66.) Act all shifty and nervous while approaching someone, then say to them while they're grabbing something, "You don't want to take that….the government puts weeeeiiird stuff in there, just using us like guiniea pigs…" Go on as long as you can. Bonus points if the person actually puts the item back.
*67.) Get on the PA and pretend to be the police. Use the names of coworkers in a list of people being arrested. See how many of them actually come forward. Bonus points if someone starts confessing things.
68.) Dress professionally and stand at the entrance with a clipboard and pen. Pretend to be jotting down notes about people as they come in. Pick a trait and shake your head everytime someone passes by with that trait (short hair, sunglasses, pink socks, etc)
69.) Bump into an old lady and act like you’ve just broken a priceless antique. Offer to “put it back together again”.
70.) Go up to random people, regardless of age, sex, or marital status, and ask them if they'll marry you. If they say yes, act all nervous, stutter something about not being ready for a commitment, and run.
71.) When in the checkout lane, lean over to look at the keyboard and go "Ooo, what's this do? And this? And this?…", Pushing buttons and such while doing so.
72.) Use lines from TV and movies randomly on people you encounter.
73.) Hide a pile of fake dog doo on a shelf and loiter nearby to watch the fun.
*74.) Dial a phone sex line, put it over the PA, and hide it. Things will get really interesting if you've hidden it well.
*75.) Piss your customers off by getting 3 and 5 mixed up all the time.
76.) Write the number 666 on different things and watch how people react.
77.) Grab a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and start touching it inappropiately. See how many people have a heart attack before you're thrown out.
78.) Start humming songs from The Nutcracker and pretend to be a ballerina. Try and get as many people involved as you can.
79.) Go into loud and dramatic convulsions on the floor. When someone tries to help you, stop, yell “Can’t you see I’m busy?!” and go back to writhing.
*80.) Sit down in the bread aisle with a storybook and get kids to sit down for "Stories from the Grocery Store". Start off happily, then get more bitter-sounding as you talk about your lack of a raise and stupid coworkers.
81.) Stuff your clothes with plastic sacks to make it look like you have anatomy that wasn't there before (or to enhance anatomy you already have).
*82.) If working in the dairy cooler, watch for someone reaching for an item, then grab their hand from behind the shelves and make noises like a rabid animal.
*83.) If someone comes up to you and asks where to find something, say, “How should I know? It’s not like I work here!”
84.) Buy a sandwich from the deli department, take a bite, gag, and then scream "Soylent Green is people!!" and run away, spitting.
85.) Make puppets out of anything you can think of-boxes, carved cheese blocks, etc. Put on a puppet show for the customers.
*86.) If caught doing any of these and your boss starts chewing you out, start arguing with them. ("You're out of line." "No, YOU'RE out of line!")
*87.) Steal the microphones from the checking lanes and make it look like they're plugged into weird places, such as in the meat case, on a clock, etc.
*88.) Make calls over the microphones as if they're functioning. Bitch and moan if someone doesn't come to you immediately and complain about the useless help.
89.) Loudly imitate an ‘Herbal Essences’ commercial with one of the shampoos.
90.) Pick up a box of soap, pretend it’s a video camera, and do ‘The Blair Witch’.
91.) Put a box on your head and lie down in the middle of an aisle.
92.) Follow a customer around the store and quack like a duck every time they try to talk.
93.) Ask for the manager of the store and when he shows up, start screaming at him in the Pants language until you get thrown out.
94.) Make up a language and then go talk to one of the workers. Make gestures wildly when they don't understand you.
95.) Dress up as a piece of produce and picket in front of the produce display. Make up chants about the 'cruelty to vegetables'. Bonus points if someone joins you.
96.) Burst into the store, do your best ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ cry, and tackle a magazine stand.
97.) Stand outside the door with a sign that says “The devil is in our grocery stores! Repent!”
98.) Go up to a member of the same sex and start hitting on them, insisting that they’re the man/woman of your dreams. Make puppy eyes and follow them around the store.
99.) Steal something from someone's cart and run off laughing. Be as conspicuous as possible. When they confront you, say "Blast! Foiled again!" and give the item back.
100.) Walk up to an old lady and say, “You’ve just said the secret word! Please go to the management for your prize!”