Chapter I
And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh, King of
Persia, that the King threw a great party. And it was during that party,
that the King became intoxicated and called for his wife Vashti to come
dance naked in front of the guests. Now, Vashti was a liberated woman, and
was not at all ashamed to display her body in public ("my body, my choice,"
she used to say). But she was certainly not going to do so at the behest
of a male chauvinist like her husband. So she refused to appear, and the
following morning, in addition to a major hangover, Achashverosh had one
royal-size sexual harassment suit waiting for him. Public opinion quickly
turned against the King, and he was forced to settle out of court for an
undisclosed sum of money.
Chapter II
It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to find a
new wife. He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance
with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others, one woman, one
Indian, one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who was also rumored to
be gay. One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty
contest, attended by all the fairest maidens in the land. But his female
advisor informed him that Memoochan was a Neanderthal living in the dark
ages, and that beauty contests where men gawk at women walking around in
swimsuits had long ago gone out of fashion. Instead, she suggested giving
a test in such subjects as physics, literature and music, and the most
intelligent woman would be made queen. And the King, already lagging in
the public opinion polls, had no choice, and he said to make it so.
Now is just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young
Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly,
had a 195 IQ. Having successfully sued her parents for termination of
custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai. Esther aced the test
and was chosen to be the new queen. Only, the homosexual community
objected the word "queen", and the feminists didn't like the whole
gender-based title thing, so it was decided that she would just be called
"Royal Person." So Esther was crowned Royal Person of Persia and was
married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last name. And being
that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no intention
whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty, she was
given her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.
Chapter III
It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor Haman
to be his chief advisor. There were some protests by the African-Persian
community because he hadn't selected an African Persian to be his top
advisor, by the appointment went through anyway. It turned out the Haman
was a big anti-Semite, and he asked the King's permission to kill all the
Jews, which he got. So Haman sent out a proclamation to all the lands in
the kingdom outlining his plan. Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued
injunction to stop Haman from sending it. But Haman was defended by the
head of the Persian Civil Liberties Union, who ironically was also Jewish,
and who claimed that the injunction would violate Haman's right to free
speech. And the injunction was not issued, so the proclamation was sent.
Chapter IV
And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black ribbon
as a sign of mourning. And Esther sent a messenger to Mordechai to console
him, but he would not be consoled. Then Mordechai sent word back to Esther
that she should go the King and ask him to stop the impending killing of
all the Jews. Esther replied that other social issues, such as the
environment and harassment in the workplace were more pressing, but
Mordechai persuaded her as to the urgency of the matter, and she agreed.
Mordechai suggested calling all the Jews to synagogue for three days of
fasting and prayers, but Esther thought that was way outdated, and instead
called for a non-denominational candlelight vigil, and it was so.
Chapter V
And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest
business suit and went to see the King. The King offered Esther up to half
his assets, which he was actually required to give her anyway, based on
their pre-nup. Esther told the King that she had come to invite him and
Haman to a big party she was throwing the next day. The King was very
excited, and both he and Haman showed up to Royal Person Esther's party.
The King, for his part, was careful not to violate the out-of-court
settlement he had made with Vashti, and there was none of that "dance
naked" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with performances by
Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbra Streissand. And Esther informed
the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her next party, being
thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard. Upon leaving the party,
Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined his night. Haman's
wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall and ask the King to have
Mordechai hanged the next day. She further advised him to quit referring
to her as "Haman's Wife." And he built the gallows.
Chapter VI
That night, the King had trouble sleeping. He called for his servants to
bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his stag
films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti debacle, all
they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and introduced by
Robert Redford. So they brought him the royal archives instead, and there
he read that Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years back. Just
then, Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom
he owed a favor. Haman suggested maybe an ambassadorship to some
insignificant but warm-climate country, or maybe letting him spend a night
in the palace's "Lincoln Bedroom." But the King decided to have Haman lead
Mordechai around on a horse throughout the streets of Shushan. However,
the animal rights activists got wind of the King's plan, and they went
nuts, so it was decided that Haman would just lead Mordechai around on
foot. And it was so. When he was done leading Mordechai around, Haman
walked home, despondent. But no sooner had he returned home than the
King's messengers arrived to bring him to Esther's second party. Haman's
wife realized that her husband was doomed and commented that she had always
known he would never amount to anything.
Chapter VII
And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther. And it was
during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone
in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews. "Who is
that man?" yelled the King. To which Esther replied "What makes you so
sure it's a man? You don't think that a women is capable of killing all
the Jewish people?" After an awkward silence, Esther told the King that it
was, in fact, a man, and it was none other than his chief advisor Haman!
The King stormed out in a fit a rage and meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's
feet for her to spare his life. He told her how he had grown up in a
broken home, was raised by a crack-selling mother and had never had a
normal childhood. Esther declared Haman to be a product of society's
failure to protect its children. So Haman's crime of "attempted genocide"
was reduced to "issuing proclamations without a license" and he was given
the relatively light sentence of five-to-seven years. After serving just
two years of that sentence, he was given time off for good behavior and
paroled. And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman as
their mayor, his being a felon notwithstanding. Meanwhile, Esther
convinced the King to come to terms with his anger and latent feelings of
hostility towards women, and the King entered a 12-step program and when he
was through, his anger had subsided.
Chapter VIII
That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King that
Mordechai was her uncle. And Mordechai asked the King's permission for the
Jews to rise up and kill their enemies. But Esther would have no such
thing, and instead, she arranged for a dialog being the Jewish leaders and
the leaders of the people of Shushan. And while they couldn't overcome all
their differences, they did agree to joint-author a letter of mutual
acceptance and tolerance.
Chapter IX
And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews were
supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three-day conference of
the Leaders of Jewish Organizations. And during that conference, they
agreed that a holiday should be established-the holiday of Purim. A
holiday of charity and gift-giving. A holiday of brotherly love. A holiday
where alternate-side-of-the-street parking rules would be suspended. A
holiday where Jewish kids could dress up like Ninja Turtles and Power
Rangers and not have to feel that they had missed out on something by not
celebrating Halloween. And a proclamation was sent out to all the King's
lands, in all 127 languages, plus Ebonics. And the Jews were careful not
to mention G-d's name, lest any of the gentiles be offended.
Chapter X
And King Achashverosh-the kinder and gentler King Achashverosh–levied a
tax across the land, to raise money to pay for welfare and public
television. And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther and her uncle
Mordechai were duly recorded in the annals of Persia