With only a few weeks to go until the Democratic primary kicks off in New Hampshire presidential hopefuls are suddenly whipping out the gefilte fish, sporting yamakas and quoting Tuesdays with Morrie in order to capture the critical Jewish vote, which makes up a minute .019% of the country's population. Political analysts report that securing the minute Jewish vote has historically cleared path to the White House, or at least to some good white fish.

"The Jewish vote has always been an important concern to our campaign," said Howard Dean's number one campaign manager, Joe Famiglia, as he tied tzitzit fringes to the front of his pants. "If we can just capture just .00232% of the Jewish vote, our road to the presidency, bezras Hashem, will be a lot easier."

Pauline Lloyd, Reverend Al Sharpton's campaign strategist concurs. Her and her team have made it a point to only drink Manshevitz, eat stale egg kichel and listen to Adam Sandler CDs ever since the presidential race began. "Reverend Sharpton's campaign has always been about acceptance of different cultures," said Lloyd, who knows the importance of the Jewish electorate after reading Protocols of Zion. "The book really changed my view of politics, and really of everything. I had everyone on our staff read it."

Howard Dean's campaign has also has been deeply focused on appealing to voters with Jewish roots. Dean, a graduate of Yeshiva University's Albert Einstein Medical School claims to fully understand and cherish Jewish values. "We may not agree on Middle East policies," said Dean in regard to his recent foreign policy comments, "but I sure know we agree on having all Jewish Holidays off!"

Dean's campaign Strategist Arye Fliesher says that having a serious presence in the nation's Jewish Community is integral to winning this election. Fleisher has been trying for months to post Dean's presence on popular Jewish websites such as shicksas.com and the Stern college favorite, onlysimchas.com. "We couldn't get Dean's wedding posted on that site, it was a real setback. So we did the next best thing, we crashed a wedding and made sure Howard got in a few action photos with the bride" Continued Fleisher, "Its really made all the difference."

But not everyone is agreeing with the yidorama strategy. Senator Joe Lieberman, the only Jewish candidate, has taken a drastically different approach. "I had a real problem capturing my own faith's constituents." Continued Lieberman "No one wants to see a Jew in power, because if something goes wrong, guess who gets blamed?" Lieberman's staff has been working endlessly to come up with a solution to attract the resistant Jewish vote. Last Sunday they came up with a solution: Lieberman would convert to Christianity. "It was a tough decision. But that's what this campaign and being president is all about." When questioned about the insincerity of his decision Lieberman commented, "If Madeline Albright can do it, than so can I." Last Sunday before giving a speech to Irish factory workers in New Hampshire Senator Leiberman was baptized and almost immediately Gallup polls indicated his popularity among Jewish voters nearly quadrupled. Commented Lieberman "Ultimately it was the right decision, praise Yushka."

Senator John Edwards hopes to have the same success with his up coming glitzy Democratic Jewish Singles events. His "Bowling and Sushi Night" and "J2 Saturday Night Gala" have been critically acclaimed among political analysts.

Ohio Democrat Dennis Kucinich, the only single candidate, has put up a profile on all Jewish Dating Websites, such as Jdate.com. "I've been through the Jdate profiles, and there are a lot of beautiful Jewesses as well as gentiles posted who are very interested in becoming 'The First Lady'," says Kucinich with a wink. Although frumster.com rejected Mr. Kucinich's profile due to his religion, he believes that the Book of Esther would strongly point to the fact that Jewish girls have a tradition of marrying into political power, religion aside. "If it doesn't help me get votes, maybe I'll at least get some dates," said Kunicich, who says it is tough meeting people when you are an Out of Towner.

No matter what strategy each candidate takes, they all agree that the Jewish vote makes or breaks the election. Political Analyst, Michael Beshloss noted that the 2000 election was ultimately decided by the Jewish retired voters in Florida. "If Gore would have made a couple more visits to the retiree communities in Boca Raton, thrown around some Yiddish terms, and maybe served some better herring, he would have undoubtedly become the 43rd President."

Reverend Sharpton and Senator Edwards' campaign analysts are looking forward to see what the Jewish voters decide, but both agree it will be an exciting race either way. Said Lloyd "Just wait till we get to Hymie-I mean, New York. That's when the real race begins."