Dating used to give me the howling fantods (kudos to those receiving the reference). Which is why I never dated. Yes, that’s the reason, as opposed to, say, a complete lack of interest from the fairer sex. I CHOSE to be single!

Of course, now that I’m married, I don’t have to lie like that anymore. Dating is the worst thing you can do to yourself, except maybe for marrying Britney Spears. But you’ve gotta do it, right? Because if you don’t, you’ll be alone forever and ever and no one will love you.

It turns out, though, that you don’t have to date. All you have to do is find someone with less stamina than you, and slowly, slowly beat them into submission. The first time I asked the object of my affection to go out with me, she said no. Ten months later, after many tears, some of them hers, she gave in. Two years later, we got married. All of that, just so I wouldn’t have to date. Oh, right, and because I love my wife, blah blah blah. Whatever- either way, I would never have to date again.

Turns out, I was wrong. I’m still happily married, but we’ve moved into a new era- couples dating.

PART I- Shul is still a meat market.

So you get married- MAZEL TOV!- and you’re looking forward to a whole life of showing up late to shul, hitting the kiddush club, and complaining that the rabbi’s right-wing hashkafa has you feeling down about your davening, or lack thereof. You’re certainly not thinking about dressing up special for the ladies- or guys- anymore. In fact, letting yourself go is your new Rosh Hashannah resolution. And the first months are great. Your apartment, filled with all new things, is always clean, because even the most tedious mundane activities are fun with your wife or husband. And Shabbos- now that your lady or man is living with you, there’s no reason most of the time to leave the house, because it used to be that you spent 90% of your time going to or coming from your significant other’s place. Look at all that time you have now! It’s at least, like, 40% more than you had before!

After a while, you realize that your couch is starting to smell a lot like your unwashed feet. And your spouse is beginning to notice. And, as much as you love his cholent, how many pounds of his “special sauce” can you have before you can’t stop yourself yelling “Dammit, I know it’s ketchup! It’s not so ‘special!’” And you wonder if she’ll ever come up with a second recipe for chicken. (Note: these are problems I imagine other people have. This is not to suggest that my wife’s cooking is unoriginal, or less than scrumptious every time. Cause she’s the best cook ever. EVER. Isn’t that right, honey?)

So you suggest a novel idea- let’s see if any other couple can identify his cholent’s “special sauce!” Your spouse lunges for the shul directory; obviously, just as excited to spend time with others as you are- disconcerting? No, of course not. You know some people in the community, but you’re ready to meet new people. So you call a couple you already know, and you go to shul that Shabbos to scout for some fresh meat- I mean, friends you haven’t yet met. In a well-planned “pincer” maneuver, you and your spouse move through the kiddush crowd, looking for another young couple dressed like you. Not the same outfits, naturally- then you’d have to mark your fashion territory with a good right cross. Your husband may even get into it. You’re looking for a couple that shows up late for shul (or early- but we’re going with the average, so let’s say late). The husband is often without a tie or jacket- although if he’s also wearing sandals, then he’s Israeli, so prepare for many meals involving chickpeas- and the wife is wearing a stylish hat that cuts out peripheral vision completely, so remember to stay in her line of sight, otherwise when you say hi, you’ll give her a heart attack. Small talk ensues, some coy eye contact and hints of interest, and a promise to come next Friday night, when you’ve decided just then “You know what, honey? Let’s invite them for Shabbos dinner next week! We were going to have Shmuelki and Pninah anyway, and we need a buffer couple.”

This last is said with a wink and a nudge. The buffer couple is a useful tool in meeting new people without actually having to talk to them. Usually, you invite one new couple, and one couple you already know, the buffer couple. They take the pressure off you, and then you can gang up on the new people, 4 on 2 instead of the more even 2 on 2. Sometimes you’ve gotta stack the deck in your favor. There’s no shame. Plus, the presence of another couple will assure your new friends that you’re not too crazy, or dangerous, or smelly.

PART II- Making new couple friends, and keeping them, even if it means they have to be locked in the basement.

They actually bought it! Your new friends are coming over, so you have to be on your best behavior. This means going to shul Friday night for the first time in months, so you can meet your guests and bring them home, and allow your wife to do some last-minute cleaning, and rearranging of her new hat. She’s just as nervous as her husband, because they’re both out of practice with the dating, and when you don’t exercise those interpersonal muscles, you turn into anti-social losers. But that won’t be you, right?

When I got married, I found a unique, interesting, dynamic, free-thinking independent woman. It took me a good long time to find her. My wife married me because…well, let it not be said I’m not unique. And aren’t we all happy about that? That left us in a rather awkward position, however. I wasn’t too keen on many of the wives in shul, and she found the guys a little conservative for her (she’s all about being good and helping others- frankly, she may be a Mormon). And who knows what people think of us, aside from what they’re willing to write on bathroom walls.

The scenario in Part I (Couple A invites Couple B over, Couple B agrees to be hosted) can happen several times before a good match is made. All that guarantees, though, is another Shabbos meal, but at least then you won’t have to cook. It’s up to them to put up the good tablecloth, and actually dust their shelves. And you do it all over again- the smiling, the feigned interest in conversation, the struggle to hide your disdain when they talk up their hometown sports team (New Yorkers, you know what I’m talking about). Guys can always bond over sports, it doesn’t matter where they are. Office, subway, adjacent urinals- sports unites the male of the species. Girls bond over…other things, like…stuff. It always seems to involve going into another room, be it a bathroom, closet, or kitchen. That pre-meal commiseration, when the genders are separated, is a nice transition to the next level, the four-way conversation. That’s when most problems arise.

Sample Shabbos roundtable discussion, post-salad, pre-entrée:

Wife A- So Avi, Sam says you’re in med school? How’s that going?

Husband B- Actually, Rachel, it’s really tough. But as long as I don’t actually have to touch the poor patients, I think I’ll be ok.

Wife A- <chokes on own rage>

Wife B- <trying desperately to change the subject> Sam, so you were in Israel last month?

Husband A- <still staring at HB> Yes, I went to volunteer in a Palestinian refugee camp. I swear, Sharon should be brought up on crimes against humanity.

Husband B reaches over and stabs Husband A in the head with a fork.

Obviously, these two couples should never live in the same community, let alone talk to each other. Let’s try a more likely situation:

Husband B- Josh, that’s a great picture! Was that something you drew as a kid, or something?

Husband A- Um, no, that’s Van Gogh’s Starry Night.

HB- Well, it looks great anyway. So, d’you see that Jets game last Monday? Man, Testaverde must wear cement shoes.

HA- You’re not kidding. Maybe if he took his head out of his butt, he could see his downfield receivers. Honey? Do you need help bringing anything out of the kitchen?

HB- (under his breath) Maybe you want to borrow her skirt, too?

HA- What was that?

HB- nothing.

You might think that this will end up like the first scenario. You’d be wrong. Because while the husbands are not-so-subtly having a testosterone contest over who helps less around the house, the wives are getting on like old friends- it turns out, they wear the same size clothes, but their closets don’t overlap at all! Talk about lucky!
They could be exchanging recipes, or bonding over the new People magazine- I could go on and on listing stereotypically chauvinistic examples. And they’d all be right. The upshot is, if the ladies are getting along, everything’s gravy. You’ll go back and forth on meals from now until someone gets sick on green meat, and you’ll be the best of friends. You may even want to take it to the next level- hanging out after Shabbos. Hey, you could even get together for a beer after work! Catch a play!

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.