New York, NY) When we asked the rabbi of our community what news channels he felt were kosher, he told us Fox News. "They are definitely friends of the Jews and Israel," said Rabbi Marcus, who is known in his community as Rabbi Marcus. "I’ve been watching all the news stations during The Man Show commercials and Fox News is the most favorable coverage."
And Rabbi Marcus is correct in his assumption. While a panel of researchers watched the nightly news on MSNBC, Fox News and CNN, we took notice of the slanted reporting. It was as obvious as was Saudi Arabia’s pure intentions for peace with the Jews. CNN was first on our list for evaluating. But we must be forthright in saying that we took Jane Fonda’s side in the divorce – we tried our hardest to be objective.
While first watching CNN, we grimaced at the choice of their coverage’s name: Jews Killing Innocent Arabs, Inside the Jewish Insanity. CNN had once again beautifully used the understatement to allow viewers to make their own decisions. After all, CNN does not exist to make up minds or influence the layman’s thinking. It exists purely as a news outlet, bless its heart.
The first show we watched, CNN’s Crossfire, discussed the conflict by referring to Israel as "that state of Jews that have gone seriously postal." "While one of my best friends is Jewish," said James Cormell, one of the Crossfire panel members who coincidentally has a tattoo of a swastika on his forehead, "do we really need a whole state of people in the Jewelry business?" The rest of the episode was spent discussing how the Palestinians are better at looking sadder than the Israelis were.
Bill Hemmer, then reporting live from Jerusalem, informed that after a suicide bombing that killed many civilian Jews, the Israelis "overreacted again by condemning Arafat and suicide bombings." Hemmer continued that Arafat is old and shakes a lot and "the goddamn Israelis should go easier on him with their freakin’ condemning." Moments later, Palestinian ambassador Nasser Al-Kidwa appeared live and condemned the suicide bombing, himself. "I think that all taking of Israeli civilian life is unacceptable but you have to understand that because what the Palestinians have been through, it is acceptable. So I condemn it but then I take back. And remember that I did call "yes backsies."
But the worst was yet to come. As the hours grew later, the sentiment grew progressively more anti-Israel. At the 10pm time slot, Aaron Brown began his show by informing his faithful viewers how his name only sounds Jewish but he really isn’t. He went on to eat a pork sandwich live on television to further convince us of his declaration. "Israel does not belong to the Jews," Brown pointed out. "Florida belongs to the Jews. Hollywood belongs to the Jews. The Five Towns belong to the Jews. But not Israel. Ted Turner, who’s stations are funded by rich Saudi Arabians told me this." Brown continued, "and besides, Israel does not belong to them rightfully like America belongs to us. It’s not like they justifiably seized it by force from Native Americans and slaughtered thousands of them forcing them into reserves and casinos. How could you even compare?"
Brown had a number of guests on his show, all anti-Semitic, like Ahmad Jarjarbinks, the president of the Palestinians arE People Too Organization (PEPTO). "I don’t think it’s unrealistic to ask the Israelis to go back to making olive wood Challah cutting boards," Jarjarbinks said. "The truth is that I want peace with them so badly, it hurts." He then paused and continued saying, "but I don’t really mean that. I’m just saying it because it makes a great sound clip for later use." We were heartbroken. CNN was not our friend. We turned the TV to the Daily Show where television is intentionally supposed to make you laugh.
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The next night, we turned on MSNBC raising their viewership 50% from one viewer to two. Their choice of naming the conflict was not comforting either; Jews Whigging Out For No Apparent Reason: Inside the Middle East Conflict. When we contacted MSNBC about its choice for naming their coverage, Lonnie Handler explained to us the branding selection thought process. They enlisted their team of best writers in their New York office, the ones who came up with "September 11th: the Day the Jews Didn’t Show Up For Work." Yahmed Wallihah and Yusef Haptu came up with the "Jews Whigging…" name after their other choices were rejected. "First we presented to the higher-ups "Jews, the New Nazis" but MSNBC thought it wasn’t subtle enough," said Yusef, "they asked us to be more anti-Semitic but subtler. Subtle was the keyword on this project."
After speaking with Yahmed and Yusef, we returned to the TV, also known as "an incredible outlet for self-hating Jews to vent" and began watching Ashleigh Banfield, reporting live from Gaza. She spent a great deal of the segment referring to the Palestinians as the "good guys" and the Israelis as the "bad guys." Then she interviewed Sharon with the on-screen identifier "Ariel Sharon, Prime Minister; Doesn’t Like to Smile." She asked Sharon pointedly who was fatter: Sharon or Arafat. "I’m not sure that is relevant," responded a perplexed Sharon. Banfield then aggressively raised the bar of journalism by pursuing this pressing matter further and challenged Sharon’s hesitance. She accused Sharon of thinking that Arafat was indeed fat but he was just afraid of saying it on the record. "YOU THINK HE"S FAT!!!" yelled Banfield repeatedly, "YOU THINK HE’S FAT. AND YOU WANT TO KILL HIM!!!"
Following Banfield, Alan Keyes, bastion of Jew-loving, had an exclusive interview with a knowledgeable street corner vendor owner. Abu Allah Abu expressed his even-handed radical prejudiced opinion about the horrible situation in Israel. "I find it very offensive when people think that suicide bombers are going too far. Blowing themselves up twice would be going too far but that’s not possible because they are killed the first time." Abu continued in his infinite wisdom gained from years and years of selling hot pretzels and hot dogs. "I’ve been told that Sharon eats little children alive on Passover. This is documented in text books as it is about all Jews.." Keyes thanked the guest for coming and concluded the informative segment by revealing MSNBC’s website pole results: Jews – do they like money too much. 73% said "yes" and 7% said "no." 20% said they had best friends that were Jews and they were afraid those friends would get mad if they found out they voted "yes."
Then following, Hardball with Chris Matthews had special guest, Alon Pinkus, Israel’s most eloquent and media-friendly spokesman. But unfortunately Alon was not given the opportunity to talk as Chris Matthews regularly interrupted Pinkus to hear his own voice. Matthews, who has been raised in a barn and does talk with his mouth full during meals couldn’t even figure out why he bothered with guests when his conversations are basically one-sided. "Why did I even bother having you on," wondered Matthews aloud referring to the guest he was speaking with. That night’s conversations went something like this: "Mr. Matthews, we sincerely would like to…"
"Mr. Pinkus, isn’t it true you won’t let Arab ambulances into Gaza?" "Well, we are very concerned with…"
"Do you think Saddam’s raising a suicide bomber’s salary from $10,000 to $25,000 is reasonable in this economy?"
"Well, Mr. Matthews we definitely want to make…"
"When will you let Arafat out of captivity because Adam Shapiro told us it really sucks in there?"
"We are currently…"
"Mr. Pinkus, thank you for joining us. Good night, everyone."
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Disheartened and depressed we turned on Fox News, only to be pleasantly surprised by its favorable coverage. We first turned on to Greta Van Susteran who was speaking with Geraldo live in Jerusalem, who strangely enough was nowhere near Jerusalem. "Geraldo, can you tell us about the mood there in Jerusalem?" To which Geraldo responded, "people are not hopeful, Greta. Hope is not here. There is no hope. Not in the streets. No, the streets are bleak and desolated. Not in the cafes. No, not in the sky, either. No hope in the sky. I looked and it’s not there. The Israelis grow tired. Tired, I say. They want a rest from being victims of terror. Victims of being the victims. Life is not the same. Here in Israel. Here. In. Israel. This has been Geraldo Rivera, reporting live and trying not to cry."
We had to speak to Greta personally. After all, "Greta" has the same letters in her name as "great." After waiting on hold for awhile, we were finally able to get Greta on a conference call with us, where she voiced her true opinions. "Look, I love Israel and I would do anything for it but I can’t freakin’ stand Geraldo. He is so goddamn dramatic. Geez. Did you hear him pause in between sentences unnecessarily for effect? It’s so Aaron Spelling-ish." We hung up with Greta. A sweet lady. We promised to send her some babka, or as she referred to it as "that cake the Jews make so well." We returned to our incredible sacrifice of watching TV. Next up was soft spoken, reserved Bill O’Reilly. In the roster of radical-incredibly-right-wing-extremists (aka Fox News reporters), Bill is a wallflower. "Did you know that Fox News is the highest rated news channel in America?" O’Reilly told us. We felt comfort knowing this. They liked us. We will be ok. Then, we worried when we realized just how popular Americans have made Smallville. Maybe Americans had horrible taste. "You don’t have to be a radical to love Israel," said Bill O’Reilly in our interview, "but it does help." He then continued to explain this seemingly controversial statement. "Because only a radical would break free from the media’s stronghold and see truth for himself or herself." When I pointed out to O’Reilly that he was a member of the media he retorted, "oh c’mon, this is Fox News, we’re not really the media."
O’Reilly said his first enlightenment about the Middle East conflict came when he had his first falafel. "Oh, they’re so good and so yummy. What a country, that Israel." We then asked O’Reilly about Fox News’ warmth to Israel; why was it so? "Well, I have to be honest with you. Our station is not necessarily pro-Israel," he revealed. "We present the truth and the truth comes out in favor of Israel this time." Then he began the finger pointing. "Look, CNN and MSNBC are doing a disservice for being anti-Israel. It makes them look bad. These people are breeding terrorist like just like Osama does. Terrorism is terrorism, It doesn’t come in sizes like medium and extra large or flavors like vanilla and Rocky Road." I pointed out that Rocky Road was an inappropriate ice cream flavor to discuss in context with the Intifada. Bill (he insisted that we call him "Bill") informed us that he had to leave us to attend his weekly NRA meeting but he thanked us for watching and pitched his book available now on Broadway Books at any local bookstore.
Our job was over. We turned off the TV and did the only thing there was left to do; Pray.
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Part 2 on your newspapers; coming soon.